Mental Break Down Over Breaking Dawn

Before the inevitable, lets get the good news out of the way first. Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 is the best in the saga so far. That's all down to director Bill Condon (of Gods & Monsters / Dreamgirls fame) who shoots the film with more colour and warmth than has been allowed before, some welcome attempts at injecting humour into the proceedings and the occasional flourish with experimental editing which livens things up. Out side of those improvements, things are still pretty fucking horrible.

That falls down to the usual three things:-

1/ The script is dire. That means woefully corny dialogue ripped from the tragic imagination of an Emo writing an imitation of a supernatural Mills & Boone novel.
But the bulk of the problem is the same as the other films in the franchise.

Nothing. Fucking. Happens.

The first 50 minutes are preoccupied with a wedding that contains virtually no dramatic tension. Apart from plank-boy Taylor Lautner turning up and being a whiny bitch for a couple of minutes there's nowt going on. The second 50 minutes is a slight improvement as heroine Bella finds herself up the duff with a seemingly impossible crossbreed fetus which should have generated some much needed suspense if it wasn't for the idiotic characters. It all comes to a head with a baffling and completely ludicrous birth scene where all common sense finally evaporates into boiled vampire piss.

2/ The characters are one-note and are played that way by their one-note actors. Kirsten Stewart is showing signs of losing those lazy tics that make her predictable and irritating as a performer, but she plays Bella as someone who shouldn't ever walk to school without a parent present, let alone get married. Pattinson is still the brooding, self-hating Emo I've always disliked throughout these films and Taylor Lautner couldn't act himself out of a wall-less prison cell.

3/ Bella Swann is perhaps the worst fictional role model a young girl could have. Millions of girls read the Twilight books and millions more have seen these films so it's quite depressing to see the moral standards to which the main character adheres. As Bella has grown older I've expected her to mature, especially from her selfish, sulky, suicidally manipulative teen we saw in Twilight II - Bella's A Bitch, but she's gotten worse if Breaking Dawn Part 1 is anything to go by.
There are three key moments which define her. Spoilers ahead:-

a/ Pattinson's vampire Edward admits to murdering in his youth to which Bella forgives him, immediately making excuses for him. Now everybody can change, but the way she forgives him without giving his violent actions a second of consideration is pretty disturbing.

b/ Edward physically abuses Bella, as witnessed by the bruises on her arms and body. But, afraid of losing him, she dismisses her injuries and welcomes more. So either she's mental in the noggin or she's like thousands of submissive beaten wives who think that's the best life's gonna get.

c/ When pregnant with a child that will surely kill her and therefore the baby as well, most likly before she reaches full term, she dismisses the danger and refuses an abortion. Result? She dies. Yeah, it's all very nice having a child with the man who will love you forever, but when it's gonna kill you faster than a terminal case of death, it's time to listen to the doctor with the decade or five of medical training. Stupid bitch.

And don't get me started on those bloody werewolves. They spend the time getting worked up about a treaty violation, and in one scene, hilariously scowl at each other in goofy and heated telepathic argument. The rest of the time they scowl some more or bound angrily through the Vancouver pine forests.

We're only a month into 2012 but I feel I've already seen the worst film of the year already. Unless of course Breaking Dawn Part 2 can out suck it.