You Can Lead An Alien To Water, But You Can't Make It Think

Alien 3 is the difficult middle child of Fox's science fiction/horror franchise. Upon it's release in 1992 it was dismissed as an inferior work to Ridley Scott's original and James Cameron's classic sequel, but as time has passed (especially since the release of shitburger Alien Resurrection, Alien 3 is seen in a more sympathetic light. It certainly doesn't make it easy for a fan of the first two movies to like it, as it dispenses with barrels of audience goodwill from the outset...but not all of these perceived negatives diminish the film.

1/ First off, the survivors of Aliens, Newt, Hicks and finally Bishop are dispatched very quickly meaning we'll never again see the continuing adventures of this makeshift family. Also, it seems impossible from the ending of the first film that an alien egg could have got on board the Sulaco, Ripley's ill fated space ship; it feels like the script is treating the audience like idiots right from the opening 100 seconds, hoping we'll not notice the massive plot contrivance, in order that the studio can cynically bleed us dry of our cash.

2/ Then there's the story itself which, instead of expanding the threat or mythology of the creature like Aliens did by introducing the Queen, shrinks back down to the familiar structure of the first Alien movie. This means, unlike Aliens where the characters are proactive from the start since they all know what awaits them (a bughunt), nearly everybody is clueless and reactive until half way through. Therefore the audience spends an hour shouting at the screen, "It's a bloody alien!! Isn't anybody paying attention!!"

3/ The characters are unbelievably stupid. Ripley hides the possibility of the Alien from the outset, for no good reason. She knows the alien is with her on the planet Fury 161 from the burn mark on her cryotube. She obviously wants to save herself and the inhabitants judging by the actions she takes later on, so why doesn't she tell them immediately? She then sleeps with Clements for no good reason. Using sex as a device to deflect a probing question doesn't wash for me. If it was a new character, other than Ripley, that was horny or lonely, then I might concede, but having Ellen Ripley, a serious and focused character established and refined over two previous films, wanting to leap into bed with a stranger (on a lice infected planet when she's suffering from hyperspace sickness) then you're having a laugh. And when Superintendent Andrews is finally told about the Alien he ignores her for no good reason, even though he's received a priority communication from the company (which he's never ever got before) which would inform him of Ripley's importance. Unlike Ralph Brown's 85, Brian Glover doesn't play Andrews as dumb, but his actions most certainly are.

4/ The largely British cast doesn't always work in it's favor. There's the Bernard Bresslaw Factor (named after the Carry On film actor whose work in Krull pointed out thar Brit actors are uncomfortable spouting corny American lines of dialogue) which is in full effect, especially with the swearing. The actors are a fine bunch, but they don't seem to be able to convincingly mouth the profane dialogue, even with Brit-specific cursing like, "WANKERS!"*

Also, since most of the cast are British, and all are dressed similarly with shaved heads, it gets very difficult to tell them apart. And with little attempt to distinguish between the 25 prisoners in the script, it gets to be very challenging to work out who's who when they're madly running up and down corridors in the final act. It's only Charles S Dutton, in a key role, and Danny Webb's rise to prominence near the end that get to shine. Paul McGann's part is cut in the theatrical version down to a few scenes and poor Pete Postlethwaite is relegated to standing around in the background and getting eaten.

5/ The film is unapologetically bleak and builds to a downer ending. This is where I start defending the film. It might be depressing to have your franchise's hero get killed/commit suicide, but at least it's a brave and interesting path for a multi-million costing/earning film series to follow. The final third of the movie as Ripley wrestles with the fact she has a chest-burster inside of her is the most powerful and riveting aspect of the story, so downer ending be damned. The same can be said for the bleak tone in general...after all, this is a horror film franchise (as much as Aliens tried to convince us it was all about the action). The grimness of the story, the grubby squalor of the production design, the murky browns and earth tones of the cinematography, and the hopelessness of Ripley's situation all add up to a ballsy and unique feeling film for a major studio franchise, and that's to be applauded.

6/ The production design, at first glance, seems to lack imagination partly being inspired by the tiled interiors of Victorian hospitals interiors, complete with wrought iron, spiral staircases. But again, I think this just adds to the originality of the film and helps sell the neglected, non-technological nature of the facility (after all, Ripley is constantly told nothing works there). The more futuristic side of the art direction, by Empire and Raiders Norman Reynolds, is top notch work with the smelting works set up there with the scale of the space-jockey set from the first film.

8/ Elliot Goldenthall's moody and operatic, choir-like score is a major plus, selling the monk-like lifestyle the planet's population have taken on. In addition the oddly timed editing and frequent use of slow motion gives the film a nightmarish, surreal quality that sets it apart from it's predecessors. Apart from a few dodgy spaceship shots, the effects work, both the mechanical stuff by Gillis and Woodruff and the visuals FX by Richard Edlund's crew, are top of the range. H.G.Giger's creature design in particular, whether a man in a suit or bluescreened rod puppet, is more authentic and animalistic in Alien 3, behaving more like a bizarre predatory lion than the hive insect of Aliens or the demon from hell of Alien.

9/ David Fincher, on his first feature film gig, was definitely a great choice as director. The strong and consistent look and tone of the film are entirely down to him and it's to his credit that the way the story is told is as successful as it is (even if the plot he been sadly dumped with is deeply flawed). But, as mentioned before, the story is a mess with under developed supporting characters, stupid motivations and limited opportunities for action. One can't help but wonder what a Fincher Alien movie would be like with full control over the script and minimal studio interference. As it stands it's a bit of a hodge podge of great bits and rubbish bits.

Of the great there is the early funeral scene, which is juxtaposed with the 'birth' of the alien. And the flash fire sequence through the crawlspaces and corridors of the facility is impressively furious and grandiose. On the flip side there's no sense of geography in the showdown as the prisoners try and bait the alien down the maze of corridors towards the deadly lead furnace. It works to Alien 3's advantage to begin with that it's confusing where they, and the alien, are located...since that's what they're experiencing. But as the plan starts to work, then so should are sense of geography....and that never happens. Tension is replaced with frustration since we're never sure how close to their goals the suicidal monks actually are. Still, Fincher instills pace, urgency and tons of gore into the set-piece, so it never fully sucks.

10/ Finally, it's worth checking out the special edition of Alien 3. It's certainly not essential, and it's inclusion only serves to reinstate a ton of needless filler as well as two more very, very stupid character decisions (prisoner Morse releasing prisoner Gollick and then Gollick then releasing the alien itself!) However, the opening sequence as Ripley is rescued from her crashed escape pod does give you a more impressive insight into the drudgery on Fury 161. From a supporting movie perspective, I can't recommend enough the making of documentary in the DVD boxset. From the very troubled development with directors Renny Harlin and Vincent Ward to the frantic clustercuss of filming, to the film's disappointing reception, it's a frank look at how not to make a blockbuster.

So there you have it; stylish beyond reproach, atmospheric, beautifully bleak but lacking in originality and a tight, compelling narrative. Given more time and a director with the clout and experience to stand up to the studio, Alien 3 could have been the third classic in a row for this franchise. As it stands it's a bold and shiny car crash.

* To give Alien 3 some credit, Danny Webb's criminal Morse does get to proclaim one the best onscreen curses in cinema ever. When the alien snatches Brian Glover through the canteen ceiling, Webb picks up a dining room chair and remarks, "FUCK!" in a perfectly pitched and timed exclamation. Nice one.

Twisting Titties From Dusk Till Dawn

Some films are more entertaining than others when watched in a movie theatre with a collective audience. With something like Aliens, you can enjoy the sight of your fellow viewers jumping a mile out of their seats in a scary bit or cheering at their heroes when they emerge to save the day. With something like The Naked Gun you can revel in a huge room full of people falling out of their seats, roaring with laughter. And with From Dusk Till Dawn you can witness the confusion and discontent of a paying audience as a mid-movie shift in tone and genre occurs.

Dusk gives you two brilliant genre movies for the price of one...like the later Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration Grindhouse, except skillfully merged into a single narrative. The first hour is a dark, edgy, suspense filled crime drama as Seth and Richie Gecko flee for the Mexican border after a bloody bank robbery. Tarantino's script is littered with interesting characters, black humour and his trademark conversations that are bursting with tension, without the need to have a gunfight or a punch up. He's matched by Robert Rodriquez's career best direction and some unorthodox editing which makes you feel on-edge and fully engaged.

The second half twist reveals Dusk is actually a latent horror film, with a Carpenter-esque anti-hero Seth Gecko (a career defining/A-list movie star debuting George Clooney) and pals under siege from Mexican Vampires). Rodriquez switches the tone to a much more silly, more inventive Evil Dead 2-style with blood, gore and snappy one liners being the order of the day. Enter Fred Williamson and Tom Savini for some amusing, hard boiled comic relief while Tarantino's script manages to double the spectrum of Vampire mythology finding a dozen new ways to dispatch the bloodsucking undead.

The icing on the cake is a bad ass Mexican flavored rock soundtrack highlighting the work of ZZ Top and Tito and Tarantula, the amusing multi-character playing abilities of Cheech Marin, while elsewhere, Salma Hayek hypnotises in perhaps the sexiest scene ever to be captured on film. A crazy little monster/crime mash up that's a celebration of family and a rediscovery of faith story. It's still my favorite Rodriguez movie and something I never get bored of rewatching, again and again and again.

Rock & Grohl

I've been a big fan of the Foo Fighters since their first album, but I'll be honest in that I didn't know that much about the band itself until I saw the insightful documentary Foo Fighters: Back And Forth. It's a full chronological history of the band from founding member Dave Grohl's early history in Nirvana, through the turbulent changes in the band's line up in the late 90's, to the successes and challenges that they've faced over the past decade. Of course there's plenty of Foo's tunes to accompany the drama and it's also an opportunity to see how key songs were written, recorded and developed.

Frank, fun and fascinating in equal measure, this is well worth watching whether you're a fan of rock music or not.

Me And My Shadows

Brad Anderson, the helmer behind The Mechanic and frequent Fringe collaborator, jumps back to big screen directing duties with Vanishing On 7th Street. It's a creepy Twilight Zone-style apocalyptic drama set in a world where the vast majority of people have simply vanished without a trace. The few survivors that remain are gradually picked of by the darkness and shadows that once enveloping their prey, cause them to vanish too.

The first third is atmospheric and unnerving, with Anderson keeping the dialogue to a minimum. The second act focuses more on character, as the survivors (Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, John Leguizamo and newcomer Jacob Latimore, gather in a bar where they remain, under siege, until the climax, where things go to hell. The situation is an opportunity to explore different people beliefs with some thinking the events are 'random' while others argue it's the work of 'God'. Indeed, there seems to be an interesting religious subtext going on with all the characters having biblical names, and the disappearance of everybody might be something akin to The Rapture or, more likely, a Noah's Ark cleansing of the earth. The religious argument is strengthened even further with the film ending in a church with the last survivors being two children; perhaps the pure and innocent neo-Adam and Eve that are to provide a new beginning?

Whatever the hell it's about, Vanishing is a eerie little suspense movie that plays like a zombie siege movie (without the zombies) or a version of The Happening if done properly. Cool.

The (LIMITLESS) Hangover

I'm not the greatest Bradley Cooper fan. The guy usually comes across as as cocky and smug without the charisma and likability to warrant his over confidence. But with Limitless, a 'what if' science fiction drama, he's found a role where he doesn't have to try and be funny and fail (The Hangover) or try and be a heroic leading man and fail (The A-Team). Cooper instead fully engages in a role that would have been snapped up by Tom Cruise back in the early '90's when his lazy, wannabe writer discovers a new, off the market pill which can allow him to utilize 100% of his brain capacity from reasoning, deduction, memory and processing power.

Surprisingly well executed, the movie explores the trials and tribulations of taking drugs, greed, excess and over-confidence as well as a little social commentary on the capitalist political landscape. It's tightly written, breathlessly directed with truck loads of imaginative camera moves, including many brilliantly original effects shots, to get the audience into the frame of mind of an addict on the mega-drug DZT.

Robert DeNiro seems wasted in a supporting role and only comes into his own in the final scenes, but it's Suckerpunch's Abbie Cornish who brings the screen alive; surely one of the hottest, most talented actresses working today? A great little movie with brains, tension, style and a great turn from Bradley Cooper. Could the possibilities be limitless?

Who'd Have Known The Unknown Wouldn't Be Known

SPOILER ALERT

I knew right from the start, thanks to the trailer, that Liam Neeson's latest Joel Silver produced thriller Unknown was one of those high concept stories that relied on a big, old, M Night Shyamalan twists at the end. I also suspected that that twist would be completely bonkers thanks to the participation of director Jaume Collet-Serra who directed the also-nutty Orphan. Given these facts, I imagined the most bizarre twist ending I could and then just settled in to await the inevitable finale.

Afterward, it was with great relief that I wanted to wrap my arms around Unknown and give it a huge hug and a gert big kiss to say thank you. Thank you for not having a philosophical or brain hurting supernatural twist like Jacobs Ladder or Vanilla Sky. I am so so glad I was wrong because it meant that the viewing experience was worthwhile...I got something out of it.

What you do get is an hour and a half Hitchcockian thriller with an out-of-his-depth everyman fighting for his life and identity, alone in an unfamiliar foreign city (Berlin). The twist basically delivers a film which is like this, this or this...except with the key plot point delivered at the end, rather than at the beginning. It's got a slick Euro feel, delivers it's thrills with suspense and drama rather than an abundance of action and rollicks along dependably for it's running time.

But most of all it's plot twist makes sense, is far more credible than the fantasy I conjured up, and it'll keep you engaged and guessing. Not bad at all.

I Am (A Big Steaming Pile Of) Number Twos

Twilight has a lot to answer for. This year alone, the turgid dreariness that is the Twilight Saga has inspired Beastly, Red Riding Hood and Dreamworks Pictures I Am Number Four. The later is a cross between Smallville (teen alien wrestles with the onset of super powers, unrequited puppy love and school issues) and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (teen moves covertly from one town to another with unstoppable killers in pursuit). The problem is, if you're doing a High School/Small Town drama you want the wit, originality, realism and energy of Buffy, not Smallville.

I Am Number Four is dull, lifeless and predictable for the most part. The cast are dull with Alex Pettyfer being fine but unremarkable, Timothy Olyphantastic ditto, and Dianna Agron being sweetly pretty but not much else.

It's only when the only character with a personality, Teresa Palmer (hot, sassy, cynical and kickass), turns up along with the bad guys (like evil Kryptonians...or rejects villains from I Come In Peace) in the last 25 minutes do things become interesting...and that's over with pretty quickly. Then, like the smug leading man, the film arrogantly sets itself up for a sequel, which it'll never get.

Glossy, well made, unimaginative, teen crap.

Ms Seyfried, What Big Eyes You Have!

Red Riding Hood is a dull but atmospheric fusion of the classic Red Riding Hood legend and the supernatural, teen love triangle antics of Twilight. It's stylish, beautifully designed, lit, scored and cast but a little monotone in it's delivery and execution. Basically a whodunit that weaves the fundamentals of the fairy tale (Grandmother, Big Bad Wolf, Woodcutter, etc) with emotionless shots of angst ridden teens staring longingly at each other. Despite the impressive cast that includes Billy Burke, Virginia Madsen, Michael Hogan and Lucas Haas, its only the beautiful and enigmatic Amanda Seyfried, Julie Christie and a playing-to-the-rafters Gary Oldman (great to see him back in big budget asshole mode again) that stand out amongst the flatness.

Great looking but ultimately lacking in any satisfying drama, horror, romance or suspense.

Yo Ho Ho, It's (Not) A Pirates Life For Me

There's a pattern to be observed with some high cost franchises that are considered overly risky. That is, once the film series had been deemed by the studio to have a greatly reduced built-in audience, the budget is considerably lowered for the next sequel to ensure continued profitability. It's a tactic seen in the early Star Trek movies, the recent Rambo revival and more recently, the third Narnia movie The Dawn Treader.

After viewing the latest in Disney's mega-bucks money machine Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (and viewed in the context of it following the heavily scorned At Worlds End), you'd be mistaken for thinking it had been produced on a much smaller bankroll. But that's not the case as the studio poured $250 into the big black hole that is Pirates 4, but only a third of that seems to have made it's way to the silver screen. The story feels very small scale with the bulk taking place with the confines of tall ships on wrapped in the constricting foliage of Hawaiian jungle. It's scale is reduced even further by being mostly set at night, so the vastness of the jungle, the sprawl of the London streets and the grander of exotic locales in stead looks like it was filmed on studio 57 at BBC Television Centre (only the opening 15 minutes with a brisk prison escape through the crowded streets of the English capitol do things look value for money). Not only that, but there's no big scale effects sequences to indulge in like The Kraken, mile wide ocean whirl pools and armadas of ships as far as the eye can see. There's nowt. The sense of wonder is greatly diminished.

After the flaws in the last movie's script, the current plot isn't exactly a streamlined improvement as there's still multiple characters (Sparrow, Barbosa, Blackbeard, his daughter, a dashing missionary, and the Spanish Navy) all with their own back-stabbing, scheming agendas. Pirate's 4 script has been criticised for being too much like Tron Legacy, with far too much sitting around talking back story, and not enough being shown onscreen...and that's true in Pirate's case (although in Tron's defence they do actually show stuff in flashbacks). The plot's also very contrived (a familiar face bizarrely turns up to save Jack in an impossible coincidence), not that original (a touch too much of Indy 3) and, most unexpectedly, not that much fun.

The bold experiment for this Pirates movie in moving Jack Sparrow (sorry, that's Captain Jack Sparrow) from a background meddler in the main plot to the chief protagonist unexpectedly is a failure. It seems in some cases less is more whether it's Giger's Xenomorph in Alien, the Sheriff of Nottingham in Prince Of Thieves or Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Having a fun thing to liven up a meal might work wonders, but if all you eat is the marzipan on a cake, then you're gonna feel sick pretty soon.

You might be surprised to hear that after paragraphs of criticism and complaint, On Stranger Tides isn't offensively bad. It doesn't make meant to hate it in the way that Wolverine or Godzilla both do. Take away the anticipation for epic CGI-ness and you're still left with a pleasent enough period romp. The cast are lively enough with a returning Depp and Rush as energetic and quirky as you'd expect, Penelope Cruz adds sass and sex appeal while Ian McShane is adequate, in reserved, villainous performance. There's a chisel jawed English Preacher and a pouting French Mermaid that fill the gap left by the departing Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom and while their story arc is a welcome bit of seriousness to break up the overkill of Sparrow, they are quite dull as actors. Finally, while much smaller in scale there's a couple of sequences like the Mermaid attack and Jack's escape from the Spanish camp that are memorable and exciting and despite the dingy over-all look, the gloominess does at least make On Stranger Tides have it's own identity.

Of course the sensible thing to do is to ask Bruckheimer to stop making Pirate movies. Then again, judging by his track record, perhaps the request should be widened to all movies. But I'll just be polite and say that I'm grateful I don't hate the latest effort. Cheers then.

They're On A Mission From God!

I first saw The Blues Brother in my teen years after I'd heard the hype about what a classic comedy it was. Shown late at night I couldn't watch it in one sitting as I'd have to get up early for school the next morning, so I sat there with my father for the first hour. I was confused. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be watching. Why did it take so very long to get going? Why were the jokes so spaced out? How could John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd survive two explosive attacks from from Carrie Fisher? And what was with all that old music that kept interrupting the story? I went to bend frustrated and confused.

The following evening, I rewound the video and watched the secong half. But this time I got it. I now understood that this was also a musical...not just a comedy. I now got that Rhythm and Blues is one of the most joyful music genres ever invented. I now understood that this was a surreal comic book movies where cars can fly, heroes can survive a collapsing building just by dusting themselves off, that excess, done right (like a record number of police cars crashing) can be hilarious and spectacular and that some jokes are more gut-bustingly funny if you have a slow, straight faced, really long build up.

It soon became my favorite comedy ever, with only director John Landis' Animal House to compete with.

I saw it a few years later at an outdoor screening with hundreds of other people, which just highlighted to me the cult appeal of the movie. Lines of dialogue were shouted en-mass at the screen (There's nothing funnier than hundreds of people shouting Charles Napier's classic line, "Don't you say a fucking word", en-mass along with the movie). Every time a song was performed, everybody ran down to the front, dancing underneath the silver screen. As unique a movie experience as I'm ever likely to have.

It still plays perfectly today. The jokes, beautifully timed, slightly surreal, with a dead-pan delivery still make me throw my head back and laugh (the Carrie Fisher gag, set up all the way through the movie, is paid off in one of the best timed pieces of physical comedy ever), the combined songs are still the best various artist soundtracks conceived, and the bonkers chase plot with the cops, the Good Ol' Boys country band and the Illinois Nazis all in pursuit is original beyond the
comprehension of most mortal directors.

Classic, pure and simple.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not (But I'm Alive Again)

The Alien franchise in a nutshell:-
Alien = Horror classic.
Aliens = Action classic.
Alien 3 = Flawed and under-rated.
Alien Resurrection = A load of wank.
Alien vs Predator I & II = Not part of the franchise as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, Alien Resurrection, the forth in Fox's science fiction horror series is waste of mostly everyone's time. By 1997 when the film went into production the Fox Fuck-up Machine that we've grown to know and love was getting into it's stride. Fox did what they've tried to do ever since...hire a visionary director...and then bully the crap out of him until he turns into a bland hack. Thus French stylist Jean-Pierre Jeunet was hired to follow in the footsteps of Scott, Cameron and Fincher to helm a horror, science-fiction thriller. However, Jeunet only succeeded in capturing the science fiction aspect as his silly action romp is neither thrilling nor scary.

If you watch the Special Edition cut, the film gets off to a particularly disastrous start with a shot, which is (seemingly) a close up of the Alien's jaws. As the camera pulls out it reveals it's in-fact an insect on the windscreen of a giant spacecraft. Now it's a cool idea to play with audience expectations and introduce the story location in such a cunning way, but the execution sucks. The insect looks like it was rendered with a Commodore 64 and the extra inside the spacecraft is mugging like he's a Tetley Teabag Chimpanzee. This ain't one of your daft farces Jeunet, it's a sodding horror film!

Once the titles are out of the way the film starts (as the theatrical cut did) with one of the best sequences of the film as Ripley is seen to be a clone and the Queen Alien chestburster is removed from her body. It's moody, atmospheric, tense and has some unusual arthouse editing that makes you think Jeunet will be a great choice. Things soon begin to slide down the slipper slope of shitness and, I'm afraid to say, legendary writer Joss Whedon's script is partly to blame. Rather than concentrate on the crew of the Betty, a far more sympathetic and interesting group whom the audience can identify with, the story is contractually obliged to follow franchise megastar Ripley as she rediscovers her humanity. Ripley's not that likable, the scientists who created her aren't that likable and the military guys aren't that likable meaning the first twenty minutes of the movie are pretty rough.

Things pick up when the crew of the Betty arrive. It's obvious from the ship, the costumes and the dialogue that this group were the progenitors of Whedon's Firefly series. But only half of the dozen Betty crew members work. Micheal Wincott is cool no matter what he's in, as is anti-hero God, Ron Perelman. But the characters of Christie, Sabre and a miscast Dominique Pinon as Vriess don't come off well. That's more the fault of poor casting and Jeunet's inability to translate Whedon's witty reparte to the big screen (much as it was cussed up in the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie) but it means that much of the impact of the dialogue is lost in piss-poor delivery.

Sigorney is fine as a resurrected Ripley, now with added alien DNA, but the baggage she carries from the previous Alien movies (ernest, straight-laced, does the right thing) means she's not quite able to convince as a reborn, half-alen Ripley. She's sort of adopted the independent, cynical, anti-hero role that occupies much of whedon's writing like Spike in Buffy or Jayne in Firefly, except here she's got competition from the brilliant Ron Perlman who's doing the same kind of thing, and it's a role better played as a supporting character in a story, not the lead. A cute and feisty Winona Ryder is the true lead of Alien Resurrection, being more compassionate and morally straight, to the point where here character should have been introduced earlier and should have had a greater focus in the story, overshadowing Ripley more.

Dan Heyada delivers a grandstanding WTF performance that has no right to be in this, or any other movie. He chooses to act like cast in a broad comedy; over the top, broad accented, bug eyed, silly and farcical. And, by Odin's Beard, doesn't the man shave his back?! There's enough hair on the man to question his Wookie heritage!

All mystery and threat the alien itself once possessed has been eradicated by poor choices. The alien no long lurks in the shadows or glimpsed in quick cuts. This time the monster lumbers around onscreen as a sophisticated glove puppet. It's so daft it looks like it could do a ventriloquist act with Brad Douiff (always excellent in any crap the man appears in).

The effects are mostly poor whether it be cartoony CGI xenomorphs or dire outer space model shots delivered from some backwater French effects house, although the make-up stuff is superb, as are the interior model shots (like the alien prison cells). The set design couldn't be more mediocre if it tried, getting it's inspiration of grated flooring and grimey corridors from every other science fiction movie post 1979. And John Frizzell's score is like something out of a 1940's monster movie; lumbering, melo-dramatic and lacking in any kind of subtlety apart from what it rips off of the previous Alien soundtracks.

The story doesn't add anything new to the Alien mythology (apart from the last 20 minutes). It's just the usual eggs, facehuggers, chestbursters, warriors and a queen. And while the Human element is pursued futher, with it's ongoing plot of researchers cloning to discover the potential for exploiting the beast for weapons development, it's still restricted to roaming around dark spaceship corridors. Hmmm. Those last twenty minutes are where the film truly comes off the rails. Ripley writhing about in alien gunge. What? Ripley caressing an alien (is it having it's wicked way with her or what?) And the Newborn, the most misconceived monster in the history of movies. Story wise, it makes sense to explore a human/alien hybrid that's the equal and opposite of Ripley's character. On film, it's silly and laughable. Any credibility, tension and respect the film had mustered disipates when the milky, puppy eyed muppet appears and it's a struggle to get to the end of the film.

It's not all terrible. Having the only sympathetic/moral character be an android is a clever twist on the norms of the series, and there's a few good scenes with Ripley playing basketball, the Number Seven clone discovery (which is one of the few moments in the film that is tonally correct), the Ripley/Call discussion in the chapel and the wonderful underwater chase sequence (only undermined by some horrible CGI aliens). There's some cool death scenes, especially Leland Orser's chestbuster which is used to dispatch an evil scientist through the skull, and Dan Hedaya's rear skull removal.

But these brief moments aren't enough to save the film, or the franchise. For that we've got to wait for Ridley Scott's return to the Alien universe in 2012 with Prometheus. And even if that film isn't a true prequel to his own 1979 classic, it can't be any worse than this. Then again what can?*


* OK. Alien vs Predator: Requiem can be worse.

Core Blimey!

The Core sank upon it's original 2003 release. With rumours surfacing that the effects were bad, disastrous test screenings and a premise that made King Kong Lives looking like a sensible idea, nobody bother to see it. And that's a real shame because The Core is mighty entertaining.

Yes, the scenario (the Earth's core has stopped spinning and a team of intrepid terranauts must restart it) is complete bollocks. And yes, the direction is about as sophisticated as an '70's Bond movie (made to look even blander when compared with the similarly apocalyptic Armageddon helmed by the mega-stylish Michael Bay). But really, that's where it's short comings end.

The ensemble cast of B-list stars are fortunately a bunch of A-list actors with Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank proving to be appealing leads, and Delroy Lindo, an always dependable Bruce Greenwood, Richard Jenkins, an amusing DJ Qualls, Tcheky Karyo, and an infuriatingly brilliant Stanley Tucci. The other saving grace is a fun, action packed script which balances tense scenes of global destruction with tons of great, humorous character moments and white knuckle, race-against-time problem solving (the Space Shuttle landing is a doozey). It's this combination of script and cast which makes this a pleasure to watch over and over again. And even the effects are pretty good too.

Action Movie, With A Particular Set Of Skills

Taken is a prime example of why Luc Besson is the current king of action/bullshit cinema. Take a great star (Liam Neeson), a simple premise (they've kidnapped his daughter), stick him in Paris (or other European city) and let him beat the crap out of the locals with his superior ass kicking abilities. Simples.

Pierre Morel is the man charged with directing the mayhem with that trademark Euro style which always seems to give the ludicrous action a more realistic, grounded feel...and he does a splendid job too. Thank you Mr Besson. There's nothing quite like seeing a mature man and respected actor stomping about shooting cop's wives, electrocuting Albanians and generally punching people in the face. A lot.

May Pick N Mix

Here's new Doctor Who with Matt Smith done Buffy style...



A disco version of the theme from Ridley Scott's ALIEN...



A cool THOR promo riffing off the brilliant VW Darth Vader ad...



Kurt Russell & Co in an amusing fundraising song...

We Are The World 25.75 from Kurt Russell

And for all you CAPRICA fans out there, here's Alessandra Torressani in a pop video dressed as Slave Girl Leia....

Halt Your Attack. Don't Knock The Block

I was really looking forward to seeing Attack The Block thanks to it's alien invasion premise, rave American reviews and it's cool Brit credits (produced by Edgar Wright, directed by Joe Cornish of Adam & Joe Show notoriety and cameoing Nick Frost). But I had my doubts since the heroes fighting the extra-terrestrial invaders this time was a bunch of hoodies, complete with anti-social attitudes, gang posturing and 'yoff' speak (they might think the use of language is a cute gimmick in the States, but I just think it's lazy talk by a bunch of no-hope wankers.)

Twenty minutes into the film and I was struggling. The language was irritating, the kids unlikable thanks to their mugging of posh-totty co-star Jodie Whittaker, and mostly because the leader of the gang, Moses, is portrayed as a virtually irredeemable bell-end; always looking for a fight, prepared to sell drugs, police abusing, knife carrying, neighbour mugging little shit...and pretty much unapologetic for it too. What kept me watching at that stage was the stylish look, the tone and style which is obviously a love-letter to classics like The Thing and Alien, the cool monsters (brilliant in their simplicity, especially considering the micro-budget) and the more sympathetic cast members like Whittaker, Frost and a bumbling Luke Treadaway.

Twenty minutes in and the gang are becoming much more likable, given the added perspective of their parental relationships, that they're not the instigators of the mugging (their twat leader is) and that they don't swear much (not compared to the posher people anyway). The Moses character was a tougher nut to crack. Just when I'd thought he was beginning to soften and become much less of a wanker, he'd do or say something stupid. Fortunately, as the plot progresses, it becomes clear this is a redemptive tale as Moses learns that his actions have consequences and that he must take responsibility for those actions. His story arc is nicely balanced in the Whitaker character who realises Moses and co aren't just evil and that they have a moral code.

It's well played by all concerned in what is basically a classic John Carpenter siege movie with a classic Carpenter anti-hero (Moses is just a hoodie gangland version of Snake Pliskin). Like Shaun Of The Dead or Dog Soldiers it works because it treats it's characters seriously and has complete respect for the genre it's working in. While not as funny as those two classics, it is consistently amusing and the budget restraints never become a debilitating issue.

Just like the hoodies defeat the alien invaders, they also defeated my cynicism.
Whatever next?

Lone Wolf This Is Wolf Den - Colourful Metaphors

I don't think Rambo: First Blood Part II is given the credit it deserves. Before this film action movies had character development, dialogue, and transition scenes that broke up the action. But star and co-writer Sylvester Stallone made some canny decisions when approaching the first sequel to his 1982 classic First Blood.

First he did what all sequels try to do, but mostly fail; you keep what's great about the original and then expand upon it, making changes to location, action, additional characters and variations in plot. The narrative follows the same basic beats as First Blood; Rambo goes against a direct order, gets captured, escapes, then returns to destroy his captors headquarters and face down his enemy, face to face. Setting the film in Vietnam accomplishes two things. It links Rambo very neatly to the original story ("Like you said, Colonel, he went home") and it opens the door for some cathartic, patriotic flag waving from it's native American audience who are, like Rambo himself, bummed out that they didn't win the war.

Upon this basic structure in this jungle location the foundation for every dumb action bullshit movie (both the good and the bad) is laid. Everything that's not essential is stripped away. What remains are the barest essentials of plot points and character beats. In it's place is a movie that is 85% montage. It's almost like a director isn't required just a second unit stunt team and an editor on cocaine. The first half of the movie is an exercise in editing dramatic tension as Rambo stealthily weaves through the rivers and jungles of 'Nam evading capture, while the secong half is wall to wall action the like of which had never been attempted before (at least in an A-list actioner).

But by Jebus it works. One after another, the action scenes hit the audience getting bigger and better and sillier and more intense. The fact that it's just one guy verses an entire army (well two actually as it's the Vietnamese AND the Russians) only stimulates the primal feelings of anti-authoritarianism and revenge that everybody feels in their life to some degree. And it's heightened even further by an operatic Jerry Goldsmith score that ranks as my favorite of his illustrious career.

Critics will say that Rambo II is dumb, stupid and pointless. But not every movie has to be intelligent, as long as it makes an emotional connection. And as an example of film making that taps into that unevolved part of our brain that just wants to fantasize about cutting loose and kicking as, Rambo II is nearly peerless.

Oh, and before I forget, any film which casts Steven Berkoff as a crazy Russian Officer, you've got to give credit to.

Logan's Run Just Ho-Hum

As a kid growing up in the 70's I used to lap up any sci-fi that came my way, even prior to the genre boom that Star Wars brought on. One of those films was Logan's Run, a futuristic story much like THX 1138 where humanity has sealed itself away from the natural world and live obliviously in a seemingly Utopian modern society.
Except, as with all utopias there's a catch; everyone must die at 30, and hopefully be reborn into the next generation. Unless you run.

At the time I loved Logan's Run. The high tech city. The cool guns. The robot 'Box'. The lasers of the face change clinic. The great effects. Just fantastic to a six year old.

Now, I only half love it. The effects ain't that great (the opening shot of the domed city is abysmal), the city is obviously a 70's shopping mall and the costumes seemingly rejects from an aborted 70's Star Trek series. Worst is the story and pacing. When the action takes place in the future city it's pretty good stuff with tons of neat SF concepts, action scenes, philosophical discussions and character development...not to mention those still cool guns. But once Logan runs and is out of the city taking dips in a lake, wandering over-grown American landmarks and making smalltalk with an eccentric Peter Ustinov the film grinds to a complete stop and never recovers.

The casting is somewhat mixed. Ustinov just pisses around (if made today Depp would have a field day dressed up in old age make up), Richard Jordan is pitch perfect as the driven Sandman who never understands his friend's Logan's perspective, and Michael York is mostly fine as the hero...except when he gets bug eyed and hysterical, shaking the leading lady as if to dislodge her head from her neck.

Which brings us to Jenny Agutter. Talk about boy hood crush; beautiful, cute and a posh, English accent. No scrub that, I still love Logan's Run and I want to keep it in my cellar and never, ever let it out.

You're All Clear Kid! Now Let's Blow This Thing & Go Home!

Star Wars, or Episode IV: A New Hope as it's since been dubbed, is one of the earliest films I can remember seeing as a kid. No, I lie. I don't remember the actual film but I do remember excitement beyond comparison as I compared notes with my friend in the car on the way home afterwards. That sense of wonder and excitement regarding Star Wars has rarely left me in all those years...except perhaps recently. In the last half a decade animated series Robot Chicken and Family Guy have both produced spoofs of such class, that it's been almost impossible not to have subversive comedy sketches distract you while watching the film again. For a while now I haven't been able to focus on the plot, but instead the tragic back story of the alien whose arm is chopped off by Obi Wan in the Mos Eisley bar. I've also been less interested in the fact that Darth Vader escapes the Death Star battle, but that he'll be flying around for two weeks smelling like feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon. And I love Star Wars! I was concerned I'd never see the film in the same way ever again.

Fortunately, given a little time and distance, I've been able to go back to one of my all-time favorites and embrace it again as if it were new. After the convoluted prequels, it's great to soak up the sheer simplicity of the story...farm boy helps to deliver a message and rescues a princess along the way. The tone is perfect too. Like the recent THOR, it downplays the sillier aspects (rubber monsters/weird names) and plays everything straight, making situations believable.

It's well structured, divided equally between Tatooine, the Death Star and Yavin which is all kicked off in that epic opening shot which tells you everything you need to know about the Empire and Rebellion in one, swift, iconic moment. The rest of the script is similarly economic. The Death Star conference scene details the political landscape of the Star Wars Universe, describes the power of the Death Star, informs us of Princess Leia's situation, tells us about The Force and advances Darth Vader's character arc. The cantina scene too is remarkably streamlined with Ben's ability as a warrior being showcased, sets up Luke's ability as a pilot, advances the plot and introduces Han Solo's character and his job, while Greedo highlights Han's immorality (Han shots first!). It's a real shame George Lucas re-edited the film so Greedo shots simultaneously or first as it considerably lessens Han's journey from selfish criminal to hero.

There tons of great moments that are aided by the great casting of all concerned. Guinness and Cushing add a down to earth gravitas to proceedings, Ford is brilliantly world-weary, charismatic, charming and cynical, Hammill embodies that perfect balance between naive, over-excitable boy and eager do-gooder, and Fisher gets the balance right between regal, feisty and feminine. Compared with the prequels everybody is relatable and well defined.

For such a simple story there's so much going on to enjoy. I love the way the story starts small, following the two droids until we meet Luke for the first time. Then once that iconic, spine-tingling Twin Sunset hits the story kicks in proper. I love the way Ben manipulates Luke and how Luke's home life is so grounded and mundane, right down to the squabble with his step-dad, that it makes the weird, sci-fi trappings that much more relatable.

There are so many great moments, many of which are humorous like the 'walking carpet' line, "What do you thing of her, Han?" exchange and the running gag about how crap The Falcon looks. Then there's the cliffhanger moments (as inspired by the 30's serials Flash Gordon and Buck Rogers) which dominate the final half of the movie. From the prison break onwards it's non stop, with the corridor battle, garbage monster, garbage crusher, Ben verses Vader and the escape from Death Star coming in rapid succession. The Tie Fighter attack on The Falcon I'd humbly submit as the best edit action sequence of all time. Brilliant one-liners ("Great kid! Don't get cocky"), flawless effects, John Williams bombastic, percussive score and a breathless, experimental feel to the cutting make this sequence monumental...all with a solidly structured beginning, middle and end.

It's pretty much perfect. Only the Special Edition alterations grate. The now dated CGI is mostly intrusive (apart from some nicely integrated dogfighting spaceships in the finale) while the two additional scenes (Han meets Jabba and Luke meets Biggs) slow the pace of the film and don't tell us anything that hasn't been refereed to earlier. Other than that, job well done. The photography is subtle and fresh while it's worth remembering that this was the moment that John Williams became the most important composer in film music, ever. TM.

Yep, those parodies have failed to turn me to the dark side. Even as I finish up this review I'm bombarded by landmark movie moments that have become some of the very cornerstones of my psyche whether it's, "Run Luke, Run!", that rousing chasm rope swing or "You're all clear kid. Let's blow this thing and go home".
It is a holy trilogy indeed.

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith

Pure THORnography

Back in the old days (er, pre-2008) if Marvel Comics wanted to transfer one of their comic book properties to the big screen they'd have to sell the rights to a Hollywood studio. Thus Spider-man went to Sony, Daredevil and the Fantastic Four went to Fox and the Incredible Hulk went to Universal. But now Marvel have got their own production company they can adapt their own properties, starting with Iron Man.
Now, that's both a good thing and a bad thing. The good is they can create a consistent tone, feel and aesthetic to their superhero universe across many movies, meaning that not only do they create and define a cinema brand for Marvel, they can have crossover stories between characters that feel natural and unforced. And that's great as no one's attempted to do this in cinema (we'll ignore the disastrous attempts to do so in the Incredible Hulk TV movies of the 90's). The downside is that you'll never get a truly visionary superhero Marvel movie along the lines of a Nolan or Burton Batman, a Rodriguez/Miller Sin City or an Ang Lee Hulk.

Thor, the latest Marvel Studios production falls squarely into the brand mold, but it fortunately lands at the high end of the quality spectrum (with the mediocrity of 2009's The Incredible Hulk at one end and 2008's Iron Man at the top). It's a fun, broadly appealing, action-packed, engaging spectacle of a super-hero blockbuster that's immensely watchable from start to finish.

There's a few reasons why Thor works. The hiring of director Kenneth Branagh was a (mostly) great idea. The man's spent an entire career making Shakespeare's melodramatic stories about kings, destiny, family and power all seem grounded and relatable. Shakespeare's dialogue might be unfamiliar and odd, but it's the timeless ways in which the actors communicate the emotions through gestures, facial ticks, vocal pitch, etc, all honed by the director, that makes the story understandable to a contemporary audience. Branagh's trick here is to turn the bullshit comic book dialogue into something real and grounded.

He's helped by a great cast headed by true-movie-star-in-the-making Chris Hemsworth as Thor. Not only does the newbie put his balls on the railway track by going head to head with a bellowing Anthony Hopkins (also brilliant), but he confidently handles the various sides of the Thunder God from cocky, arrogant, confused, charming and funny. Also impressive is Tom Hiddleson as Thor's trouble making brother Loki, his skill making him somewhat sympathetic even though he's the big bad of the film. Oscar winner Natalie Portman gets to do the thankless love-interest role, but it's refreshing to see her spread her wings and do something light and humorous with an infectious energy and natural sex-appeal. While the story never convinces that Portman and Hemsworth could fall in love in a couple of days to provide the selfish hero with some humility, they do at least convey to the audience that they lust for each other, big time.

Other than that Thor is a rollicking big funfair ride. The effects are expansive and solid in quality, but still have a CGI ness about them that's become ILM's trademark in the days where the superior WETA have emerged on the scene. The story is tight, fast paced and frequently funny (especially the fish-out-of-water stuff) without being overly dumb. The S.H.I.E.L.D sequences are much better integrated than Iron Man 2 while the Jeremy Renner Hawkeye cameo neatly sets up his larger role in next years Avengers movie. The action is frequent and occasionally tense, although the fights and set-pieces could hardly be ranked as classics. The score too is solid, but forgettable while the production design ranks among the strongest of the movie Marvel Universe to date, with the off-world Asgard stuff being particularly stunning.

I have only one major gripe. Someone really should tell Branagh to lay off the Dutch camera angles. Sure, every body uses them as they're a useful too to suggest to an audience that something is amiss in the story, but overuse, as it's borderline on doing in Thor, is not only distracting but can sink a movie (Battlefield Earth is comprised entirely of Dutch angles!) Rant over.

Thor's to be recommended and it makes me all the more giddy with anticipation for the Viking superhero's participation in the bold Avengers experiment.

Fly, Seagal, Fly!

Wedged in between Passenger 57 (1992) and Air Force One (1998) in the modern hijack thriller stakes was a modest little effort from producer Joel Silver called Executive Decision. As usual it was the same old shit with terrorists (reliable movie Muslim/Arab extremists)having hijacked a passenger jet en-route to the States...this time with some potent and lethal nerve agent on board. Instead of the sole, under-equipped and out-gunned hero Silver opted for a much more realistic scenario of a trained team of soldiers sneaking on board to take out the baddies....except he realised that the concept had become a little bit too run-of-the-mill. So Silver gets his elite SEAL team on board in a daring mid-air and covert transfer from one plane to another. Can you smell it?

Just like Air Force One, Executive Decision's director is a hack so it's a solid effort that's greatly aided by a tight, tension filled script and a great cast from Kurt Russell as the man-out-of-his-depth, Halle Berry as the hot stewardess, Davis Suchet (back on Arab fundamentalist duties after Iron Eagle), Oliver Platt, John Leguizamo and J.T.Walsh. A great touch is the casting of Steven Seagal, set up as the unbeatable military leader of the good guys, before being offed withing the first action set-piece of the mission. This might be familiar, by-the-numbers film-making, but it's rather tense by-the-numbers film-making which means there's still life in the old girl yet.

Get The Hell Off My Plane!!!

Good old Air Force One. Take Die Hard and mix it with a aircraft hijacking movie and what have you got? Er, well Passenger 57 obviously. But then if you make the solitary hero working alone to save the hostages the President of the U.S. of A himself...and then cast Harrison Ford as the President and you've got the ingredients for some, patriotic, big-budget badassery.

The characters and the dialogue might be under-written, and director Wolfgang Peterson might not be able to capture the spirit of jingoistic American flag-waving bollocks as brilliantly as the master Michael Bay...but it gets the job done with enough heart, tension and scenery chewing (from the excellent Glenn Close, Xander Berkley, Dean Stockwell and certified baddie genius Gary Oldman) to give you over two hours of breathless popcorn bullshit.

The script, in terms of pacing, situations and action set-pieces is a major plus, as is the classic Goldsmith score and Ford's casting as the conflicted yet determined Commander In Chief. About 80% of the effects work is fine, but is under-mined by a handful of rudimentary CGI aircraft shots that look like they were computer modelled by an 8 year old. But this isn't a film to nitpick. Just soak up the corny lines, the the cunning escapes of Mr Ford, the craziness of Mr Oldman and soak up that bullshit.