The Pants-Meet-Shit Project

Paranormal Activity is a superb addition to the craze for first person POV horror/thrillers, joining REC, Cloverfield and The Blair Witch Project. Like those movies, the footage from the 'found' hand held cameras allows the audience to participate as if they were actually there. There's no 'obvious' movie trickery like scripting, framing, lighting or editing that breaks the illusion that this freaky haunting is really happening. Of course it IS all staged but the illusion is maintained throughout...even to the point of having no main or end credits to the film.

It's reminiscent (and frankly, nearly as good as) Robert Wise's The Haunting, The Exorcist and Candyman in the supernatural horror department. Like those movies it makes you believe in the reality of the situation, gradually introduces a terrifying elemeny over which the protagonists have very little control and asks you, "what would you do?". The two inhabitants of the haunted house react just as you or I would; both scared, but one wanting to investigate and resist, the other preferring to be submissive and get advice. Their actions would be our actions, avoiding many horror characters cliche's...they turn the lights on, they consider running for it, they get help. Plus the fact it's set in a modern suburban house, of which most people can identify with further makes this all too close to home.

The tone is unsettling throughout, building as the disturbance grow in frequency and intensity. The ending, re shoot at the suggestion of one S. Spielberg gives the story the dramatic umph it need after 75 minutes of sphincter puckering. An excellent, excellent movie that is a rare thing; a scary horror movie. A Poltergeist for the webcam generation, this will be the movie that wives, mothers and girlfriends will refuse to watch for generations to come.

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Not.

Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow are two writer/directors who produce stories of friendship and love. While Smith has never broken into the mainstream, Apatow has broken through with the great comedies The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. He follows this up with Funny People, set in the world of stand-up comedy. And like his, and Smith's, other work it mixes recognisable, down-to-earth drama with outrageoud, lewd humour.

Unfortunately Funny People isn't that funny. It's a comedy/drama with the emphasis on the drama. At over 2 hours, it's way too long and seems to ramble endlessly. The dick and fart gags are present, but Apatow is too busy trying to create a naturalistic onscreen atmosphere that it sacrafices comic timing for realism. Worst of though is the premise; lead Adam Sandler spend the entire movie pondering disease, death, loneliness, cheating and breaking up marraiges. Perhaps if it wasn't so intent on coming across as realistic, another director could have let the humour breath. As it stands, you feel awkward and depressed from all the heavy shit going down to want to laugh at the dick gags.

On the plus side Adam Sandler shows he really can act while Eric Bana, unrestrained in his natural Ozzie accent shows what a charismatic bloke he can be, if allowed.
I'm never been a fan of Sandler movies, especially the high concept crap of the late 90's, early naughties (50 First Dates good, Longest Yard awful) but Funny People does make me long for the wacky crap of Little Nicky.

Disposal Of The Proposal

Take the Universal Romcom Playbook and mix it with the plot of Meet The Parents and you have The Proposal, the latest hit romantic comedy from Sandra Bullock. Bullock plays uptight, bitch, Canadian editor Margaret who will be forcefully departed unless she blackmails her assistant, every(American)man Ryan Reynolds in to marrying her. Thus, he take her home to Alaska to 'meet the parents' to live their deception.

Bullock is great. Reynolds is great. Steenburgen and Craig T are also great, as is Betty White. All great. But the script is a little too familar, the direction slick but flat and the script lacking in the amazing situations and dialogue that made the Fockers movies so memorable. Given a cast this talented (Bullock and Reynold make for a strong sparring couple), this whole endevor seems like a wasted opportunity.

Zombie Rape 90210

Deadgirl is a low budget 'indie' horror about two high school lads who discover a beautiful, chained up woman in the basement of a, you guessed it, abandonded mental hospital. After discovering she cannot die (yep, she's an yet-to-be-decomposed zombie) they decide to keep her for their own deviant sexual purposes. One lad thinks this is a good idea, the other does not.

Given the above premise, you'd have thought someone, at some point, would call the police, a doctor, a scientist...someone. But alas, all the teens in this particular town are sick, horny, zombie nailin' kids. The cast are uniformly weak, with the lead, Shiloh Fernandez looking like Joaquin Phoenix with all the talent removed. It's trying to make a point about how males look down upon the female gender , but it's just not interesting enought to care about the subtext its presenting.

Still, sick as this may be, it wouldn't half liven up the Twilight saga if zombie prostitution was added to that franchises mythology. Just a thought.

Escape From District B-13

If you've seen the first District B-13 movie, then you can expect more of the same from this fantastic sequel (Escape from New York, in Paris, with free-running). In District 13 Ultimatum, the corrupt secret service are trying to manipulate the French President into destroying slumsville B-13 and it's up to returning heroes, Cyril Rafaelli and David Belle to kick serious amounts of ass and run up and down buildings a lot...which they do admirably.

The sequel's glossier, a little sillier but just as fun and furious in the action department. The set pieces are well structured and the editor has enough sense to stand back and let the miracles of martial arts and acrobatics speak for themselves, without MTV induced epilepsy being inflicted on its audience.

The French are presently taking over the world in the hardcore horror department, and along with Luc Besson, they're cornering the market in classy but trashy adult action movies too. Long live France.

The 2009 Alien Homage Award Goes To...

Movie makers are struggling to to do futuristic monster movies these days, and not have their production come off as an Alien retread. Paul WS Anderson's done it once with Event Horizon, so it's a surprise he come back for seconds (as a producer) with Pandorum. Set in the far future where Earth's natural resources have all but depleted, a giant spaceship is sent on a 126 year voyage to reseed humanity on another habitable planet. Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster are two members of one of the flight crews who awake from hibernation to discover the ship in danger and the mission jepardy.

Once you get past the generic, dark spaceship corridors, Pandorum is less reminisant of Alien than it is of The Descent, The Warriors and even jap-horror A Tale of Two Sisters. Like The Warriors it's bit like a western as the hero (Foster), tries to get through enemy territory to civilization (er, the ships reactor). Meanwhile, awaiting rescue, Quaid has to deal with psychological horror issues.

Both Quaid and Foster are excellent, which can't be said for the wooden supporting cast (Antje Traue does a Carole Bouquet in For Your Eyes Only...beautiful but dead behind the eyes). The script, while offering virtually nothing in the character building department is very well paced and does provide some welcome twists and turns come the finale. Unfortunately director Christian Alvert drops the ball; the movies is suitably glossy but he's pointed the camera at stuff without much consideration for building scares, tension or exciting action. Still, it's not enough to spoil an entertaining sci-fi flick.

International Lunatics Animation Society

When I heard there was going to be a co-production between visionary directors Timur Bekmambetov (of Daywatch/Nightwatch fame) and Tim Burton (he of Edward Scissorhands), I expected a off-beat visual feat at the very minimum. Fortunately, "9" directed by Shane Acker stays true to that promise, and delivers more. Set in a post-apocalyptic future where mankind has been eradicated by it's own means, and all that survives are nine robotic dolls. As hero doll 9, voiced by Elijah Wood, enters this world he unravels the dolls history along with the robot menace that cause the apocalypse.

Although an animated film, this is a little too dark for young kids. The world itself is very bleak, the direction very visual with the dialogue kept to a bare minimum...and loads of the dolls end up dying painfully on screen. The production is beautifully designed with a grim 1940's retro-future thing going on that recalls some War of the Worlds illustrations or even The Mutant Chronicles. The screen play explores tensions in the world between church and science, intelligence and instinct as well as the pull between fear and courage...all of which 9 and his chums are forced to choose between.

The screenplay is solid but a little unoriginal (it's an uninspired quest movie) and there's little depth in the characters (this is supposed to be for adults, right?). Still it's a refreshingly nightmarish piece of animation compared with all the kids friendly, Horton-Hears-An-Ice-Age-Ant-Bully dross that fills are movie theatres. Perhaps we should get another team up for the sequel; Takashi Miike and Alexander Aja anyone?

Porn That Makes Me Cluster Spooge (Laughing, That Is)

If you haven't seen the web series PG Porn, check it out as soon as you can. It's the brainchild of James Gunn (the mastermind behind Slither) and each episode pairs a recognizable actor with a porn actress.

As the blurb says, "For those that love ewverything about porn...except the sex".

The first one, starring Nathan Fillion (who should be in everything) is still the best.

TV Round Up - November 2009

Of the new shows that made their debut in the last couple of months, the quality so far is solid:-

V
This is a remake of the 80's mini series which had Independence Day style flying saucers visit Earth. The occupants claimed to come in peace but they were secretly evil Lizards in disguise, harvesting humans for food. The premise is nearly identical, although the order in which the story is revealed and the introduction of new characters dynamics has shaken things up a bit. At this point, just a few episodes in the pace seems sluggish and the cast a little non-discript. At least there's the boing factor of Morena Bacarrin, as alien leader Anna, to ensure this is vital viewing, for now at least.

Flashforward
Like V, this is another new show with a great premise that is let down by slow pacing and uninspired casting. I think for both shows, the writing is letting them down. This one is the brainchild of Brana Braga (He who created the frustrating time paradox episodes of the Star Trek spin-off shows) and his signature stiffness is present in Flashforward's characters. This is this years Lost wannabe, with an ensemble cast and a slowly unraveling mystery. While the plot is still intriguing, it doesn't have an ounce of the class off JJ Abram's hit show. There is promise here, at least.

The Cleveland Show
The second spin off from Family Guy is the best new show of the season. It's not as formally structured as American Dad, choosing the more surreal path of it's parent show. The new depth they've given to Cleveland himself is wise (his prudish nature and anger management issues) and the supporting characters are mostly genius. Seth McFarlane's contribution as Tim, the born-again, Russian bear (apparantly a really bad Steve Martin impression)is the stand out new cast member, along with hip man-child Rollo. This one should run and run.

Stargate Universe
Although I'm fond of the original Roland Emmerich movie, I've never watched a Stargate TV series before...for 3 reasons. The quality of the writing looked cheesey. The quality of the production looked cheap. But mostly because they featured Richard Dean Anderson...a man whose arrogant swagger was not only misjudged but completely off-putting.

This second spin off works so far for a couple of reasons.
1/ It's set on a giant bloody space ship (they got me at space ship...hey, what can I say, I'm a space ship geek-whore).
2/ It stars Robert Carlyle (Begbie himself) as an untrustworthy scientist. Like Patrick Stewart in The Next Generation, this raises the game of the whole cast.
3/ The writing is sqewed towards character rather than silly sci-fi monsters and so the integrity of the universe the writers have created is intact, for now.
4/ The production values are strong, with big sets and moody photography each week.
5/ The premise is great being what Star Trek Voyager should have been, but wasn't. A survival show of people, who don't get along, trying to get home. The science/rules of the show are well thought out and it's cool seeing the writers explore the parameters.

It's obviously wanting to be Battlestar Galactica, but it'll never have the pedigree to pull it off. Still this is good entertainment, made all the more surprising that it's a Stargate show.

Please Don't Lock Me Up With Jebus...

Well, it could have been a complete disaster, but the 6 part, US remake of classic 60's show The Prisoner doesn't embarress itself. It starts off in a similar manner with the series lead, now an impossibly bland Jim Cavizel instead of the magnetic Patrick McGoohan, who resigns from a mysterious high powered job and then wakes up in The Village, which is in an unspecified location and, from which, there is no escape. As before everybody has a number, not a name, and the village is run by Number Two, played by a charismatic Ian McKellan.

The Village is now in a desert setting, and along with some retro 50's production design, the environment seems appropriately odd. Filmed in South Africa, it's stuffed with Brit actors who give solid support including the cute Ruth Wilson and the gorgeous Hayley Atwell.

Story wise, this is still subtext ridden stuff, layered with meaning. It's not as obtuse as the original though, choosing to give more solid answers to certain issues (like who Number Six works for), where the original gave nothing away. It's a shame the male lead wasn't cast with someone that, dare I say, could act. Cavizel makes understatement a profession and his lack of range sticks out like a sore thumb when pitted against the master McKellan. It's nearly as bad as casting Whalberg as a heroic leader of monkeys in the Planet of the Apes remake...but not quite.

Slasher: The Musical

Stan Helsing is the descendent of famed monster killer, Van Helsing. On his way to a Halloween party with his teen buddies, Stan encouters "comical" versions of Chucky, Michael Myers, Freddy Kruger, Pinhead and Jason Vorhees.

Note to the producers:-

Any movie featuring a song and dance number with movie slasher monsters performing a Village People number...it is not funny. If that's the best you've got, better to give the production money to the Uwe Boll Assassination Fund.

NOT The London Olympics Disaster Movie

2012 is the forth disaster movie from German hack Roland Emmerich. Where his first three movies featured massive destruction caused by aliens, a giant monster and global warming, this time he's gone all out and opted for the total destruction of humanity by, er, solar flares. This new destructofest features all the regular pros and cons of his previous efforts...it's simply a question of how this compares to the others. Independence day is rousing bullshit (thats a good thing) and it's fast, funny and very, very fun. The Day After Tomorrow leaves me indifferent while Godzilla is practically unwatchable.

Well, 2012 is second best. The premise is a killer and, unlike The Day After Tomorrow where bad things happen and the world just sits and watches, hope of survival is provided with a crazy, sci-fi, Noahs Ark solution. He's hired some top notch actors including Chiwetel Ejiofor, Amanda Peet, Oliver Platt, Thandie Newton and Danny Glover. John Cusack and Woody Harrelson (actor of the year after this and Zombieland, no?) flex their imagination by acting outside of the box.

As usual with an Emmerich flick, the visual effects are incredible. The level of detail in the effects sequences are simply mind-blowing. Even if you hate the movie itself, a blue ray purchase will be essential to rewatch the earthquake scenes in slow motion, again and again. If the Oscar Academy get turned off by the Avatar hype, then this is where I put my money for a Visual Effects Oscar win.

On the downside is the script. It's truly appaling. Co-writer Harald Kloser should stick to scoring movies (nope, scrub that, the musics bland too). It follows the A to Z of disaster movie screen-writing to the letter with no surprises to keep us in suspense. Even worse is the horrendous dialogue which is kept just about bareable thanks to the top drawer acting talent.

This is very enjoyable, preposterous sci-fi nonsense. It's just a damned shame that a better script and a little more fun couldn't have been injected into the mix. Still, at least it's not 10,000 BC.

How To Survive A Cannibal Uprising, The Liverpudlian Way

While the British film industry may not produce that may big budget blockbusters, it is able to compete in certain genres. Specifically corset dramas, gangster movies and Richard Curtis comedies. We also seem to building up a head of steam in the comedy/horror sub-genre with Dog Soldiers, Doghouse and Lesbian Vampire Killers (with the former being a modern day classic and the latter being an unholy abomination). The Cottage, starring Andy Serkis and Reece Shearsmith fall snuggly in the middle of those two extremes.

The Cottage follws the structure of From Dusk Til Dawn, starting with a kidnapping that doesn't go to plan. Instead of venturing into vampire territory (as Dusk does)the plot veers onto the land of Texas Chainsaw. The humour is all character based and brought to life by actors with a gift for comic timing and subtly amusing personality traits. The horror, while never scary is at least gory. And, most memorably, when your not distracted by Jennifer Ellison's boobies, you're amused and appalled by the torrent of filth pouring from the Liverpudlian lasses gob.

Just when you thought it was the American mid-west you should avoid (in case of encountering deformed cannibals)...you find the little bugger's practically on your doorstep. Welcome to Britain.

Sorry, I Don't Speak Jive (But I Wish I Could)

Movies are in development for so long from script to production to marketing...all the way through to release, that it's almost impossible for an interested party (such as myself) not to see a great movie coming months before it hits cinemas. The Dark Knight, Lord of the Rings, Gladiator... you could see those babies coming from a mile away. So it's always refreshing when a bloody good movie creeps up on you with little or no warning. There's been a couple this year in Martyrs and Moon...and hopefully Paranormal Activity in a couple of weeks (providing it delivers on its promise, of couse). You can add Black Dynamite to that list of 2009 sleeper classics.

Black Dynamite is a contemporary reworking of a classic blacksploitation movies from the early 70's. When Rodriquez and Tarantino did their Grindhouse flicks a couple of years ago they should have included a trailer for this little gem, because it's more genuinely grindhouse than Planet Terror or Death Proof achieved. 85% of Black Dynamite takes itself deadly, deadly seriously while the other 15% topples over into nudge nudge wink wink spoof teritory. It really captures the photography, editing, split screen techniques, directorial style of the Shaft/Foxy Cleopatra type movies. The score is overblown, the performances overcooked, the plot ludicrus, the women love slaves to their pimp daddies...and the microboom mic is always creeping into shot.

Add some brilliant dialogue, a heroic central performance from Michael Jai White as the title character and some bizarre animation thrown into the mix...this is a joy from before the opening titles to the end credits.

THE coolist movie of the year.

Last Of The Summer Wine Goes To Hollywood

The Maiden Heist is essentially an American twist on the long running British situation comedy, Last of the Summer Wine. Take three men of advancing years, and get them into a comedic caper beyond their capabilities. Dreamer Christopher Walken, effeminate Morgan Freeman and narssistic William H Macy are security guards at the city art gallery. When the exhibits they are obssessed with are to be transfered to a collector in Denmark, they decide to obtain the art pieces for themselves. Hilarity ensures...well not quite...

This is a very slight drama and gentle comedy. Harmless is the most appropriate term. The dramatics are never at explosive, the humour and cosy slapstick never laugh out loud funny. And the heist is not that ingenious or the resolution of the caper worthy of generating much dramatic tension. Still the actors get to demonstrate what they're really, really good at, especially Marcia Gay Harden who proves to be a mega-talent in the character acting department yet again.

Harmless.

Woop Woop, I'm In The Loop!

I've never watch BBC television satirical comedy In The Thick Of It, now in it's third year, but I want to now. I've been a fan of political satire from the early days of Spitting Image and Yes Minister, right through to The Daily Show and Mock The Week. But In The Loop, the spin off movie of In The Thick Of It has just taunted me in the face with what I've been missing recently.

It's an inside look at the inner workings of the highest levels of Government in the UK...and if this is what it's really like ...God help us. Witty, amusing, intelligent, topical, subtle...it's fly on the wall style makes you feel this is only one step away from reality.

Despite the intelectual pedigree of the series (Armandi Iannucchi is the director)the major laughs come from savage Prime Ministerial aid, Peter Capaldi as the visciously profanity spewing troubleshooter. British comedy has a fine tradition of hilarious anti-heroes with a contemp of all other human beings, and Capaldi's Malcolm Tucker is the latest complete git to revere.

I shall now get me some series boxsets to enjoy Capaldi's mother-Tucker some more.

Zen Zhan Vs Olyphantastic

Twist movies are great. Just look at the potentcy of Fight Club and The Shawshank Redemption when you don't see that cleverly concealed twist in the plot coming at you. They change the way you look at all that has gone before in the story, practically demanding a second viewing.

The thing is, if you ARE aware there's a twist...then you start looking for it. You start calculating the probability of certain outcomes, based on the information being fed you in the early part of the story, and make an educated guess as to what the twist will be. Problem is, if you DO unravel the surprise, you've spoilt the enertainment level of the movie for yourself, to some degree. The Sixth Sense was like this for me. I'd sussed the ending about halfway through. And although I can appreciate that masterclass of storytelling that it undoubtedly is, I'll never get that profound WOW-factor of those that discover a great movie twist for the first time.

A Perfect Getaway is a well written, directed and acted thriller with a whodunnit structure. If you enjoy a taut, adult drama...with a little action thrown into the mix, you'll love this. Thing is, I saw the twist coming within the first 10 minutes, and it took the wow out of a film which needs its surprise to deliver properly.

Foxy Satanic Sluttiness

Indications were that Fox would sink Jennifer's Body. Not just the inept studio that interferes with most of its productions into bland, crowd pleasing pulp...but the limitations of bimbo Transformers actress Megan Fox, as well.

Fortunately, the hype is right...especially when it focuses on the follow up script to Juno, Diablo Cody's Oscar winning previous effort. It's Cody's script, not the direction from Aeon Flux's Karyn Kusama that makes this so enjoyable. It's daft, it's got cheerleaders, demons, hip teen-speak, cool actors (JK Simmonds / Lance Henrikson) and a conflicted teen heroine (a great Amanda Seyfried). It's a dark and twisted Buffy-style movie...and that my friends is very good indeed.

And Megan Fox? Well, she's called upon to be gorgeous (even when bloodsoaked, possessed by evil and eating boys) bitchy and vacuous. So no a stretch for our dear Megan then.

Axel Does The Okey Dokey Dance

Beverly Hills Cop 3 is definitely the bastard lovechild of Eddie Murphy's stellar franchise. So why is it so hated? And why do I like it so?

The answer to both questions is 'John Landis', the director of BHC3 as well as Murphy collabrator on classics Coming To America and Trading Places. Thing is, the Beverly Hills Cop movies are basically straight cop thrillers with some amusing banter thrown into the mix. They're modern action thrillers with a contemorary music video sheen (especially after the zazzle of Tony Scott's first sequel).

It's this loss of the MTV vibe which makes it so unappealing to so many. The plot is as predictable and stale as you can possibly imagine and it just isn't Landis's style to edit his footage or film his action with any sense of urgency.

BUT, what you do get is the Landis trademark goofiness. Loony Tunesesque mascot costumes, exaggerated slapstick, pratfalls, comedy turns to camera and surreal musical moments...all of which make this very watchable indeed. It may fail as a thriller. It mostly sucks as an action film. And it barely counts as a Beverly Hills Cop movie. But is is a frequently amusing comedy. This is still better than 90% of the movies Murphy has starred in in the last 10 years.

Zombie Zack Attack

Unless the original movie wasn't a complete success...and by that I mean artistic, not comercial...it could be argued that remakes shouldn't be attempted. For the most part, they're bad. Look at Michael Bay's production company Platinum Dunes. Friday the 13th, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hitcher...all reimaginings that crap over the original. Only The Amityville Horror gets a pass from that outfit. Can't studios let kids rediscover the original classics?

Then again, when there's remakes as stunningly effective as Zack Snyder's Dawn of the Dead...maybe there's hope for the remake community after all. Snyder keeps the basic premise of Romero's legendary original, drops some social commentary and rapidly picks up the pace. Great characters, situations, music (gotta love Richard Cheese's version of Down with the Sickness) all delivered with style and confidence you'd expect from the helmer of 300 and Watchmen.

Great ending too. If you've never watched the footage through to the conclusion of the end credits...it features a finale not quite as uplifting as you've previously experienced with this movie.

Alien Drug Dealer Vs Swedish Tree Trunk

If you want to get to the very heart of what a truly great, dumb action-bullshit movie is (of the type that existed primarily in the late 80's and early 90's) look no further than Dark Angek aka, I Come In Peace. It features Dolph Ludgren (why does his costumes and hair always look so borderline camp in these early 90's films?) as a rule-breaking, tough cop, out to catch an alien drug-dealer who peddles in brain juice instead of weed or crack.

Key to the intense bullshit levels is director Craig R Baxley...better known as 2nd unit director on The A-Team TV series and on Predator. Yep, if you want a close-up tyre shot in a car chase or a bloke flying over you in slow motion, as he's blown up by a handy grenade...Craig's your man.

Like most action movie's of this period, the pace is a bit slow compared with todays standards, there's the obligatory girlfriend on the police department the hero's fallen out with and the loyal sidekick for comic relief. And smoke machines. Lots of smoke machines (the famous smog which blighted L.A. at this time must surely have been cause by their overuse).

Dumb but fun, Dark Angel is memorable for the alien's unique weapon; he fires CD's at his prey. What would the poor bugger do in the digital download age?

Die Today, Not Another Day

Pierce Brosnan's final James Bond adventure, Die Another Day, has both positive and negative points.

On the positive side:-
1/ The sword fight between Toby Stephens and Brosnan, is fast, frenzied, well chreographed and exciting.
2/ Since this is the 20th official Bond movie from EON productions, the references to other adventures are fun to spot.
3/ Bond's incarceration in a North Korean prison is bold movie by the script-writers, giving a unique motivation for the MI6 investigation this time round.
4/ Although much hated, the Madonna theme song is great (much, much, much better than either the Shertl Crow or Garbage efforts that tarnished Brosnan's previous outings).
5/ Rosamund Pike is a spectacular english-rose-with-an-impossibly-sexy-english-accent beauty.
6/ Toby Stephen's is a suitably smarmy and memorable bad guy (initially).

On the negative (are you sitting comfortably):-
1/ This features some of THE worst CGI special effects to see the light of day..especially in a mega-budget production like this. What on earth possessed producers to drop the reliance on physical stunts, which has become the franchises trademnark, and fall back on cheap and obvious pixel power? Bond parachute-surfing the iceflow is THE worst moment in the whole Bond series.
2/ Madonna is a shit actress and should not be allowed near celluloid.
3/ Once Toby Stephens is revealed to be baddie General Moon in disguise, the character's integrity crumbles along with Stephen's inadequete acting ability.
4/ While Bond films have always swung back and forth between the serious and the more fantastical...the science on display here is absurb...destroying the credibiliy of the Brosnan films. The invisible car is utter w~*k.
5/ For the first (and only) time in the Bond franchise, terrible sped-up editing techniques are used, along with the irritating process known as the "Avid Fart".
It's meant to look cool. It does not.
6/ Most of the movie is shot with an over-colourful, comic strip vibe. This is Bond...not Batman & Robin. No, no, no.
7/ There's a moment that occurs in any long running series with the same actor (Indy, Lethal Weapon, Die Hard) where hero appears and is revealed to be getting a little long in the tooth. Of course, the resulting performance is usually reliably convincing (unless it's Roger in Octopussy). But that moment arrived for Brosnan right here.
8/ The clever mistrust in the script, that follows Bond's release from captivity, is completely lost after the first half an hour. What a waste.
9/ Why is Halle Berry still making movies? She was sexy in her youth (oh, and in Swordfish). But she can't act, regardless of what the Oscar Academy says. She's terrible in most things, interchangable in The X-men films and irritating in this.

While it's competantely shot and glossily produced, this is pretty awful. No wonder EON productions went in the opposite direction when it came to their Casino Royale reboot. Thank god.

Back To Feast On Sloppy Seconds

With the same writing and directing team back for this direct to DVD sequel, Feast 2 - Sloppy Seconds picks up mere hours after the first horror flick ended. Back for the sequel are Honey Pie (a waitress with Hollywood ambitions), Biker Queen (conveniently the twin sister of slaughtered Harley Mom from the first) looking for revenge, and Bartender. They all converge on the small town just up the road from the now destroyed Bar where we meet a new group of weirdos; wrestler midget brothers, leather clad biker chicks and a car dealership love triangle.

The story's a bit scattershot this time and not as focused as the siege format. Also, it takes place in the daylight with no attempt to hide the man-in-a-suit rubber monster make-up....so cheese is high up on the menu. Still, taking itself seriously has completely left the building in this follow up...along with good taste. Once you've experience monster farts, decomposing grannies, monster puke, shooting doggies, monster jizz and creatures fucking cats...you know that the helpless infant child has absolutely no chance of being rescued successfully.

Still its well produced at quite entertaining. Why? Cause you don't get many movies feature midgets being catapulted, that's why.

Not Even A Slight Fright, This Night

As a kid, teenager and young adult I never really liked vampire movies. The image of the vampire never captured my imagination. It never seemed exciting. Vampires, as a fictional creation never seemed to fit conviningly into contemporary horror. They always seemed to me to be mired in cliche, either as corny Hammer creations hiding in coffins or romatically cloaked fiends with upper class or royal bloodlines.

1987's Near Dark was the first to portray a contemporary vampire lifestyle convincingly...but the genre still seemed glued to the past (Near Dark is a western) than something that aknowledged modern culture. It wasn't until Channel Four's six part series Ultraviolet that a modern vision of vampires living amoung us was unveiled. I was convinced. THIS is how vampires would live and interact with modern society. More good re-imagingings soon followed with Blade and Buffy. I was converted. I am now a fan of all things vampire.

So when I go back and look at the comedy horror of 1987's Fright Night, I chuckle at the posh coffin dweller, the crappy make up and the use of crosses to ward off the undead (like Eddie Izzard observed, if you make your fingers into a cross shape...will it ward off a vampire?!).

Still not funny. Not very scary. Not much fun. Mid 80's vampire bollocks. Oh and the hero is a twat.

Road Warrior Haulage Inc.

Mad Max 2 (or The Road Warrior as it's known in the USA) contains, arguably, the greatest road chase ever commited to celluloid. The film itself is a classic, daring to take the story and visuals way beyond the original movie, and create an original sub-genre; the post-apocalyptic western.

It adheres to the western genre rules pretty stringently. There's the man with no name (er, Max) who roams the wilderness ekeing out an existance as a gasoline scavenger. There's the small outpost of civilazation he ultimately helps out for moral reasons, but where he still doesn't belong. There's the bleak sun drenched wilderness inhabited by the ruthless savagery of primatives, who lay siege to civilization. Exchange horses for motor vehicles, America's past for Australia's future and native American Indians for testosarone fueled, leather clad gimp- punks...and you've got yourself a Mad Max sequel.

The world is beautifully presented in all it's glourious misery, efficiently directed by George Miller and enigmatically led by a brooding Mel Gibson. There are car chases a plenty in this...all of them stunning. But the climactic 20 minute chase of the Humungus's crew chasing down Max's oil rig always leaves you breathless. Sweeping helicopter shots, Brian May's (no, not the Queen guitarist) ear drum destroying score, suicidal stunts, twisted humour and a camera that's placed soooo very close to the road it feels like you're dragging along the asphalt right behind Max, it's impossible not to do cartwheels over this lil' beauty.

The best of the trilogy...soon to be quadrilogy...Tina Turner was right; we don't need another hero. So why exactly did we need Aunty Entity, hmmm Tina?

Backseat Driver Makes Bond Livelier

There's always been something missing in Bond movies, that despite the reputation, scale and frequency of action set-pieces in the franchise, I have been amazed has been missing for so many decades. Tension. Edge of your seat, white knuckle, goosebumbs on the back of your neck it's so exciting... thrills. Yep, Bond action is always fun, memorable and original. But exciting in a way that is genuinely exciting...never happened to me. That is until 1997 when I saw Pierce Brosnan's second James Bond 007 outing, Tomorrow Never Dies.

In the opening moments, Bond infiltrates a secret arms market to confirm the participants are terrorists, and a missile strike is called for to wipe them out. Bond reveals that nukes are present, which the inbound British missiles will trigger. From then on there is a genuine sense of tension in the air as Bond tries to move the nukes out of range while battling multiple terrorist foe. I'd always admired the inventiveness of the action, the gags, the size of the destruction, the cunningness of the super-spy and the structuring of the chaos. But all previous Bond films had failed to get me worked up about the action's outcome or had me glued to the screen as intently as this.

Why does the action work then? Well it's not directed with huge flare but rather skillfully edited footage(like George Cosmatos...Rambo II style). Dialogue is kept to a bare minimum letting the action flow and build.
David Arnold is introduced as the new guardian of the James Bond soundtrack score and he releases years of pent up 007 goodness in his brilliant John Barry-esque score. The soundtrack not only updates the Bond sound with a modern twist (there's some collaboration with The Propellorheads here) but it embraces the various melodies of the Bond theme and pushes them right up into the sound mix. When that theme is played, it's heroic and thrilling; you can't help but be ecstatic when that music is blasting in your lug holes (Daniel Craig Bond directors take note please...where IS that theme, hmmm?)

Director Roger Spottiswoode cuts out all the fannying around in the script, giving Bond his regular meetings with M, Moneypenny and Q, but while on the move. Donaldson gives the Bond series another first; contemporary photography. For years the Bond series was trying to compete with the Die Hards and Lethal Weapons of the world (just look how ancient Licence To Kill looks compared with Lethal Weapon 2, the same year)...and here it finally looks like a modern action flick rather than a decades old franchise, struggling to remain relevant...and mostly failing. The photography is stylised and noirish, with harsh lighting, smoke machines and neon coming out to play.

Brosnan finally settles into Bond's skin after a scrawny start in Goldeneye, while a hammy Jonathan Pryce delivers a triple ham sandwich, with a side order of ham, in his lead baddie role. The story's as you'd expect with a far fetched plot of a Media Mogul influencing world politicians...something Rupurt Murdoch is already doing with Fox News in the states and The Sun newspaper in the UK. The girls are gorgeous with the always desirable Teri Hatcher doing the bad girl bit with class and the cute and authoritative Michelle Yeoh doing something that ALL Bond girls claim to have done...but never achieve; kick ass as good as Bond.

And what about those action sequences? Some of the best ever, of course. From the pre-title fighter plane stuff, the Hamberg break-out, the epic Beijing motorbike/helicopter chase and the reinvented Bond villain lair shootout; all have a vividness that don't exist in Bond films...either before or (rarely) after. The stand out is the backseat driver set-piece as Bond escapes from the henchman's clutches with his remote control BMW trapped in a multi-storey. Loud reinvented theme, beautifully staged and structured action, minimum dialogue, exceptional editing all delivered, at long last, in packaging aimed at a contemorary audience.

Still exhilarating twelve years on, I walked out of the cinema in 1997 not believing what they'd dared to do; made Bond breath-taking. I'm not so worried that they hadn't done it before but I'm a little concerned they've rarely done it since.
The sword fight in Die Another Day, the boat chase in The World is Not Enough and the African free-running sequence in Casino Royale are the only three to have measured up. We're promised a new Bond in 2011. C'mon guys. Please try harder.

Serenity Didn't Damage My Calm

There's an small group of ever revolving movies in my DVD collection that are needed if no other movie, tv program, book or comic can satisfy my need for entertainment. When you spend ages looking through the video cabinet looking for something to watch, and nothing seems appealing at that very moment (too dumb / too inteligent / too whimsical / too gory) then a few movies always seem to hit the spot. Joss Whedon's Serenity, the movie spin-off from the cancelled science-fiction western TV show Firefly, is one such film.

The movie takes everything that was great about the TV show, keeps what was working perfectly, then improves upon everything else. So what made the TV show work? Primarily it's the perfect ensemble cast (perhaps only Robin of Sherwood could match a cast this size for quality) paired with the best characters and dialogue in the business. Yes Firefly was a action packed sci-fi adventure show...but that wasn't the main appeal. With these characters you could have them locked in a black room for an hour each week and it would still be the funniest, most entertaining thing you'd see.

Leading the bunch is everyman Nathan Fillian (a self confessed Harrison Ford wannabe). It's official; every movie should star Nathan Fillian. Funny, charismatic, complex...moral yet ruthless, Fillian's Mal Reynolds represents the Han Solo TV series you never got...only better. Best of all, his firefly captain is flawed and imperfect, and Fillian's not afraid to ridicule himself, given an opportunity. As usual, the rest of the cast is more than up to matching their leading man's wit, especially Adam Baldwin as Jayne, the tough, not always bright, plain speaking merc who's (usually) in it for himself.

One of the miracles of the movie is the complexity of the script, which is distilled down to a brisk, consise, two hour running time. Not only does it have the job of introducing all the regulars from the tv series, but the series backstory as well including the universe, the character's relationships, the politics and the story so far. Add to that a new plot which ties up the main plot line of the series while introducing a couple more characters to the mix, notably Chiwetal Ejiofor's cold assassain and David Krumholtz's super-hacker, Mr Universe. It's all held together by the wittiest dialogue that Whedon can muster. The script's layered with subtext with a discussion going on about a modernist vision of society (the Alliance's point of view...making people better) vs a post-modern society (Mal's fragmented and old-fashioned stance). Pity Whedon's visual vision isn't as strong as his script, but he's never poor enough to do a disservice to the story.

The other miracle of course is that the movie got released at all. Firefly was cancelled mid-season, and in the States not all of it's 15 episodes were transmitted. Thank Budda than for the army of Browncoats, loyal Firefly fans, that campaigned for the adventures of the Serenity crew to be resurrected on the big screen. Always good to spend some time in the Whedonverse.

I Love It When A (Cylon) Plan Comes Together

The Plan is a neat little addition to the now complete, reimagined Battlestar Galactica TV saga. Directed by series star Edward James Olmos, it's a facinating look at the conflict between Cylons and Humans, from the Cylons point of view...from two weeks before the invasion to a mid-point in the show's second season.

Of the seven regular Cylon models we see the war primarily from the viewpoint of 2 Cavil models...one gets staioned on Caprica while the other plans covert guerilla attacks on the Galactica herself, posing as her Preacher. For this standpoint we get to see how a genocidal war is pushed by its leader, how a people at war sees itself differently from it's opponant, and the dangers of becoming brainwashed by centuries of dogma rather than allowing yourself to thing freely about issues such as war, religion and love.

Dark, talky, and challenging; first rate Galactica...which was the most intelligent show on the box.

...Still Not Hungry

Thank you to Universal Picture for cleaning up the print of 1981 horror classic An American Werewolf in London, and then releasing it in movie theatres over Halloween.
I haven't seen this in many years, to the point where I couldn't remember specific moments. But the film still plays as effectively as it did all those years ago.

Of course, what writer/director John Landis is unmatched in achieving is that incredibly rare blend of horror and comedy. The humorous moments are either a few scattered classic Landis moments, relying on deadpan delivery and comic timing, or natural character banter as the leads ramble and joke to de-stress themselves from potential horrific events. Perhaps because the comic banter makes the characters more realistic, and easier to empathise with, the sudden bursts of graphic violence seem that much more startling.

After not having seen it for so long it's amazing how Landis has managed to capture British culture in the early '80's; there's a real north/south divide written into the script with the uncomplicated, straight-forward country folk of the north clashing with the plummy professional types of London. There's also the British Bobby who's disinterested in making an arrest and the stiff upper lip delivery of Agutter. Talking of stiff, actress Jenny Agutter was in her beautiful prime here, and Landis knows it, lighting her in soft focus at every opportunity.

Landis isn't afraid to push things in the shocks and homour departments. The shocks are spread out evenly and still create a jump. The werewolf transformations are only rivalled by The Thing effects one year later. The animal attacks are gorey and vicious (I forgot what a frenzied affair the Picadilly Circus finale was). Plus the comedy ventures into the surreal (David talking to his zombie mates in a porn theatre) and slapstick (Paul Kember's cop sidekick). In true Landis style he even manages to naturally include some musical moments using classic tunes with 'moon' in the title...alongside Elmer Bernstein's fantastic, old fashioned score.

This is still my favotite 'straight' horror film...if there is such a thing, without the genre muddiness of science fiction and broad comedy getting into the mix. And it still contains one of the freakiest moments in horror cinema; the werewolf approaches the escalator in the London Underground. Everytime I go to use London Tube, I'm still on my guard. Bad doggie.

The Shape Drew First Blood

Halloween, the 1978 slasher classic, is John Carpenter's most famous movie. Whether it's his best is debatable, but it's definately up there with The Thing, Assault on Precinct 13 and Escape From New York as THE Carpenter movie to take to the desert island with you. And since Halloween has rolled round again, it's the law that this groundbreaking horror be relived again this year.

After just raving about the magnificence of Carpenter's work in other blogs this month, I won't go on about it again here...except to quote frequent collaborator Kurt Russell who observes that "you only have to watch one of his movies for 30 seconds to determine it's a John Carpenter film"....and this is so very true here.

Two observations though. When I was growing up in the early 80's, the masked killer of the Halloween films was always refered to in the media as 'The Shape' and not the character's name, Michael Myers. It's how he's refered to in the end credits and this is very, very cool. Unfortunately, The Shape moniker has vanished leaving just the name. Shame because, even though it's not going to happen, a Freddy Vs Jason Vs The Shape movie would rock!!!

Disturbingly Halloween also reminds me of First Blood and the Rambo movies. In both cases, the movies are stripped down to basics with an escalating series of set-pieces leading to a final confrontation. I realised though that Donald Pleasence's Dr Sam Loomis has esentially the same role as Richard Crenna's Sam Trautman in Rambo. That is they both talk up the escaped killer to mythic proportions. With serious expression and expertly crafted lines of hyperbole they preach about the maniac's unstoppable nature. And good thing too as both are relentless masterpieces with a larger than life central character that's interwoven into pop culture forever.

The Quim Denture Massacre

Teeth is an oddity. It stars Jess Weixler as Dawn who discover that she has teeth in her vagina. As her sexual activeness grows, first unwillingly and later intentionally, Dawn realises the harm she can cause men.

This starts off as a unusual indie drama but strangely turns into a broadly comic farce when Dawn starts biting the cocks (and fingers) off boys, Doctors and stepbrothers. It's always entertaining and Weixler is a gifted actress, definetely one to keep an eye on, but the uneven tone suggests indecision on the directors part.

The story's a great metaphor for female puberty as Dawn goes from rejecting sexual actiity outright to the realization of how a woman's sexual power can be used to manipulate men. Still, as a male watching this film, nothing can prepare you for the sight of a bitten off penis. It took days for my balls to come out of hiding after witnessing this.

Agreeable Beast Feast

A few years back, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon ran a screenwriting competition to give opportunities to youngsters, just as others had given them a helping hand previously. The winners then got to produce their masterpiece, which in this case was 2005's Feast, a fun little monster movie.

It's low budget, so we are presented with a group of disparate folk holed up in a remore desert bar while hungry creatures lay siege. The creatures aren't explained (except they hump a lot!) but that's ok, as no explaination is required when there's people being eaten going on. It's directed with panache and cast with faces you'll recognise but won't be able to name without looking them up later.

And the competition winning script? A winner! It's fast, fun and chocked with oddball characters, quirky dialogue and Tarantinoesque captions (betting on the survivability of each character) that raises this above your standard, direct-to-DVD affair. Not a great horror flick, but you could do much, much worse than to play this sucker with some accompanying beer and popcorn.

Apocalypse Trilogy Part 1: The Thing

Over the course of his career, John Carpenter has dealt with several movies about the end of the world. Collectively they're known as the apocalypse trilogy. The first film in this unofficial, similiarly themed grouping is The Thing, a remake of the Howard Hawkes produced The Thing From Another World. Like the original, it tells of a group of Americans, stationed on a research base in Antarctica who happen across an aggressive creature from outer space. Unlike the 1951 film, the creature isn't a Frankenstein's monster space vegetable but a lethal shape changing immitator.

What's so good?
Everything. Carpenter's vision is at it's most refined. There's the Hawksian, all male ensemble. Plus you have the Carpenter outsider in Kurt Russell's McCready...ready to make the tough decisions because he's not close enough to the rest of the group to care about pissing them off.
The tone is very serious with none of the dumb, bullshit quality that crept into the directors work in later years, making the events seem even more real. The remote location emphasises the isolation of the individuals, not only from civilization, but from each other.
Moriconne's score (practically a Carpenter rip off, thankfully) is utterly bleak and forboding. Cinematographer Dean Cundy delivers his career best work, mixing an unflashy gritiness with vivid, cold blues and frequent camera flares.
Rob Bottin's make up effects are pretty much the most imaginative and most convincing captured on film. Only American Werewolf can match the jaw dropping splendor of Bottin's grotesque creations.

If there has to be a best scene (and this has many...oh so many) then it has to be the blood test. The movie's dramatic tension is built from the notion that the killer alien could be hidden as one of the good guy's and it's anti-hero Kurt that's found a way to detect the monster. Who'd have thought a hot, bare wire and a petrie dish could cause a rectum to poucker so much?

The ending is a classic, commenting on the distrust that is unescapable in human nature. Even with just two men standing at the climax, there's still the threat of violence.

I might have mentioned this before, but there's a certain test for all great stories. Even if you've seen the movie a million times before, and you know how each scene is going to play out...if you still find yourself hoping for a better outcome, despite KNOWING the opposite, the movie has got you. Hook, line and sinker. Even after they've burn the dogs, or detected the immitators with a blood test, I keep hoping that it's over. That our heroes have prevailed. Of course, the genius is, they haven't. And in The Thing's case, they won't.

What's not so good?
Nothing. John Carpenter's best film. A perfect movie.

The Apocalypse Trilogy Part 2: Prince Of Darkness

After getting fed up with the studio movie system in 1987, director John Carpenter returned to his low budget horror roots for the fantastic Prince of Darkness. While not everything clicks in this horror flick, which injects science fiction into a biblical tale, it's more entertaining than 95% of supernatural thrillers out there.

Yet again , Carpenter presents a siege movie. This time it's Alice Cooper's army of demonically possessed homeless bums that trap the protagonists in the derelict inner city church. In to this format Carpenter (under the guise of his writer's pseudonym Martin Quatermass) explores a senario where the devil has returned and an evil anti-God is poised to control creation. Refreshingly he does this from the standpoint of science, suggesting how religion (well Christianity really) has interpreted history and scientific fact to mislead the world in to a false sense of security.

So Whats Good?
The cast are great with Donald Pleasense and Victor Wong both getting to spout religious and scientific bollocks respectively, in a convincing and chilling way, while adding integrity to the procedings. Dennis Dunn is clearly having way too much fun as a cocky student.
Carpenter's score is definetely one of his best. It still has that primal, pounding, bassy synth but he's layered it with keyboard string sounds and choral elements to add depth and a more mythic feel.
The basic three act structure of set-up, possession and climactic siege is powerful in it's simplicity. True to form the director presents a great downer ending, using the simple yet powerful image of a mirror to suggest the film's resolution is very fragile indeed.

On the down side?
Gary Kibbe's first collaboration with Carpenter lacks the depth of the Dean Cundy years. While adequete, it hints at the dire, flat camerawork which is to follow in the next decade.
Keeping the image of the anti-God hidden was a bold move...maintaining the mystery of the all-powerful destroyer of reality alive maintains the credibility of the threat to the story. However, what you do get to see of him does kind of resemble Bungle the Bear's paw from childrens TV classic Rainbow. Still, what really grates is that Satan chooses to possess a young blond, pony-tailed girl...and the result isn't at all that unsettling or scary at all. Perhaps Carpenter wanted to subvert an innocent into absolute evil. But the gory face make up clashes dramatically with the pretty blond wig. Result? A bit silly.

Still, those are minor gripes. Prince of Darkness is still one of my favorite Carpenter films, even if it is a little talkier than his stand out classics. Too few horror films are atmospheric. Even less have a real cinematic power. This does. With balls on.

The Apocalypse Trilogy Part 3: In The Mouth Of Madness

In The Mouth of Madness is John Carpenter's third film to deal with the end of the world. Unfortunately, it's possibly his weakest, not only of the unofficial trilogy, but of his entire body of work.

Sam Neil is the insurance investigator charged with locating best selling horror author Sutter Cane on behalf of his publishers, who are eager to release Cane's latest novel. As the search progresses, the boundries of reality come crashing down.

On the plus side there's some great performances in the movie, especially from the always under-rated Sam Neil who comes across as smarmy, cocky but vulnerable simulaniously. Plus it's a great story, which questions whether what we call reality is what the majority of people believe it to be. If everybody thought reality was a Lovecraftian world of evil and monsters, would that existance become so?

Unfortunately, this is definatively the point in Carpenter's career where fundamentally poor decisions were made...either as a deliberate attempt to progress his craft or by pure ignorance of the choices he was making. It marks Carpenter's first soundtrack collaboration without Alan Howarth...resulting in a huge loss of atmosphere from the storytelling. The musical partnership with Jim Lang is a disaster (apart from the cool, rock out theme tune). The moody primal synth vibe is replaced by a cheap keyboard sound and inappropriate percussion.

Also, Carpenter's director of photography, Gary Kibbe, produces work so stunningly flat and lifeless it robs the movie of any visual style it might have hoped to have.
The high concept means the film's a lot talkier than other Carpenter movies, meaning it's far less cinematic than usual.

So what you're left with is a really cool story that told in a stunningly bland way.
It'a tie with this, Village of the Damned and Memoirs of an Invisible Man for Carpenter's worst.