There are three types of movies, off the top of my head, which are worth avoiding:-
1/ Uwe Boll movies.
2/ Movies from the low budget exploitation production outfit Asylum.
3/ Direct to DVD / TV movies shot for either Zone Horror or the SyFy channel.
Dinocroc Vs Supergator is a Roger Corman produced dino-turd that falls into category three. Here's a list of things you should know:-
1/ The CGI is abysmal. Both giant creatures appear to be weightless and don't blend into their environment realistically. A camera shudder is slyly used by the film-makers to try to give the creatures some realism...but it falls flat.
2/ The cast is comprised of three tiers of actors:-
i) Cardboard lunks that were too shit to get jobs on American daytime soaps.
ii) Seemingly ex female-porn actresses who are trying their hand at 'acting'.
iii) David Carradine, in one of his final on-screen roles. Pisser.
3/ When the cast are supposed to run away from an attacking creature...they jog slowly. Who knows why, perhaps the cameramen couldn't keep up beyond a mild canter, but they never muster any speed. And when they do run away, they only flee about 10 metres than exclaim, "Do you think we lost it!?!"
4/ The heroes use heat seeking technology to locate the beasts. But they're lizards (which are cold blooded) so how do they...
5/ The final confrontation takes place outside an abandoned sugar factory. To avoid the explosion which will destroy both creatures, our hero leaps into a convenient, water filled bath tub that just happens to be lying around in the open...outside an abandoned sugar factory, did I mention that...
Film making of the lowest order. But it's never dull, the girls are pretty and the ultra-corny score by Chuck Cirino and company is more memorable than 90% of most contemporary movie scores. No wonder Carradine couldn't take it anymore...
12 comments:
I'm Corey Landis, one of the actors in this movie. And I'm writing because I take extreme umbrage with your statement that implies that I'm a bad actor--too bad for American soaps, which have spawned many acclaimed actors, by the way--and that's why I'm in this movie. First, would you be able to honestly tell if there were good actors appearing in a movie you obviously disliked so much? Are you that astute and perceptive of a "reviewer"? De Niro appeared in a Corman movie Do did Nicholson. And Bruce Dern, And Peter Fonda. Do you think you'd be able to honestly single them out in your glorified diary entry, or would you lump all the performers together, as too shitty to get other work? As a classically trained actor with experience in Shakespeare, Chekhov, Moliere, Kushner, Corneille, etc., simply looking for honest work, I find your obtuse and myopic view of the filmmaking world disturbing. Do you honestly believe that only bad actors are in bad movies and good actors are in good movies, and this situation exists because everyone gets what they deserve? Did you even bother to look up the resumes of all the "cardboard" actors? Look up Michael Swan's resume, and then reiterate your statement that he's in the movie because he's so *shit* he can't get work elsewhere. I'm not defending this movie or movies of its kind; they are what they are. But I'm exhausted, exasperated, and frustrated by putting good work into a product that has no illusions about what it is, being "reviewed" by lazy, uninformed, unimaginative armchair critics who congratulate themselves for being so astute as to watch a low-budget monster movie that debuts on TV and marvel that the effects aren't the same as a $200 million Hollywood blockbuster. You think you're SMART for picking out plot holes in a B-movie? That's like watching porn and chastising the continuity errors. And that's sadder that what you're accusing me of.
Man-At-Arms. If I am to assume that you are not Corey Landis, and that your response to my review is to satirise bloggers who waste time critiquing exploitation films and also egotistical thespians with weak abilities …then I salute you sir. Your prose is well observed and hilarious.
If, Man-At-Arms, you are indeed the Corey Landis, then I must conclude that much like Dinocroc Vs Supergator, you both take yourselves far too seriously….which is itself utterly (unintentionally) hilarious.
But since you’ve taken the trouble to respond to my humble diary entry (which of course it is…well observed sir), allow me to retort.
1/ First, an apology. It was perhaps wrong to write a flippant, dumb review of a film that is flippant and dumb. Rather than use exaggerated, sarcastic remarks to register my displeasure at a movie that treats it’s audience like idiots, I should not have lowered myself to the same low standards of craftsmanship. Sorry ‘bout that.
Therefore, before making a broad statement stating that the actors are not good, I should have researched their previous accomplishments, to put into context each cast member’s abilities and skills, to ascertain whether they have previously been acclaimed, derided or otherwise.
Or, I could have made my statement of opinion much more specific and accurate like, “All the actors, apart from David Carradine, deliver utterly shit performances in the film Dinocroc Vs Supergator.”
Having seen no other work from the cast, I should not have stated that the whole cast were too unskilled to obtain other work. However, if I were to base an opinion on their individual performances in this one film (like someone in the casting business might) then I’d judge that the cast weren’t fit to perform in a commercial advertising strawberry flavoured wank cream.
2/ The fact that Corey Landis might be classically trained makes his Dinocroc performance all the more tragic.
3/ Of course good actors have been in bad movies. One only has to look at the dire performances in The Happening, to then look at the resume’s of Mark Whalberg and Zooey Deschanel to find they are capable of great work. It doesn’t stop their performances in that one film being shameful (although better than Corey Landis in Dinocroc.)
4/ You state that, “I'm not defending this movie or movies of its kind”….but, watch out Man-At-Arms…you are.
5/ After writing the original review I did indeed congratulate myself, opening a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
6/ Do I think I’m smart? Yes. Yes I do. Smarter than Corey Landis anyway, who chose a script as dire as Dinocroc and who chose to perform his character in a way that’s cornier than acres of Iowa farmland.
7/ If Dinocroc was the equivalent to a porn film…or even a garage made fan-film, I’d forgive it for it’s sins of production, script and acting. But it’s not. It’s bought, made and transmitted on television…so it better be worth my time.
Just because it’s exploitation, that’s still no excuse for it to be bad. Exploiting a genre is no excuse for pissing over that genre’s grave with sub-standard work, apathy and delusions of self grandeur. Even recent exploitation efforts like Megashark Vs Giant Octopus and Sharktopus were better movies than Dinocroc. They both had a tongue in cheek sense of humour that is both entertaining and communicates to an audience that is aware of it’s shortcomings, humbling itself in front of those viewing. DvsS does not do this and is a weaker film as a result. Like I said, the cast and crew may have, or go on to make, good or great work…but that’s not showing in Dinocroc.
8/ You state, “I'm exhausted, exasperated, and frustrated by putting good work into a product.” Let me make it quite, quite clear…The work of Corey Landis in Dinocroc Vs Supergator IS, NOT, GOOD.
9/ Finally, Man-At-Arms, let me add (whether you are the real Corey Landis or not)…Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, etc.
I would first like to apologize if I came across too aggressively. I had my back up and I was defensive because my feelings were hurt. But, I maintain I wasn't bad in the movie. I took the movie because it was either that, or not work. And I like to work. And I enjoyed working with great folks and getting a free trip to Hawaii. What would you have done? Second, I'd like to say that I made another mistake by replying to your post at all. I need to learn to not take stuff like your blog entry seriously and taking the bait while simultaneously giving you more fodder. I KNOW you don't know what you're talking about, and I still let it bother me? One of these days I'll learn. In the meanwhile I wish you and your seven followers the best of success.
No need to apologise for your over-emotional reply, Man-At-Arms. My over-emotional critique was born out of frustration too, aimed at SyFy executives, in an attempt to dissuade them from green-lighting any more torturous, self produced motion pictures (although little good it will do, I’m sure you’ll agree.)
To answer your question, if I were Corey Landis, I would not have buckled under the desire to work by going to Hawaii, thereby retaining my integrity, thus preventing bloggers who are smarter than Corey Landis ridiculing his performance in DvsS.
You are correct, Man-At-Arms, when you say that you should not have taken the bait and replied to the post at all as it gave me more fodder. It did.
However it is disappointing when you use capital letters on the word ‘know’ as it serves to highlight your continued delusional state as to the quality of the Corey Landis performance in DvsS. But that need not be a criticism. Many public figures have gone on to have considerable success in their respective areas while being similarly deluded. Glenn Beck continues to KNOW he’s an impartial political commentator, Jay Leno continues to KNOW he’s the greatest late night, chat show host and 50 Cent continues to KNOW he’s one of the finest musicians of his generation. If Corey Landis clings to his dream, then the rewards can follow.
Myself and my 2 followers (yeah, the other 5 have long since logged off) wish Corey Landis the best in his future endeavours, and I look forward to assessing the remainder of his body of work (although I won’t be listening to any more of his musical output as what I’ve heard isn’t fit for a commercial advertising strawberry flavoured wank cream.)
I can't believe there's so many loosers out there trashing the work of others who are actually out there working, trying to achieve their goals. It's so easy to stay home all day eating bom boms and watching TV as you jack off and toss off all over your fat belly. Here's a picture of a female reproductive organ Rob:
I got a feeling you've never seen one up close.
http://www.candypost.com/galleries/kpc/t0007/kpc_teens-cipriana0001fudd/14.jpg
I know what you mean Rompe Culos. Here I am, out here working, trying to achieve my goal of having less SyFy detritus greenlit, and “loosers” like Man-At-Arms trash my work. Thanks for your support.
It actually sounds like a lot of hard work to stay home all day, eating bom boms and watching TV as you jack off and toss off all over your fat belly. But you seem to have stated that quite assertively, so I’ll assume that you’ve researched that quite thoroughly and take your word for it.
I’m afraid your feelings on what I have and haven’t seen up-close are about as correct as a decision made by Corey Landis to ‘act’ in a SyFy channel movie; that is…completely wrong. However, thank you for the splendid pornographic photograph, but my beautiful wife disapproves of such filth. But don’t worry, once I pointed out it was just a picture of a complete pussy who had posted on my blog, she laughed heartily.
You don't like my music, either? Damn! I can't win!
Dear Rob,
I take it you're a film afficiondo yourself, as are many other bloggers on the web. I don't have a problem with people coming on and voicing their dislikes when it comes to cinema. My problem is when someone who has no experience believes he knows more than the people doing it on a daily basis. There are a million reasons why people end up working jobs they rather not do, be it financial difficulties, a need to remain active, etc. I'm sure the people on Dinocroc knew they weren't signing on for the next "Bridge on the River Kwai", but as you tossed off into your towel back home they were off in beautiful Hawaii having fun doing what they love and putting together a product on the dime of one of the world's top media conglomerates (SyFy is owned by NBC / Universal).
For you to come on and make fun of people who are out there probably doing far more exciting things than you will ever do and to do it sounding like you know more than anyone is rather pathetic. If you really knew more about film than the people making Dinocroc you wouldn't be wasting your time writing multiple times a day on a glorified fanboy diary like you do here, you'd be out there working as a legitimate film journalist for a respected publication.
I wonder if somewhere deep inside of you there's a little frustrated actor or frustrated filmmaker who is so pissed that Roger Corman and the execs at syFy can shit out a turd like Dinocroc and get it on the air while all you can do is merely watch with a mouthful of Bom Boms.
Don't try to be a know it all and don't put other people down. Its not necessary in order to critique someone's work -- ever heard of "constructive criticism"?
My best to you and your beautiful wife -- sounds like she's got a great sense of humor, a must when marrying a looser who's spent most of his day arguing over the internet with people he doesn't know while those individuals are off living far more exciting and productive lives.
Light,
Rompe Culos.
Inglewood, "Always up to no good"
This is great stuff.
I was under the impression that a Blog was nothing more than a conversation/discussion that people might have down the pub.
Who would have though that it could raise such an emotive response from people who you have not and will not ever meet.
I guess Man-At Arms is the articulate and yet emotionally affected one where as Rompe Culos would simply just stove you head in at the bar rather than offer a response.
They are right though Rob (if that is your name), don't do something you want to do and that which makes you happy. Just follow the bucks. If you were any good then you would be making films for Fox and writing for a publishing Behemoth that gave you no independence or integrity at all.
Shame on you. You finally really did it. You maniac! You blew it up! Damn you. God damn you all to hell!
Man-At-Arms. I kid thee about the music of Corey Landis. The lad can certainly sing and is a talented pianist. I said pianist. A worthy career awaits…
Rompe Culos, Sorry for not replying earlier but work takes priority over leisure. It has been such a rewarding and entertaining experience to trade opinions with a real, honest-to-god dumb person, such as yourself, that I had to rush back for some more fun. Thank you for calling my fan boy diary ‘glorified’, that’s very sweet of you, but the blog is rather down to earth really.
Before I respond, I’m intrigued by your continued insistence on using manufactured , libellous descriptions of things that I have not done with regards to towels, handmade orgasms and candy coated toffees. This seems contradictory, and in direct opposition to your advice of giving ‘constructive criticism’. Shouldn’t you be setting an example yourself? Your obsession with these deviant actions has led me to suspect one of two things. You are either a disgruntled ex-factory worker of your now closed local Bon Bon manufacturing company. Or, you are Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell, and use abusive internet posts as an outlet for your pent-up sexual frustration. If that IS the case, then I can assure you that wiccans are always welcome here.
Rompe…can I call you Rompe? OK, Rompe Culos, in your tears of outrage you appear to have got muddled over a couple of issues. Allow me to assist. You seem to have confused a critique of the film (which I will refer to as the Product) with a critique of how the film was made or a critique of who made the film. As you expertly guessed, I am not a film-maker. The cast have more acting experience than I do and the crew have more knowledge of film-making than I do. I am not familiar with the long hours that go into constructing a set, the hard work that goes into shooting an action sequence or the headache inducing problems that go into rendering a prehistoric digital monster.
But I do have experience in one important area; watching films. I’ve seen enough films, studied enough films, ‘read’ enough films to form an opinion as to what is a good film and what is a bad film.
As a consumer of the product in the marketplace, it is not necessary to know who the people were that made the product or the level of skill or effort they put into making the product. It is not relevant. All I, the consumer, need to assess is whether the product itself is any good. I don’t need to know anything about the process, heartless that may seem, only the end result.
If the product is a MacDonald’s burger, the consumer does not need to know the character, work ethic, or intelligence of the people who made that food product, nor does the consumer need to know how the meat or burger bun was processed. All the consumer needs to know is how the product tastes. The consumer doesn’t need to know the skills or training that went into fielding a football team. All the consumer needs to know is if they can get the result and win the match. The consumer doesn’t need to know the experience or dedication of the men and woman of a Counter Intelligence Agency. The result the consumer needs to assess is are they preventing terrorist actions.
End Of Part 1
Part II
At the end of the day, it’s not relevant to a consumer of science fiction films who funds Roger Corman productions. It’s not relevant to consumers how nice the people were that made it, how enthusiastic, committed, hard working and gifted they are either. The consumer is only interested in the product. Once the film is completed and placed into the marketplace (it’s totally out of the hands of those that made it). It’s now in the hands of the consumers…and since their the ones that have to watch the damned thing…the consumer is entitled to an opinion. Not an opinion of the process but the end result; the product. Whether that’s an opinion based on watching loads of movies, or even none at all, I’m entitled to an opinion. Printed or private, it doesn’t matter. Dinocroc is in the marketplace (in this case the SyFy channel) and that is in the public domain, so stop crying, and man up. Every person involved in creating a product is in the same boat; artists, politicians, cooks, customer service clerks, toy manufactures, directors and actors.
Which brings me briefly to my second point. A question really. You’ve spent so much effort into defending the people who made DvsS…you haven’t said what you think of DvsS yourself. So what do you think of it? Is it up there with Goodfellas? On a par with Jurassic Park 3? Alongside One Million Years B.C.? What do you think about the acting of the cast and Corey Landis? Not the effort he put in to his character, but the result of his efforts, the product that was made possible by his efforts…the performance itself? And have you considered that the film you are so passionately defending is not Unforgiven, it’s not Casablanca, The Godfather or even Spider-man 3. Its Dinocroc Vs Supergator.
You might want to check out the thoughts of my fellow consumers hansutz, drystyx, condole and Paul Andrews over at iMDB…but please don’t get angry…or go any where near a Gamma Radiation testing facility.
Finally, do the world a favour and spell “looser” correctly. It’s LOSER..one “o”…cause it makes you look like a…oh, never mind.
Random words,
Rob,
“Mission statement to make myself look cool, in brackets”
Post a Comment