(Air)borne To Be Bad

Towards the end of Airborne, buxom ex-Hollyoaks cutie Gemma Atkinson places a gun in her gob and blows the back of her head off, the inferance being that she has been possessed by a particularly nasty demon. In reality, one suspects she takes her own life upon the realisation that there may never be a worse film in 2012 than the film she is currently staring in. Airborne is a gigantic pile of shit.


Let's put it simply; director Dominic Burns (Cockneys vs Zombies / Strippers vs Werewolves) is the new Dr Uwe Boll. His work is slick, glossy and professional looking but has the narrative coherance of a stew, cooked by a brain damaged jigsaw puzzle designer. Very little makes sense, there's no attempt at focusing the story on likable or interesting characters...let along create a charcter arc of any kind and it's one of the worst example of stupid characters doing remarkably stupid things for totally unapparant reasons. All the time.


Aside from the lovely Ms Atkinsons boobs, Airborne has quite the starry, and utterly underused, cast including Alan Ford, Craig Conway and Julian Glover who are all fine. However, the supporting cast are a mixed bunch with the very worst (and wooden) of them taking their lead from old and fat Mark Hamill who is utterly embarressing as the air traffic contoller cheif who's on his last shift at work before retirement (yep, he's way too old for this shit). The mix of mystery thriller, crime caper story, airplane disaster flick and horror movie doesn't gel...thanks to a staggeringly under-written script and some terrible direction choices while the effects are clearly ripped directly from Harrison Ford's Air Force One film.

A great contender for worst film of the year.