Olyphantastic vs The Crazies

It's a shame that most of the current crop of horror remakes are shit. Friday the 13th, The Hitcher, Texas Chainsaw, Prom Night, Day of the Dead, Sorority Row. All below par or outright crap. Halloween was a great effort. So with the odds stacked against it, The Crazies has risen to the top, along side he Hills Have Eyes and Dawn as the Dead, as a remake that at least gives the original a run for it's money.

Like George A Romero's 1973 original, it shows a small, middle American town come under the deadly influence of a mysterious, contagious virus. As the resident's begin to catch on to what is happening to them, a faceless and ruthless military move in to stop the spread of the condition which turns people into psychopaths. In many respects, it's a zombie movie (although the victims retain their personalities and their heartbeats) with the added threat of the military who are as cold and inhuman as the infected residents.

Sahara's Breck Eisner does a stunning job on a limited budget ($19 million). It has a slow, tense build up, a frantic middle act as Timothy Olyphant and Rhada Mitchell escape the clutches of the army and a great collection of taut set pieces as they make their way to freedom. With a 48 hour incubation period, the 'disease' allows for paranoia and mistrust to build amongst the principals, building the tension further. The cinematography has a gloriously rich, old fashioned CinemaScope feel rather than the hyper stylised Michael Bay stuff or colour drained J-horror genre, while Mark Ishim's score helps create an unnerving, eerie quality. The only downside is that the film jettisons Romero's Vietnam inspired subtext for nothing much else. You could argue there's a parallel to Iraq but it's unclear and muddled.

But The Crazies is a confidently made, nerveracking and atmospheric movie that needs to be seen with the lights dimmed and the sound cranked way up.

I Suggest Another Strategy. Let The Ninja Win.

I used to argue, and still believe, that in addition to L.A's Disneyland and Universal Studios Tour, Warner Brothers should enter the movie theme park business. The title? Joel Silver World. Yep, visitors to the park could run around Die Hard's Nakatomi Towers, ride on the Lethal Weapon roller coaster, take tours around The Matrix's Zion City while Predator, Demolition Man and Action Jackson mascots have their pictures taken with visiting children. Since The Matrix, Silver has veered away from the medium budget action film he used to be master of, choosing instead to concentrate on either intelligent action thrillers (V for Vendetta, The Invasion), crap horror films (House of Wax, Ghost Ship) or riskier, experimental fare (Rocknrolla, Speed Racer, Fred Claus).

With Ninja Assassin, Silver returns to the wisecracking, high-octane, zero narrative action movie of the 80's and 90's. What there is of plot has Ben Harris (that bloke from Coupling) and the cute Naomi Harris (she of Miami Vice and the Pirates sequels) investigating the myth of Ninja clans. Meanwhile, Rain (the Korean pop sensation...apparently) in a pissed off Ninja looking for retribution. While the two Interpol agents do their snooping, we get flashback scenes to establish the root of Rain's grumpiness and to also illustrate what bad asses Ninjas really are. When the principals meet up the bloodletting begins.

And what glorious bloodletting it is, with bucket loads of CGI type O negative washing across the screen in frantic, ninja action. It's good fun in a turn-your-brain-off action kind of way. And, if you've seen other examples of this kind of movie in this blog, you'll know I'm a champion of the bullshit action movie.

So while I enjoyed this film, I also have to acknowledge it could be much much better. That's thanks to a couple of visual choices by director James McTiege (V for Vendetta). First off it's murky as hell. Many contemporary action movies use a film processing technique to make the contrast in the image more extreme, but mcTiege pushes it too far. Then he makes the mistake of many western martial arts directors; he edits the fighting far too fast. The result is some exquisitely choreographed (probably) fisticuffs that you can barely see. Therefore most of the fighting looks repetitive...making the action boring after a while. Also, watching the series Spartacus: Blood and Sand has reduced my sensitivity for the stylised blood gushing in Ninja Assassin, as the gladiator programme is far more graphic than what's on show here. The script, co-written by Babylon 5's J Michael Staczynski, reflects his usual style; the everyday stuff is a little corny while the ninja stuff is mythic and cool.

Still this is a fun movie that needs to be seen if you're into this type of thing. I just wish McTiege had the balls to shine an extra light on the kung-fu while removing the caffeine from the editing suite. Then we might have been presented with a modern bullshit classic.

Gumby & Belushi-The-Lesser Go West

Director Walter Hill, when he's not actually making westerns, makes contemporary westerns. And so it came to pass that Hill, already a co-creator of the buddy genre with 48 Hours, made another western variation with Red Heat. It stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a Russian cop sent to Chicago to retrieve a Georgian drug dealer (a sleazy Ed O'Ross). When things go tits-up, Arnie is forced to partner with wisecracking James Belushi to get his man. So in Walter Hill's mind, this is a big city sheriff, going to the wild west to arrest a wanted outlaw.

It has all the hallmarks of a Walter Hill thriller. Sleazy hotel shootout? Check. Topless strippers? Check. Bar room brawl? Check. Sparring protagonists? Check. Walter Hill's guns don't sound like guns. They're bloody cannons which never need reloading, and whose bullets send their targets flying across the room. It's gritty, adult in tone, but unimaginative compared with the likes of Die Hard and Lethal Weapon, released around the same time.

After The Running Man, it was great (and still is) to see Arnie doing something that was a little more well-made and serious in presentation. Schwarzenegger wisely plays to his strengths, keeping the acting tightly reigned in, allowing Belushi to mug his way through the rest of the movie. But like the Smith and Jones pairing in Men In Black, the gulf in personalities allows for some epically sharp one lines amongst all the the fire escape chases and fish-out-of-water humour. In a world where Arnie has yet to have a successor (Vin and Dwayne don't seem up for it) this may not be the Guvinator's best work, but it's stood the test of time really, really well.

Mr Tron Goes To Hobbiton

Babylon 5: In The Beginning is to the science fiction series Babylon 5, what The Hobbit is to The Lord of the Rings. It's a prequel movie which builds up a picture of what pivotal characters were doing during important events that were referred to in the epic fantasy series that ran during the 90's. However if you've never seen any B5 then I wouldn't recommend this as a place to start as it gives away too many mysteries and spoilers that were deliciously constructed and revealed during the course of the show. For a newbie, watching this would be like starting to watching Lost during it's final season. What it does do is allow a familiar audience to immerse themselves in events that were only glimpsed in the show's five year run.

As usual with B5, the budgets are low so the sets are small, the sound a bit stagey, the acting by some occasionally "daytime-soap" and the effects a little "lap-top". But B5 always turned the negatives into positives...so the sets and costumes are richly detailed, the story scope epic and awe inspiring, the remainder of the acting powerful and Shakespearean while the effects have a strong visual style and scope that make the vast universe believable.

Story wise this isn't as well structured as the series best instalments, as it has to adhere to the story beats of the Earth/Minbari war that's already been established, but there's enough of writer J. Michael Straczynski's theatrical speechifying to satisfy. This series finished over a decade ago but with huge science fiction franchises dominating the last ten years from Star Trek, Star Wars to Avatar, none have come close to competing with the epic scope on show in Babylon 5.

You Can't Be Anal-Retentive If You Don't Have An Anus

Dogma is writer/director Kevin Smith's fourth project and his most intelligent work to date (but alas not his greatest). It's basically a religious-comedy-road movie as Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) is instructed by the Metatron (God's spokesperson) to stop two renegade angels (Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, reunited again) from crossing the threshold of a Catholic church, thus creating a religious loophole which will destroy the whole of existence.

It's perhaps not Smith's most hilarious offering but it has the most to say, causing a healthy dose of controversy in the States, on its release. Dogma is a little long winded and rambling but is balanced out by some sharp characters, memorable banter with the entire cast putting their heart and soul into it. Damon and Affleck show great chemistry as the angels on a mission, with Alan Rickman, Chris Rock, Jason Lee and an almost indecipherable Salma Hayek giving the religion-bashing a touch of class. Smith's masterstroke is to cast singer Alanis Morrisete as God, playing it with all the innocence of a child in adult form.

The satire isn't aimed at faith, but rather the religious organisations that pimp faith to the masses, with Catholicism being the target. Some interesting issues are raised such as the missing 18 years of Jesus's life from The Bible (because he had brothers and sisters), that Jesus was a black man and that God is a bit of a wrathful bastard actually. Essentially, it argues that Man has corrupted belief in God to meet his own ends and purposes and that that to hold to a idea about faith is better to believe in a faith, because an idea is open to change. And that's a surprisingly full, intellectual meal from a movie that contains enough pratfalls, swearing and nob gags to fill three American Pie movies.

The Rock 'N' Roll Over And Die

Poor Dwayne Johnson. As "The Rock" he was once king of the ring...a true master of the wrestling world. Then he moved to movies. Since then he's proved what a skilled and adept actor he is, delivered a string of modest hits in a variety of genres and slowly weaned the public off of his stage name. However, he's still not broken through into the big time...perhaps because he chooses weak material to star in like Doom, Race To Witch Mountain, Southland Tales and Be Cool (although, to be fair, he is great in all of them).

After taking a cue from Arnie and dipping into the family movie market with the smash hit The Game Plan, Dwayne's taken the kiddy flick route again...only this time it's with Twenieth Century Fox (and we all know what that means). Like The Game Plan (and Junior, Kindergarten Cop, The Pacifier) the joke here is to but an imposing, aggressive beefcake moviestar and put him into an embarrassing situation where he's forced to interact with kids and/or dress and act in a wimpy, non-masculine way. So in Tooth Fairy, Dwayne becomes a, erm, Tooth Fairy.

People have been right to label The Rock as the new Arnie in many respects. He's built like a brick shit house, is very charismatic and is comfortable at poking fun at himself (something Stallone failed miserably at in "Stop! Or My Mon Will Shoot"). But in Tooth Fairy, Dwayne take it too far. I mean, Jesus man...running around in a tutu, talking in a chipmunk like squeak and those abysmal blue tights he has to wear for half the movie. With Tooth Fairy, fun and laughter is replaced with pity and discomfort as we witness a genuinely great movie star oblige his shitty contract and goof around like a twat. You almost feel like a charity hot line number should run regularly at the bottom of the screen urging you to donate generously to save The Rock.

The story is the usual kiddy fair with Dwayne being a selfish realist who's inconsiderate of his ice hockey team mates, fans, girlfriend (a cute Ashley Judd...more movies please) and her kids. When he takes his girlfriend's daughters tooth money to pay for his gambling he's forcefully recruited to become a real tooth fairy for three weeks by Julie Andrews (looking like she wants to use fairy dust to magic herself out of this crap). Of course, Dwayne learns an important life lesson and does good at the end.

As usual with Fox stuff, it's not badly made...just bland, watered down, predictable drivel without an once of originality. The rest of the cast, including Billy Crystal, are going through the motions, although fairy case worker, Hollywood newcomer Stephen Merchant, is chucklesom (although that may be due to his West Country accent). The characters are paper thin, there's no sophistication for an adult audience but like Night at the Museum, it will be fine to shove in front of a six year old on a Sunday afternoon.

Dwayne, this is twelve feet below the bottom of the barrel stuff. Carry on doing kids stuff, after all, you're good at it. But next time...LOOK AT THE SCRIPT!

The West Country Van Helsing

A strange thing happens a few minutes into watching Solomon Kane. From the mouth of James Purefoy, who portrays the rugged, battle-scarred anti-hero comes an unusual accent. Unusual in the cinematic sense, but not unusual in reality, for the accent in question is West Country, that of English counties Somerset and Devon. Now being from the West Country, and understanding that our accent is often associated with inbred simpletons, I was a little startled at the choice to portray Robert E Howard's badass in such a faithful way (I assumed Purefoy would be vocally assertive and plummy).

After that revelation settles in, you can settle down for a hugely enjoyable pulpy, swashbuckling adventure. It's great to see a mixing of the mystical and the medieval and done on a scale that allows for some big action set-pieces. You can see that it's filmed on a limited budget, but the film-makers have stretched their funds and structured their script to make every penny count. Solomon Kane looks authentic and gritty but embraces the sorcery elements without making them feel alien to the rest of the movie.

Purefoy is commanding as Kane, in a plot reminiscent of The Shadow where an evil warrior has a moment of clarity and renounces his evil ways. After he befriends a kindly family, including the suitably innocent looking Rachel Hurd Wood, they're attacked and (mostly) butchered by the forces of dark magician Malachi. Then it's off to Devon to his troubled childhood home to confront the evil and save the girl.

The action is well staged, the cast are fine (including Jason Fleming, Max Von Sydow, Alice Krige, Mackenzie Crook and Pete Postlesthwaite)and the story fast paced and exciting. On the downside, there's some overly familiar elements. Klaus Badelt's score rips of Hans Zimmer's King Arthur themes (but it's a damn good score to rip off anyway and works well in this context), Solomon himself looks too much like Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing half the time and the climatic, satanic monster is a little too Balrogy for my liking.

But these are only small criticisms in an good, old fashioned historic, fantasy adventure. Catch this if you can because Hawk The Slayer, this is not.