Eight Pussies Is Not Enough

And to think but a few days ago I was as pleased as punch for rediscovering the delights of the big, ludicrous Roger Moore Bond film when I saw Moonraker for the first time in years...maybe even decades. It was such a surprisingly positive experience that it inspired me to watch another Moore effort, 1983's Octopussy.

Well, that certainly burst my bubble. While there's much to like in this grand 007 adventure, there's an awful lot to get irritated by:-

1/ Blimey. Roger looks old here. His hair and clothes are that of an 'older gentleman', he's no longer convincing in a scrap...or a seduction scene for that matter. However, he's still a great leading man.

2/ John Glen return as director and his 70's directing style is coming across a bit stale, especially when you consider Octopussy was made in the era of Donner, Spielberg and Zemekis. The action stuff is very static and Glen has a nasty habit of using crash zooms instead of dolly shots which dates the work horribly.

3/ The production design is flat and uninventive, while the interior sets look fake and hokey. It's not helped by Alan Hume's softy focus photography which seems to cheapen the interior locations more often than not.

4/ Octopussy's got one of the best pre-title action set pieces of the series with it's ballsy miniature jet sequence. Unfortunately, very little of the action measures up to this. The buggy chase through Delhi is fun (although very daft)and Bond's frantic chase to stop the Nuke from going off is tense and expertly staged, but there just not enough of it...or enough of it done well to give the film credit.

5/ Finally, and most importantly, Octopussy is edited with all the energy of a comatose Snail. It's sooooooooooo slow. Boring even. And that's inexcusable. Too much of the narrative gets bogged down in India for the middle act while the plot sees Bond in another one of his leisurely, intrigue-free investigations yet again.

It's not all dull. Maud Adams is one of the few Bond leading ladies from the Moore era who's actually a good actress (no wonder they brought her back after her stint in The Man With The Golden Gun) and barking mad Steven Berkoff is value for money no matter what he's doing.

Hey ho. Maybe in 20 years I'll get round to checking out A View To A Kill once again.

Writer Director Producer Actor

Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy is something of a rare beast and Working Title are to be commended for even considering producing the thing. It's an adult spy thriller. Its a spy thriller, for adults. It's densely plotted, has extremely subtle and complex characters, it introduces you to the world of 70's British espionage and expects you to pay attention to the structure and the rules of this world and it moves at a snails pace in terms of editing (although the plot is rocketing along simultaneously with multiple characters on different levels).

Kids who like their spy movies fast (The Bourne Franchise), funny (Austin Powers), adventurous (James Bond), juvenile (Agent Cody Banks) or bullshit (Salt) won't like this at all. Meticulously constructed by Tomas Alfredson it requires the viewer to pay attention to what's going on. The relationships, the spy world, the jargon, the operations is thrown at you constantly, often without the back stories and history that make it easier for an audience to follow, making it imperative that you watch out for character's reaction, place names, past events, etc to keep on top of the labyrinthian plot. It may sound like a lot of work but if you put the effort in the narrative strands gradually combine into a wholly satisfying and cohesive tale. It reminds me of the excellent L.A. Confidential in that too was a movie with multiple characters and complex story strands which combined into a rewarding whole.

The performances are sublime too, with Tom Hardy, Toby Jones, Ciaran Hinds, Benedict Cumberbatch, John Hurt, Mark Strong and Colin Firth all delivering refined, top notch character work. Of course, Gary Oldman as the forcibly retired George Smiley tops them all. Here is a character who's been in the spy game, and who gives virtually nothing away, but whose inner light which emerges when his thoughts turn to his wife or his Russian counterpart (and nemesis) Karla in the merest flicker of the eyes and subtle changes in his body language.It's a great piece of work from Oldman which will, hopefully, give Oldman a well deserve Oscar nod in the new year.

Great, great stuff. They don't make stuff like this very often so savour it while you can.

Señorita Gonna Beatcha

Columbiana may not be the best thing to come out of Luc Besson's production stable, but it's a worthy addition to his collection of bullshit action movies like The Transporter, Taken, Kiss Of The Dragon and District 13.

It's got everything you'd want from Bullshit Besson. Full on, R-rated action, a memorable and lively supporting cast (Lennie James, Cliff Curtis, Jordi Molla), classy Eurostyle direction, an appreciation of character as well as action, and an underlying coolness that saturates all Besson's stuff. On top of that you have the pleasure of watching Godess Zoe Saldana take names and kick arse for 110 minutes while she demonstrates a level of acting ability that's above and beyond the call of duty for this kind of thing.

On the downside, Oliver Megaton's direction lacks a certain 'zing' and the script is taken from the revenge thriller playbook page one. But it looks good, plays just fine and you'll lap it up if this is your thang.

Bitchslap Da Wolfpack

Forget Occupy Wall Street. Someone needs to occupy Hollywood for the mirth-free psychological pain and misery brought upon me by The Hangover Part II. Someone in Tinseltown, and I'm looking at you greedy Warner Bros executives, thought it might be a good idea to make a sequel to one of the most average comedies in years. Yes The Hangover was very successful, but it terms of quality, it barely got by.

With the sequel, a straight forward remake of the first film (now set in the more exotic and expensive looking Thailand), "barely got by" would have been more than acceptable compared with the insulting piece of unholy shit they actually came up with. There's not one fucking funny thing in it's entire fucking withered body; the script is pretty non-existent, the direction utterly unsuited to the comedy genre and the cast are the biggest joke of this entire fucking endeavour. There are some spiteful, mean-spirited cunts in Hollywood who think that pranking audiences by casting Bradley Fucking Cooper as a leading man, Ed Twatting Helms as the hapless guy, Ken 'that crazy, squeaky asian shit is getting real tired' Leong and Zack 'three month old rotting hamster corpses are more hilarious' Galifinakis as the goofy, funny man in a comedy is pretty damn funny. It is, of course, not fucking funny in the slightest. Oh and what the fuck is going on with the Mike Tyson cameo? In the first movie, Tyson's appearance raised a smile. Here, the film makers actually undermine the integrity of an athlete who was once mentioned in the same breath as Marciano, Sugar Ray and Ali.

I fucking hate The Hangover Part II. I was irked by the original, but only because I didn't find it as amusing as it's success suggested (there are a handful of tittersome moments after all), but Part II crosses the line into humour-free inanity to the point where I want to commit homicide, suicide, genocide and any other 'ide' I can think of. Fuck the makers and the cast of The Hangover Part II. Fuck them all to hell. May their genitalia wither and decompose and may their brains spontaneously combust with all the fucking apocalyptic force of a hundred Hiroshimas.

Apart from Jamie Cheung. She's nice.

Rave Grave Encounters

On the surface, Grave Encounters looks like an ultra-cheap cash-in on the 'found footage' horror sub-genre, with the twist this time that the camcorder wielding heroes are making a TV episode akin to Most Haunted or Ghost Hunters. But as with most films of this type, it works rather well.

Picking an abandoned Mental Hospital (obviously a Vancouver building seen a million times in episodes of The X-Files, The Outer Limits, etc) from which to film this weeks episode, the intrepid team get the caretaker to lock them in and they set about trying to find something vaguely creepy from which to construct their show. But something nastier finds them.

The handheld style adds realism and immediacy to the drama, the amateur shooting style creates a excited, frenzied feel in the moments of brief, violent action and there's some strong jump scares to be had in the dark corridors of the hospital. It's also great the way it gently sends up the TV programmes on which it's based from the eccentric psychic trying to communicate with the spirits to the hammy presenter trying to bribe a groundsman to make some supernatural story up for the camera.

Unsettling, disorientating (it pushes the situation into surreal territory at times) with a few well placed spectres to make you shit your pants, this is a surprisingly welcome addition to the still expanding found footage club.

October Pick N Mix

Bow To Your Saviour, Roger Moore!

It's kind of become trendy and the norm to mock Roger Moore Bond films; they don't take themselves too seriously, they embrace the fantastical side of cinematic Bond and a good portion of them aren't the best example of blockbuster cinema. As such, I haven't watched many pre-80's 007 films recently with the exception of the under-rated On Her Majesties Secret Service.

But then it happened. I just sort of accidentally came across Moonraker in High Def and was compelled to watch, despite its reputation for being both dull AND ludicrous in one big, daft package.

And I bloody loved it. Yes the gags are childish. Of course the action is lacking excitement. I have no defence for the terrible rear-screen projection that completely takes you out of the movie, I agree that Richard Kiel's henchman is a joke and the new cast (Michael Lonsdale, Lois Chiles, Corinne Clery) make coma victims look lively. Shirley Bassey supplies a great Bond Theme, John Barry a classic, classy Bond score, the locations (Brazil, Venice, Outer Space) are fully exploited, the model work largely impressive and the girls are hot (Corinne Clery can't act to save her life but, by God, she's sexy).

Best of all is Rog. Holding the whole dopey package together with a deft balance of charming leading man and eye raising irreverence, Roger Moore deservedly defined cinema's longest running franchise for 12 years in 7 adventures. Yes, he got too long in the tooth in the 80's and yes, his approach to Bond isn't what fans of Fleming's book wanted. But he consistently maintained a commendable aspect of Bond that even Timothy Dalton (Licence To Kill), Pierce Brosnan (The World Is Not Enough) and Daniel Craig (Quantum Of Solace) sometimes failed to do. He was fun.

Gotta get me some Octopussy now!