The Darkest Hour (Which I'll Never Get Back)

I was really looking forward to The Darkest Hour. It held the promise of a big scale, alien invasion blockbuster produced by Russian visionary Timur Bekmambetov, set in the rarely filmed Moscow and starring a youthful cast of promising up and comers. Alas, on arrival, this sci-fi horror flick sucks.

The budget turned out to be not that big which dramatically impacts on the scale of the film...no longer a Ruskie Independence Day...now a more 28 Days Later vibe. The characters are underwritten, annoying cardboard cutouts lifted directly from a standard teens-in-trouble horror movie plot and the actors put very little effort in to expand their characters beyond the one dimensional cliches as written in the script. The highly thought of Emile Hirsch comes off the worst, being cocky, gung ho and humour free from the get go...at least Olivia Thrilby and Rachael Taylor can coast by on cuteness and hotness respectively.

No tension, a bare bones of a plot, silly peripheral characters, terrible dialogue and, worst of all, an overwhelming sense of boredom pervade The Darkest Hour. The nicest thing I can say about it is the effects look good. But effects alone do not a good movie make.

Does Your Dog Bite?

Neil Marshalls confident feature film debut achieves a feat that has rarely been achieved in horror films in that it’s both scary and funny. It’s odd that it should be another British set werewolf movie that should manage this as the best film to achieve that delicate yet highly effective balance was An American Werewolf In London.

Dog Soldiers is a simple premise; a bunch of British Army squaddies are laid siege to in a remote Scottish cottage by a family of 9 foot, ravenous werewolves. A great cast led by the resourceful Kevin McKidd battles the lycanthropic foe along with the patriarchal Sean Pertwee, the deceptive Liam Cunningham and Emma Cleasby’s attractive local researcher with a secret.

The very British humour gives the film a unique and appealing flavour, the characters well defined, the dialogue sharp (gotta love Pertwee’s “tattoo” speech), the action endlessly inventive, the B-movie plot has a couple of surprises up its sleeve. Even the werewolves themselves are remarkably impressive, considering this is usually the first thing that even major Hollywood productions get wrong. A devastatingly entertaining blast of fun, Dog Soldiers remains endlessly rewachable.

Six Chicks With Picks

Neil Marshall is one of the most talented and exciting filmmakers to emerge from the UK directors pool over the last decade. Not only did he write and direct a classic in Dog Soldiers with his first full time movie, but he even managed to trump it in 2005 with the sublime horror film The Descent. Mixing the atmosphere of Alien, with the psychological horror of The Shining with the adventure holiday gone amok scenario from Deliverance, The Descent follows a group of female friends (six chicks with picks) as the embark on a caving expedition in the American Appalachian mountains.

There are several elements that combine to make this a near perfect slice of horror cinema. First off is a superb script which ramps up the tension immediately after introducing us to the lovable girlies and their commitment to extreme sports. It perfectly balances the psychological descent of protagonist Sarah with that of her 'friend', antagonist Juno, who is the root of all Sarah's problems. It's a testament to how great the story, characters and direction is that white knuckle tension is generated to extreme levels in the films first half...even without any classic horror elements being introduced. Of course, once the carnivorous Crawlers enter the scene it's a no holds barred exercise in frenzied, bloody violence and terror.

Easily one of the best horror films of the last decade...if not of all time. A word to the wise however...for the story to truly make sense and for the full impact of the psychological horror to take effect, one must seek out the international cut of the film rather than the neutered US edition with the ending removed. Sorry Yanks, but your love of happy endings does you an incredible disservice in this case.

The Pensioners From Brazil

Franklin J Schaffner might have been the director of such acclaimed dramas as Patton, Papillon and Planet Of The Apes but that didn't stop him from giving the world The Boys From Brazil which is an astonishingly dull science fiction mystery.
The impressive cast miss the mark most of the time. James Mason is phoning it in, Gregory Peck struggles with his German accent and character actor extraordinaire Laurence Olivier has somehow convinced his director that an frail, eccentric Jew is the right protagonist for this particular story. The twat. At least an enthusiastic and baby faced Steve Guttenberg has the right idea. The plot moves at a glacial pace with little in the way of suspense or danger to liven up the dull planning of Peck's obsessed scientist or the rambling musings of Olivier's wacky crusader.

Still it does have a least two things going for it. Jerry Goldsmith delivers a bombastic score which adds a little energy to the lifeless visuals and the film at least has a stunning premise; what if someone could clone Hitler? At least on a conceptual level, Boys does have the capacity to chill. Unfortunately, it's all undermined in the final confrontation as Olivier and peck battle it out in a suburban living room. There's nothing like two pensioners fighting to the death in a major motion picture. It's just a shame it evokes a recent episode of Family Guy where Herbert The Pervert battles a Nazi...shown below in it's original Spanish!

Above Average, Below The Waves

David Twohy is one of Hollywood's most enduring writers, that like his fellow peer David Koepp, occasionally ventures into directing, always with interesting results (see Pitch Black, The Arrival and A Perfect Getaway for more Twohy). With Below he teams up on the screenplay with Darren Aronofsky to produce a supernatural tinged World War II submarine thriller that is every bit as tightly scripted and professionally directed as you'd expect from the big cheese.

Below has a strong ensemble led by Olivia Williams who assumes the audiences perspective as a survivor of a U-boat attack on her medical frigate who takes refuge on a US attack sub which holds its own secrets. The great Bruce Greenwood predictably but dependably plays the skipper with the likes of Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Nick Chinlund, Zack Galifinakis, Christopher Fairbank and Holt McCallany.
Suspense is laid on thick and fast with the script delivering ever increasing perils for the dwindling crew to endure, the supernatural elements are downplayed allowing the tension to be generated by the deteriorating inter-personal relationships and there's some strong effects work to support the parallel story of the sub being hunted by a predatory German surface vessel.

It's a shame the big revelation at the end is signposted a half an hour before the climax but this is still strong work from Twohy an company and a welcome diversion from clones of The Sixth Sense which were doing the rounds at the time of its release.

It's A Kind Of Magic (Mushroom)

It turns out that there are rather a few different versions of Highlander II doing the rounds. There's the US theatrical cut, which runs to about 85 minutes, there's the UK cut which is about 25 minutes longer...as well as a variety of other edits which attempt to mold the problematic narrative into something comprehensible. The last edit, 2004's DVD release called the 'Ultimate Edition', is the nearest the producers have got to presenting a version of the story that makes the most sense and it's the version that I've seen this time around.

Controversially, Highlander II The Quickening takes place around 40 years after the original with the now mortal Connor MacLeod an old man living in a environmentally ravaged future. Surprisingly there's a lot that works, while there's still a great deal that monumentally sucks.

On the plus side:-

1/ The future setting is a ballsy move, being a considerable change from the contemporary and historic scenes of 1986's Highlander. Filmed in the decaying suburbs of Buenos Aires, the exteriors are a funky blend of Blade Runner and cyberpunk sensibility all bathed in early nineties design ideology of strong blue light and smoke machines. The film (for the most part looks great.)

2/ The plot of MacLeod having received The Prize at the conclusion of the first film and uses that gift of knowledge to create an energy shield to protect the earth in the absence of a nearly destroyed ozone layer is a great concept, as are his subsequent attempts to prove the shield is no longer necessary. It also has a nice subtext about the greed of corporations over the common environmental good of the population...a subject which is exponentially growing in importance 20 years after the film was released.

3/ The cast are uniformly excellent. Christopher Lambert and Seam Connery reprise their roles with gusto proving to be a formidable and extremely entertaining double act in the brief scenes they have onscreen together. Michael Ironside's villain General Katana might be a pale imitation of Clancy Brown's sublime Kurgan, but this is still Ironside we're talking about here so he still musters more than enough maniacal menace to eclipse most of his bad guy peers. John C McGinley delivers a masterclass in slime douchbag corporate bosses while Virginia Madsen is both strong and insanely beautiful as the love interest.

4/ The action sequences aren't forced down you throat like so many future epics are these days and the action is admirably diverse, often violent, and not just sword fighting either. An earlt sequence with MacLeod being attacked by two winged assassins is perhaps the best of the bunch with hoverboards, trains and exploding cars all mixed up into a bonkers concoction of mayhem.

5/ Returning director Russell Mulcahy still had a flair for imaginative cross fades (so memorable in the first film) as well as an art house approach to editing meaning this never feels as predictable as his later work like Ricochet and The Real McCoy.

6/ The effects in this version have been given an overhaul so the shoddy red shield effect has been replaced with a less shoddy blue shield effect and there's a few nice matt paintings to expand the city scapes a little further.

So far so good. But the bad news is still bad.

a/ An attempt has been made in this 'Ultimate Cut' to erase the idea that Immortals are indeed from the distant Planet Zeist by suggesting that they are in fact from the distant past instead (all with the help of a new matt painting and some dodgy overdubbed voice inserts.) The problem is this makes even less sense than the Zeist backstory. At least with that scenario you could explain the futuristic clothing, interior structures and superior technology available to Ironside and his crones and not just 'magic' as the spin insists.

b/ Sean Connery's presence in the story makes no sense at all. Although exiled to Earth/the future and slain in the first film Connery is resurrected when MacLeod calls his name. 'Magic' or 'a special connection' is the reason we're asked to believe for this remarkable reappearance, but it feels like bullshit to me. Why he reappears in Scotland of all places we're never told (maybe because that was where he was killed?) and what he contributes to the story is questionable. At least as comic relief he's a force to be reckoned with.

c/ The whole energy shield plot works fine but the return of the Immortals narrative is devoid of logic. The only reason MacLeod regains his immortality is the energy he inherits from the two fallen assassins sent to kill him. But since MacLeod is an old man at deaths door, it makes no sense that General Katana would risk MacLeod becoming an undying threat again (a fact that's pointed out to him at least twice within the movie!!!)

d/ If there was a major criticism of the first Highlander it was the speed in which the love interest falls for MacLeod. Doubling down on weak character plotting, the film makers do it again by having Madsen fall head over feels for Lambert having only exchanged a handful of lines of dialogue...and then only for 30 seconds as a rejuvenated young man. Sweet Zeus, is seduction part of the immortals magic arsenal as well?

e/ Too many things happen without explanation. Why does Katana and company call Lambert and Connery "MacLeod" and "Ramirez" when these are the names they adopted after their exile to earth / the future? Surely they had names before their exile?
If Ramirez can summon up all his life's energy into one small moment to save his friends, why doesn't MacLeod fade into non-existence when he apparently performs the same magical feat at the film's climax? Whatever happened to MacLeod's ability to sense another immortal when they're near him? Although he occasionally posses this ability, it's inconsistent throughout the film. And following on from the first film, why do the immortals observe the rule about not fighting on holy ground? It's not part of their pre-exile instructions and it's not like Christianity is practiced on Zeist (or over 2000 years ago for that matter.)

f/ Ironside might make a cool villain but his one-liners sure are tiresome. The subway train sequence where he arrives from Zeist/the past is ludicrous, perhaps being a metaphor for the out of control nature of the filming.

If you have the capacity to switch your brain's logic centres into neutral then Highlander II is not the total write off that the legend speaks of. It's an unusually brave sequel (so brave that initially both Blade 3 and RoboCop 2 once considered a far-future set sequel before ditching the idea for something safer and more familiar). Just try not to think too much.

Return Of The Time Travelling Body Snatchers

Much like Freejack, the 1989 science fiction film Millennium was also about time traveler who snatch people from the past who are destined to die. In Freejack's case it was a racing driver from a car crash but with Millennium it's plane crash victims who are saved to repopulate an environmentally ravaged future. But the different in approach to their stories couldn't be more different.

Where Freejack wants to swim in the same waters as Total Recall, Millennium is stuck in it's own time warp. It's directed by Michael Anderson with all the drab visual flair of a late 1970's TV movie, the visual effects of an mid-1980's TV movie while the cyber punk landscape of the future Earth is at least up to date for when the film was made. The past its sell by date feeling isn't helped with the casting of 70's icon Kris Kristofferson and Charlies Angels babe Cheryl Ladd, both fine actors to be sure, but actors who carry onscreen baggage tieing them to a particular era.

Fortunately this is intelligent stuff exploring fate verses freewill, the complexities of temporal time travel and mans inability to control the nature order of things. It's unfortunate that it's obvious that Millennium is derived from a short story as the script feels particularly padded in places (especially in the romantic middle act) plus much of the dialogue is leaden and corny. But it does maintain the interest thanks to a structure that recalls Back To The Future Part II with time travel observed from the time travellers point of view, allowing us to see the same event from diffent perspectives.

Millennium would probably have worked better with a shorter running time as part of a science fiction anthology such as The Outer Limits but, despite its problems, it's still great to see proper, hard core science fiction movies.

Max Headroom - 25 Years In To The Future

Most people of a certain age will remember the character Max Headroom, some from his chat show, some from his hour long sci-fi adventure show, some from his iconic Coke adverts and some from his pop video cameos, but few seem to recall the cutting edge standalone drama that introduced him in 1986, Max Headroom: 20 Minutes Into The Future. Set in a dystopian future where the bulk of the population live in extreme, post apocalyptic poverty while the world is dominated by rival mega-corporation broadcasters who fight tooth and claw for ratings dominance, it follows ace reporter Edison Carter who uncovers a conspiracy at his employers Network 23 to use a revolutionary, and deadly, form of advertising.

Max Headroom is a great piece of social commentary exploring where unrestrained capitalism is heading and the dire effects on society as a whole, it highlights conflicts of interests between news broadcasters and their corporate owners, it raises moral questions about duplicating real people as CGI reproductions, as well as satirizing an increasingly obese population who are too glued to their consoles and TV screens to save themselves from their own unhealthiness.

Imaginatively directed by Annabel Jankel & Rocky Morton, this is a visually dynamic piece of experimental film making from the cyberpunk design, arty editing, high-tech wire-frame computer animation and decaying, Blade Runner inspired designs. It's bleak mise-en-scene is accompanied by a blackly humorous script and a fantastic Midge Ure synth score.

The casting is icing on the cake. Matt Frewer has the range to play both reckless hero Edison as well as his CGI alter ego Max, Nicholas Grace perfects the bulging eyed maniacal schemer he perfected in Robin Of Sherwood, George Rossi and Hilton McRea are great as two immoral oddjob men and William Morgan Sheppard has rarely been more entertaining as the clueless but ambitious Reg. The highlight of the casting is Amanda Payes as Frewers partner; English posh totty has rarely possessed a form that was more cluster spooge inducing.

The offshoots of this hour long enterprise may very well have entered into popular culture as an immovable, fixed point in time defining the 1980's, but it's this outstanding piece of drama that should not be forgotten.

(Free) Jack Shit

Freejack has a strong pedigree behind it promising an equally strong science fiction action film. It reunited director Geoff Murphy and star Emilio Estevez from their 1990 hit Young Guns II, which was a vast improvement over the first film in that short lived series. On top of that you had top drawer talent like Rene Russo, Anthony Hopkins, dependable bad guy Jonathan Banks and oddball Amanda Plummer and factor in a co-writing credit for Ronald Shusett who was coming off the back of Total Recall, a film which Freejack is obviously heavily inspired by.

Despite all of the above the film is a mess. Geoff Murphy's direction, once so confident in the western genre, falls to pieces in the sci-fi arena. The look of the future world that Estevez is transported to (2009!) doesn't gel as a believably designed society, the action is glossy but boring, the script is dire and without the fun of Total Recall, and the tedious chase plot is burdened by a central mystery that's obvious from the start.

However, the biggest, most epic fail of Freejack goes to it's stunt casting of rock megastar Mick Jagger as baddie Vacendak. He's terrible with it being particularly obvious that he knows bugger all about acting. Given his prominence in the film it's a massive flaw that drags the already struggling production to its knees and in retrospect Jagger must have known this having never acted again. In some ways you've got to feel sorry for champion thespian Anthony Hopkins. Not only did he have to costar with Jagger's bottle of the barrel antics in this but he had to costar with Keanu Reeves in Bram Stokers Dracula the very same year. Now that is some real bad luck.

Major League Hits It Out Of The Park

Hollywood has produced some classic baseball movies over the years including The Natural, Moneyball, Bull Durham and Field Of Dreams, but perhaps none more fun than Major League. The foundation of this film is pure and predictable; take the hopeless losers win the title story and chuck in a touch of rom-com and you've got your basic underdogs triumph against adversity plot.

But the stupendously good cast led by Tom Berenger (he may not have made it big as a leading man but he's better than Worthington, Wahlberg and Cooper combined), a youthful Charlie Sheen (in his first role showing off his genius for comedy if you ignore the Ferris Bueller cameo) and a razor sharp Wesley Snipes (why didn't he do more comedy...or more of anything good for that matter). The ensemble are lovable, the individual gags around the team's shortcomings in character and ability frequently hilarious, Margaret Whitton's pantomime villian hissable, an adorable leading lady in Rene Russo (so gorgeous it's no wonder she was a Hollywood favorite for over a decade) and a story that has you cheering come the end. Director David S Ward injects a warm tone and handles things with a steady, well-timed comedic hand.

Major League remains memorable for its use of power rock version of The Trogg's Wild Thing in various different forms throughout the movie culminating in the anthemic scene below. Still a very funny film and a great example of the underdog sports movie done well.

April Pick N Mix

Lightsaber training courtesy of Episode I.



When Geoge Lucas's merchendising ambitions go too far?



Have Lucas, Abrams & Bay helped out on the Titanic re-release?



Here's a link to the website Batman Running Away From Shit....here.

Harley Davidson & The Bullshit Baldwin Man

Not every bullshit action film released at the height of the Action Bullshot Golden Years hit the bullseye. Take Harley Davidson & The Marlboro Man, an action thriller from MGM that was highly tauted as a blockbuster even in it's pre-production stages before crashing and burning with audiences and critics upon its 1991 release.

It's got a lot of elements to get excited about. There's the upfront talent in the form of classic, laid back leading man Don Johnson (making the leap from TV's Miami Vice to motion pictures) and the raw, edginess of a youthful Micky Rourke. Chuck in up and coming stars like Tia Carrera, Chelsea Field, Tom Sizmore, Kelly Hu and Vanessa Williams, a cool rock soundtrack (the opening titles open to the magnificent Wanted Dead Or Alive by Bon Jovi), slick director in Simon Wincer fresh off the superb Quigley Down Under, and a revisionist western plot about two gunslingers trying to hang onto their past and you've got an exciting mix.

And while it's well made, amusing in parts and full of action it doesn't work as a whole. Basically it's too dull. There's endless scenes of Micky and Don discussing their future and what they're going to do...but it's so poorly written that it's rarely compelling drama. The action is weakly staged, the humour seldom hits the mark and the bullshit plot at odds with the character mechanics in play. Worst of all is the Fat Baldwin, aka Danial Baldwin, as the leader of the henchman. A contemporary Western this may be but someone had the bright idea of dressing the dead eyed plank in a futurist full length trench coat like a visitor from The Matrix. Harley Davidson might think of itself as a bullshit action classic but it's not bullshit enough to content with a chubby Baldwin.

Bullshit, With Kuffs On

It was inevitable after the stellar success of Beverly Hills Cop that someone would try and repeat the formula. Try they did and in 1992 Kuffs made its way into cinemas with a young but charming Christian Slater assuming the anti-authoritarian lead role. Following in BHC's footsteps it has Slater's slacker get out of his depth (taking on his brother's police district instead of going to Beverly Hills) to take down the killer of his murdered sibling. As expected there's a big business bad guy who's in to smuggling, his asshole henchman (a brilliantly creepy Leon Rippy), the police chief trying to keep Slater in line (Troy Evans), his dopey but eager partner (Tony Goldwyn).

There's a couple of things that sets Kuffs apart. A spectacularly young (and cute) Milla Jovovich provides the warm, gooey centre of the basic, crime, revenge plot while Kuffs himself borrows a trick from Ferris Bueller by breaking the fourth wall by talking directly to the audience. Add to that a nice cameo from icon Bruce Boxleitner, a slick, contemporary sheen to the photography and a zippy score from Harold Faltermeyer this is fast and funny action bullshit to accompany your beer and popcorn on a Friday night in front of the DVD.

Bullshit's Blind Fury

In the late 80's and early 90's Rutger Hauer was managing to star in a few cool action/horror projects that included Wanted Dead Or Alive, The Hitcher and Split Second. One of the best from that period was Blind Fury a short, sharp blast of light comedy and brutal action. Part western (the outsider comes to town and rescues the boy and the innocents from the bad guys before buggering off again) and part superhero drama (man learns heightened abilities following a tragic incident and uses his skills to help the needy.)

The real surprise here is that it's directed by Phillip Noyce, better known for his sturdy, mature thrillers like Patriot Games, The Bone Collector and Salt than a quirky, over the top action/comedy like this (although the film is slick enough in it's presentation to prove that there's no first time MTV music hack behind the camera.) Hauer demonstrates what a great action star he is with a performance ranging from lethal and pissed off to afraid and irreverent although it's a shame to discover that co-star Lisa Blount has since passed on making her work here even more endearing.

Great, original action, tons of fantastic quips ("Nice doggie!") and some cool combat sequences made all the more compelling with the participation of a blind swordsman.

Punisher Of Bullshit

Still hated to this day by many movie and comic book fans alike, the 1989 adaptation of Marvel Comics The Punisher is still the best filmed version so far. Dolph Lundgren might be one of the worst actors ever, but he certainly looks the part and a screenplay that gives him minimal dialogue and a high bodycount only play to its leading mans strengths.

For a bullshit action film, this takes itself pretty seriously, with little in the way of broad humour to lighten the mood save for Barry Otto's thespian/tramp/ informer/sidekick. It's got a short and sweet 80 minute run time, a busy script that has antihero battling both the Mafia and the Yakuza while being pursued by Lou Gossett Jnr's ex-cop partner, a spartan, almost monochrome look, a distinctive orchestral score and its Australian filmed exteriors give the film a unique visual signature. Directed by ex-editor Mark Goldblatt, there's a cool experimental attitude to the cutting of the film which makes it stand apart from the other action films of the time put it's got a larger than life tone that embraces its over-the-top comic book roots.

Far better than the Tom Jane reboot (utter shit) or the loose sequel starring Ray Stevenson (much improved), 1989's The Punisher is the super-violent superhero bullshit action movie of choice.

Stone Cold Bullshit

Stone Cold stands as one of the masterpieces of Bullshit Action Movies.

First off, you've got Brian Bosworth, an ex-professional American football star turned action hero, as the standard issue maverick, loose cannon cop sent under cover to bring the bad guys down...from the inside! The man certainly has screen presence, although he barely possesses the necessary charisma to pull off the role of 'action hero'. As for acting ability, you can tally that up to none.
Bosworth also has the privilege of being the gayest attired action hero, like, ever. His mullet is spectacular, edging out Van Damme's Hard Target mega-mullet by a permload and his unfortunate assortment of early nineties sweatbands, low cut t-shirts, speedos and earrings make him the hardest whoopsie on the action circuit.

Stone Cold's spin on the tired undercover cop plot is that he has to infiltrate a biker gang. Cue needless nudity, metal songs aplenty, a wanky hard rock guitar score, leather, profanity, violence, sluts, cool bikes, anarchy and other crazy shit. To add icing on the cake the gang is run by the legendary Lance Henriksen and his right hand man William Forsyth. If that's not worth the admission price, I don't know what is.

It's directed with pace and style by ex-A-Team stunt coordinator Craig R Baxley meaning that the punch ups are rowdy, the vehicle chases are messy, the explosions are in slow motion and they use up a metropolis load of bullet squibs in the process.
Filled with humour, tons of attitude and a big scale finale in the Mississippi State Capital Building, this is bullshit action to be cherished.

A Split Second Of Bullshit

Split Second is so cheap and so cheesy at times it should be utterly unwatchable. Thankfully due to a volcano sized scoop of cool delivered by the cast and the creative team it's a fun bullshit action romp from beginning to end.

Bonkers Rutger Hauer (wearing sunglasses in an underground sewer pursuit) plays the archetypal rouge, loose cannon cop on the hunt of a heart collecting serial killer.
One of the things that keeps this interesting is the weird blend of genres; at first a serial killer crime film, then a buddy movie, then comes a touch of the supernatural before become a flat out monster flick. Oh, and all wrapped up with a cheap Blade Runner-esque, flooded, near-future Brit-sci-fi vibe.

Hauer is his usual, charming, unpredictable self, his banter with Alistair Duncan forms the heart and humour of the film, Kim Cattrell (complete with Star Trek VI Vulcan haircut) brings the cuteness, Michael J Pollard brings the weird and Alun Armstrong and Pete Postlethwaite bring the backlash of Police formality.

Despite the mega low budget, it's got a strong, decaying, run-down visual design, distinct cinematography (in a James Cameron/blue lighting kind of way) and a great monster when the large bugger finally appears. There's some great running gags as far as the mis-matched partners are concerned like Hauer's addiction to coffee and sugar (which he passes on to his partner and Duncan's obsession with 'fucking big guns' and killing rats.

If Britain's film industry must be low budget and small scale, why can't we make more stuff like this?

Deep Rising Bullshit

Before director Stephen Sommers was hired to resurrect The Mummy for Universal, he got the prime job of creating another big budget monster movie in the shape of Deep Rising. Merging the current trend (in 1998 that is) of disaster movies (Independence Day) and Ocean Liners (Titanic, er, also a disaster movie I suppose) it has a Han Solo style smuggler (a laconic and charming Treat Williams) and his crew transport a team of mercenaries (including Jason Flemyng, Djimon Hounsou, Wes Studi and Cliff Curtis) to a stricken passenger liner where they encounter Famke Janssen, amongst others. Soon the mercs mission is all but forgotten as the untrusting band fight to escape the giant, multi tentacled sea beast that has seized the ship.

While it's unlike Sommers to deliver a contemporary set film, this very much has his signature all over it. It's very glossy indeed, very silly and the horror elements are watered down in a daft, Tim Burton kind of way. There's relentless action, mostly staged around the diverse interior of the vessel, a script that goes beyond shallow and (as unfortunately expected from a Sommers film) some of the most cartoony and poorly rendered CGI since the last Stephen Sommers film you saw.

Deep Rising is dumb, but like The Mummy, only blandly so.

Further Adventures Of Casey F~@king Ryback

Die Hard on a battleship, Steven Segal starrer Under Siege really wanted to be taken seriously as a thriller first and foremost, and a fun action film second. The sequel, Under Siege 2 Dark Territory, has made the conscious decision to swap those priorities around. So the more serious tone od Andrew Davis's original is supplanted by the hyper bullshit tone of Geoff Murphy's follow up...and all the better for it.

Setting aside that nutters Tommy Lee Jones and Gary Busey are absent for this film (as well as Erika Eleniak's boobies), Under Siege 2 is better in nearly every way apart from it's setting. While the mundane interior of a trans-continental passenger train is no match for the cooler battleship/on the ocean locations there's much to recommend. Basil Poledouris's epic score perfectly compliments the old fashioned, heroic bullshit on display, the photography is richer than the blandness of the first film, the action more immediate and more striking, the James Bond plot far dumber and so more in keeping with the more fun tone, and the supporting cast is great. Young Katherine Heigl shows star quality in this early role, Brenda Bakke (so lusted over in Hot Shot Deux) oozes sex appeal, Eric Bogosian is memorable as the cocky, brainiac villain and his crew are diverse enough to populate a Joss Whedon ensemble show about mercs. Leader of the pack is Everett McGill as Bogosian's right hand man; stern, hard, and with a white as snow buzz cut he makes a strong adversary for the inevitably invincible Segal.

This is of course Steven Segal's show and he has seemingly insisted that the script be tailored to his unique brand of bullshit by having him referred to as a hero at every opportunity, bragging about bullets wounds being 'nothing', making every character love him despite his uncharismatic, grumpy exterior and beating bad guys to a pulp without breaking a sweat. Add to that some iconic one liners, "assumption is the mother of all fuck ups" / "Who the fuck is Casey Fucking Ryback!?" and you've got yourself some big budget action bullshit of the highest magnitude. Lap it up.

Adventures Of The Chubby Rapper

Given that the original xXx made about $280 million at the worldwide box office it came as a bit of a surprise that Sony Pictures wanted to ,pursue a sequel. But pursue they did, this time without the director/star combo of Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. At first glance their replacements, Lee Tamahori and Ice Cube, seemed like second rate choices. After all, Tamahori had just directed Die Another Day, the worst Bond movie since A View To A Kill and Ice Cube was a B-list actor, not to mention a chubby rapper. It came as a bit of a shock then that the sequel, xXx - State Of The Union (or xXx2 - The Next Level to give its international title) was a vast improvement over the original.

The first xXx movie wanted to be Bond so bad you could taste it on every frame of film. xXx, right from the start, realises it's never going to compete and so relishes the chance to revel in it's own identity; that of an ultra bullshit Spyz In Da Hood action flick. Minimal plot, amped up anti-authoritarian attitude, loud hip hop, a bullshit but fantastic Marco Beltramio score, ultra glossy photography, unbelievable gadgets, zero character depth, and huge expensive action sequences every few minutes...all better paced, choreographed and directed that the first film.

There's glamor in the shape of Nona Gaye (urgh!) and Sunny Mabrey (yummy!), Willem Defoe once again goes on bad guy duties (so reliable in Speed 2 and Spider-man), Scott Speedman blandly chases Ice Cube around in the familiar story of "good guys being set up and having to clear their name while law enforcer discovers their innocence and teams up with them to bring down the true villain" and Sam Jackson is back for more glaring and snappy one-liners ("I told you to shoot the bitch!")

Best of all is star Ice Cube as the new xXx. He might be a little out of shape, but he's got more 'fuck you' attitude and raw charisma than (the normally good) Vin Diesel displayed first time around. xXx2 might be the dumbest, most expensive blockbuster since forever, but at least it knows what it is and positively celebrates its dumbness.

Titan Puncher - A Greek God With A Particular Set Of Skills

Wrath Of The Titans, the direct sequel to the 2010 remake of Clash Of The Titans is a bit of a mixed bags of treasures when compared to its predecessor. Some elements are reliably the same; the script is dire, the dialogue weak and simplistic, the production design impressive, the tone gritty and the effects for the most part are pretty stunning. From then on it's a case of swings and roundabouts.

On the upside, star Sam Worthington is allowed to be himself a little more with a gruffer warrior persona, a rougher round the edges, shaggier look, a welcome twinkle in the eye and most thankfully a notable lack of effort to hide the Australian accent. I stand by my opinion that Worthington is not A-list leading man material but the decision to let Worthington be Worthington at least allows for a more badass hero. Director Jonathan (Battle Los Angeles) Liebesman delivers a more raw and rugged film with more hand held camera work injected into proceedings. This allows for a more realistic and immediate feeling fantasy film rather than the blander style which accompanied the bulk of the first film. Toby Kebbell, the lovely Rosamund Pike and a hilarious Bill Nighy (recalling Oliver Reed's fine work in The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen) make up for the loss of the larger ensemble in Clash, while Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes and Danny Huston get more time in the plot to deliver their particular brand of gravitas than last time around.

The script, while shallow and predictable, is at least more streamlined this time round, with a greater emphasis on the weight of events on Neeson and Worthington. There's also a stronger Shakespearean subtext to the script about the importance of family, especially father/son bonds as shown between Zeus and his sons Ares and Perseus and Perseus and his son Helius, which adds a further emphasis on character. The stripped down story (no fannying around in throne rooms here) means there's less time put aside for terrible dialogue and more time for scrapping with monsters and baddies. Talking of which, the action is much more effective than in Clash. Liebesman's camera work gives the action a much needed edginess and he's wise enough not to over cut the frenetic fighting sequences, with an early confrontation with a Chimera being particularly well handled.

Of course there's a negative side to all this. The grittier, more dour design and photography ethic make Wrath look very cheap looking, despite the massive $150 million budget. Kebbell and Nighy aside, Wrath is remarkably humourless and the story as a whole is completely lacking in tension being a predictable A to B to C quest plot.

Viewed with the right mindset (this is a big budget bullshit action movie, plain and simple) Wrath is throughly enjoyable fluff. Big on spectacle and stuffed with action, this feels like what Ghost Rider 2 is to the first Ghost Rider...just without the 99 tons of crazy. If you plan on seeing Wrath Of The Titans, please remember to remove your brain at the kiosk stand to ensur a fun time, otherwise avoid.

Invasion Of The Substitute Teacher Snatchers

It's always great to return to a film you had a good time with, many years after you last saw it, and be blown away by just how great it is. So it is with Robert Rodriquez's The Faculty, a school set reworking of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers as mind controlling parasites take control of a Ohio High School's teaching faculty, swiftly followed by the students.

Several things immediately stand out when rewatching the movie. Rodriguez's direction is fantastically slick and ungimmicky when not dwelling in his usual arena of kiddy flicks and exploitation action movies, the cast is beyond impressive being a who's who of TV and cinema talent ranging from Laura (Dead Like Me) Harris, Josh (Black Hawk Down) Hartnett, Jordana (Fast & Furious) Brewster, Clea (Identity) DuVall and Elijah (Lord Of The Rings) Wood...and that's just the kids!

But it's the script by Kevin Williamson that really impresses. It's not just the way he weaves post-modern references of alien invasion in pop culture like Robert Heinlein's The Puppet Masters, The Thing and Invasion Of The Body Snatchers. There's the Breakfast Club ensemble of teens who work out their issues during the crisis, there's the escapism of having pupils fight the authority figures of the teaching staff, and the effortless way the separate strands of the massive ensemble gradually team up (whether it's the teachers or the kids) before the two groups openly go head to head with the fate of the world at hand. Each of the brilliantly cast teens is made even more relatable by making them isolated loners whether it's the new girl, the lesbian/goth, the nerd, the bitch, etc. It's a fantastically structured movie that's focused on character while weaving it's familiar alien possession narrative that's made all the more engrossing with some top notch effects and plot twists.

Sod off Scream franchise, The Faculty rules.

X Marks The Slut

Poor Sony Pictures. When legal action prevented them from getting hold of distribution rights to Eon Production's long running and highly successful James Bond franchise back in the nineties they endeavored to forge their own globetrotting spy franchise in 2002 with xXx. Sony's twist on the spy genre concept was to have the inverse of Bond, so instead of a high class government trainer agent you got an streetwise, rebellious, anti-authority type who could infiltrate all those scuzzy down and dirty organisations the tuxedo wearing Bond could not.

Hiring the lava hot double act of director Rob Cohen and star Vin Diesel (fresh off of mega hit The Fast And The Furious) Sony pooped out a stunningly average action flick that seldom competed with the franchise they hoped to compete with. There's nothing particularly bad about xXx but there's little that's exceptional either. Rob Cohen is a hack, plain and simple, and what visual flair he has seems forced rather than a natural outcome of the storytelling. Vin Diesel too feels like he's coasting through proceedings, with his character lacking the super charged levels of 'fuck you' the xXx premise promised. Also, for a grand scale action flick most of the set pieces fall flat, despite some impressive stunt work on display.

But there are glimmers of genius. The rock soundtrack (including Rammstein, Queens Of The Stone Age and Drowning Pool) amps up the attitude, composer Randy Edelman delivers a strong spy moteif to accompany the heroics, Sam Jackson struts his stuff as NSA boss Gibbons and the final boat/car chase to defuse the end-of-the-world-Armageddon-device is the one action sequence that truly delivers in terms of thrills, pacing, stunts, emotion and gadgets. Best of all is leading lady Asia Argento whose performance as undercover Russian agent is perhaps the very essence and definition of the word slut. You many not take much away from the limp xXx, but the sultry sluttiness of Argento's Eastern European vixen is certainly one of them.

Not Over The (Jonah) Hill

The current trend in R-rated comedies has been a bit hit and miss off late with Bridemaids and The Change Up hitting the mark while Horrible Bosses, The Hangover Part II and Bad Teacher misfired or left the audience writhing in mirth free agony. As such, my expectations for Jonah Hill vehicle The Sitter were not particularly high. Thankfully, director David Gordon Green has managed to overcome the blip that was 2011's Your Highness and regain his Pineapple Express vibe.

The Sitter is the familiar tale of Babysitting gone awry, with good natured bur selfish slacker Jonah Hill babysitting for his neighbours three kids while his single mum goes off on a date. In true Hollywood tradition he inadvertently manages to sort out both his and the troublesome kids issues out while dealing with a variety of issues from sharting to ripping off drug dealers....and there's a very mild rom-com element courtesy of the dead-eyed but pretty Kylie Bunbury.

What matters most off all is that The Sitter is often very funny. Crude, irreverent and also a touch quirky (you've gotta love Sam Rockwell's ultra gay drug den) with a laid back but engaging turn from Jonah Hill who seems to have this smart, streetwise guy in a fat nerds body down pat if his recent Oscar nomination is anything to go by.
A pleasant and welcome surprise.

King Corman

Roger Corman is a legend in the film making community. Not necessarily because of the quality of films he's written, produced and directed over the years, but more because of the infamy of his ultra-low-budget output, the sheer volume of his exploitational product and the admirable length of his career. The documentary Corman's World - Exploits of a Hollywood Rebel explores Corman's life in movies from the early days through the fifties, sixties and seventies with insightful interviews from the man himself and his wife (also his writing and producing partner) Julie.

What's perhaps more impressive than his movies is that of the career opportunities his production outfits have supported and kick started over the decades. Ron Howard, Martin Scorsese, Peter Bogdanovich, Joe Dante, Jonathan Demme are on hand to recall the stories of their first directing gigs under Corman's nurturing gaze not to mention Jack Nicholson, Dick Miller, Robert De Niro, Peter Fonda and William Shatner who got a big break under Corman's watch.

Add to that the likes of exploitation hounds Quentin Tarantino, Eli Roth, Paul WS Anderson and Gale Ann Hurd in recent or archive interview footage and you've got a fun 90 minute biography into one of Hollywood's biggest mavericks.