Slither - "Like Finding A Needle In A Fuck-Stack"

Who'd have though that the writer of the live action Scooby Doo movies would be responsible for one of the best alien invasion movies of the last decade? Well, any body who's paid attention to director James Gunn's career would know that he wrote the superb remake of Dawn Of The Dead, that's who.

Slither is a low budget comedy horror, riffing off of '50's science fiction like Invasion Of The Body Snatchers and Invaders From Mars, as a bunch of aggressive extra-terrestrial worms take over Micheal Rooker and chums an a small American township. It's character driven, with the focus on the love triangle between bombshell Elizabeth Banks, her over possessive husband (Rooker), and local Sheriff Nathan Fillion (on top, quotable, witty form).

It's amusing and offbeat, the effects are well up to par, and the cast excellent. If you were ever a supporter of giving Michael 'F**king' Rooker an Emmy or allowing Nathan Fillion to be in 'everything', this will only strengthen your beliefs.

Vengeful Red Lady Mullet

It might have taken me over 25 years, but I'm now in a position to confirm that Arnold Schwarzenegger has, not three, but four shit films on his resume; Conan The Destroyer, Batman & Robin, Jingle All The Way, and now, Red Sonja. It's not total crap. There's a decent score by legendary composer Ennio Morricone and the production design, while cheaply realised in places, is pretty impressive too.

But the rest is laughable from the paper thin plot, amateur practical effects, misguided humour, the worst edited action sequences from the 1980's and a bland tone that's neither the ultra-serious posturing of Conan The Barbarian nor the tongue in cheek fannying around of Conan The Destroyer.

The best thing about the film is also the worst thing about it. Arnold Schwarzenegger sure is an iconic movie figure, especially when in his bodybuilding prime and playing off his popular Conan persona. And Brigitte Nielsen as the title character is not only a strikingly attractive woman in her youth, but also an imposing physical foil to Arnie. The thing is neither can act; not a jot at this point in their careers. So when they share a scene together it's like two mannequins in a staring contest...nothing interesting happening here.

When Two Wizards Go To War

The Harry Potter film series has been one of the most successful and most unique in cinema history. There’s not many franchises that can boast reaching 8 film, with most of the original cast intact, with each entry making nearly a billion dollars at the box office…not to mention income generated form DVD sales, TV rights and merchandising. And with the final film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 destroying box office records around the world the big question is does the series go out with a bang or a whimper?

The answer is a most definite ‘bang’ as Part 2 in by far the best of the series. To be fair most of it's success as a stand alone film has to do with where it's placed in chronological order in the franchise and what role it plays in the overall story. With all the transitional story having been set up in the last two films (Voldermort's rise to power and the knowledge of what Harry and friends must do to defeat him) Deathly Hallows 2 gets to pay everything off. Apart from a couple of dialogue scenes at the films start to recap events and to lay out the direction of Harry's quest for the final part of the saga, and then a grand action sequence involving a bank heist, there's little more set up required. About 25 minutes into the film, from Act II onwards, there's no let up. The cards are on the table, all the chips are down and all bets are off. The good guys and the bad guys know what the endgame is and they understand what's at stake for themselves if they lose; it's now simply a matter of who can achieve their goals first.

The meandering nature of the majority of the films actually plays to Part 2's success. The longer the set up...the more time we've had to invest in the characters and to understand the Potter-verse, the more dramatic and apocalyptic the events in the finale feel. The TV series Babylon 5 (which told a single story spanning 110 episodes over 5 years) did this to great effect when it slowly but surely built to a moment 54 months into it's run where the characters had to make a fight or submit decision that would forever alter the direction of the narrative. And boy did that pack a punch like no other story I've seen. The longer the set up the more powerful the pay off. In fact it makes me wonder if the Harry Potter saga might have played better if it had been a TV series instead.

The simplicity of the plot strengthens this film. It's a war story, plain and simple. Harry and friends are the men on a mission with victory or loss of the war dependent on them. The students and teachers are the soldiers and the school itself, the setting for the majority of the series, now the battleground. It's a thrill to see the peripheral characters, usually so benign, rising to the occasion whether it's Maggie Smith's kickarse School Mistress or Matthew Lewis' once-weakling student, Neville Longbottom. The buildup to the siege of Hogwarts is filled with nervous anticipation and a doom laden expectation that thing's aren't going to end well for the small group of defenders while the final battle itself doesn't disappoint.

David Yates direction is typically restrained, maybe too restrained for some tastes, but it means the more sentimental stuff isn’t overwhelming, and is probably more powerful because of it. Whether it's Ron and Hermione's kiss or Harry's ghostly encounter with his parents, Yates keeps the emotion bottled up, making it even more moving when he let's it of the leash in brief but powerful moments. And Part 2 has many powerful scenes, the best realised of which are the revelations into Alan Rickman's Professor Snape's past. While it was always pretty clear that Snape’s motivations weren’t entirely evil, the reason for his past actions is pulled sharply into focus, and Alan Rickman rises to the occasion with a beautifully judged performance that's unquestionably heartbreaking.

On top of that you've got an elegant score by Alexandre Desplat, some of the best production design of the series, flawless effect on a grand scale and the best of British acting talent re-assembled for one last get-together. Daniel Radcliffe won't ever be in the same league as Gary Oldman, Michael Gambon or John Hurt..especially when it comes to larger, more theatrical thesping...but he shines in the quieter moments like in an early encounter with Warwick Davies (also never better).

Yes it's the hero myth playing out again. And yes, if you've been paying attention these past years the outcome and how it comes about isn't hard to fathom. But like any World War II boys own adventure, it's not the destination, but the journey...and this is one hell of a final stretch of road.

Conan: Destroyer Of Sequels

While I'd seen the original 1982 Conan movie many, many years ago I'd never got round to checking out the 1984 sequel Conan The Destroyer until now...mainly because I perceived it as shit. But watching the opening credits unfold before me my hopes were lifted. Instead of the ultra cheap cash in I expected a glossy title sequence appeared before an epic landscape. The names in the credits are impressive too; director Richard (20,000 Leagues Under The Sea) Fleisher, editor Frank (Total Recall) Urioste, set designer John (Waterworld) Bloomfield, cinematographer Jack (Rambo II) Cardiff and producer Dino (Dune) De Laurentiis.

Despite my high hopes, my predictions were correct. Conan The Destroyer IS shit. Any realism, style or sense of wonder the original film had is replaced by a dumb, silly tongue in cheek tone that gives it that pungent direct to DVD feel. It looks a million dollars in some scenes, and cheap as chips (like a Golan Globus Production) in others. The effects are mainly terrible, the acting stilted (thank God Grace Jones doesn't have much to do), it's appallingly written, terribly paced (rescue the princess from, not one, but two fortresses), the action slow and awkward and the demon monster at the finale crude and laughable.

Still, Arnie might not be a good actor, but at least he shows off the charisma and screen presence that would later define him as the biggest movie star in the world.

Conan The Austrian

I never liked the Sword and Sorcery genre that much, me being more of a science fiction kind of guy. But watching Arnold Schwarznegger's first hit movie, Conan The Barbarian, it's hard not to get swept up in the brutal fantasy landscapes and outrageous action, magic and characters. Writer/director John Milus takes things ultra seriously, only throwing to the revenge tale in a few moments of levity when appropriate (drunk Conan!).

The world Milus creates is epic, convincing and stunning to look at (great photography and set design), is told in a wonderfully cinematic way (like The Terminator, Arnie's dialogue is minimised to show of to minimise his onscreen weakness...acting) and is accompanied by Basil Poledouris' magnificently sweeping, omnipresent score. The supporting cast is great too, especially James Earl Jones as snake demon sorcerer Thulsa Doom, while you have to give credit to Sandahl Bergman as possibly the most 'mannish' leading lady in movies until Kurt Russell dressed up in drag in Tango & Cash.

And of course, who can forget the classic lines of dialogue like, "What is best in life?" Conan: "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women..." Great movie. There's nothing out there in cinemaland like it; not the sequel nor the pile of Conan wannabes that sprung up afterward.

Planet Of The Minkeys

If you want to watch a Planet Of The Apes movie you're far better off watching the 1968 original starring Charlton Heston, rather than Tim Burton's inexcusable clustercuss remake starring The worst Leading Man In History, Mark Wahlberg.

It's much smarter, looks like a big budget blockbuster rather than a set-bound play, and it has the perfect woman in it in Linda Harrison's Nova (utterly beautiful, semi-clad and completely mute). Not only is it a great, high concept sci-fi film, it's an exciting, sprawling adventure flick and there's lots for the gray matter to consider as well. Apes explores prejudice and racism, the class system, and perhaps most topically, the tensions in society between religion and science and how that perspective prejudices the policies of the lawmakers. It's shocking how the discussions of the ape politicians regarding archaeological discoveries mirror the debate in the US between those that believe in evolution and the popular,but bonkers, right wing believe that God made the earth only 10,000 years ago.

It's very much a product of it's time from the 60's experimental direction, Jerry Goldsmith's themeless score and the rather static dialogue scenes, but the story and ideas are so compelling, Planet Of The Apes rockets along to that shocking, iconic moment. "God damn you all to hell!"

Beneath The Planet Of The Minkeys

While no where near as good as the 1968 original, the sequel Beneath The Planet Of The Apes has some strong ideas and a fresh enough take on the concept to make this a follow up worth checking out. James Franciscus gets to relive the first movie as the astronaut who travels through time and space to discover a planet ruled by simians. As with the original, although much faster, he soon encounters Lina Harrison's Nova (dude, I filled the cup) and Kim Hunter's chimp scientist Zira, before heading off to discover he's landed on a far future Planet Earth. So remake, so good.

It's the second half where things get interesting as Franciscus encounters some future humans, all mind powers and mutanty, who worship an end-of-the-world, doomsday missile. Then the minkeys turn up, so does Charlton Heston, and things go boobies up for the memorable apocalyptic ending (in an failed attempt to out-shock the original). Civilization's obsession with war and destruction is explored, both from the humans and the apes point of view, and it's a much shorter, much faster paced film than it's predecessor, but this isn't in the same league. A worthy sequel though.