Blokes, Romans & Fassbender

2010 is a strong year for Brit directors at the box office. Christopher Nolan (Inception), Ridley Scott (Robin Hood), David Yates (Harry Potter 7), Mike Newall (Prince Of Persia), Michael Apted (Narnia 3), Edgar Wright (Scott Pilgrim) and many others will shortly release what will surely become some of the biggest films of the year at the box office. A welcome addition to that list is Neil Marshall, who made such a huge impact last decade with Dog Soldiers, The Descent and Doomsday. He's back with Centurion, a period piece which follows the last few surviving members of Rome's Ninth Legion as they fight their way through Scotland to safety.

And I'm happy to say it's very much a Neil Marshall movie. There's the familiar structure of a small, but able, group trapped behind enemy lines, trying to get to freedom. Like contemporary Westerns The Warriors and Escape From New York which inevitably inspired this (and Doomsday), there's also a Butch and Sundance vibe as the life-long warriors face the end of an era.

The trapped group in question are written and performed to a degree that we can identify each of them as individuals (not always the case in a chase movie) as well being likable and grounded enough as characters to empathise with. As expected, the dialogue is often loaded with down to earth, laddish quips which helps put you in their dire predicament. After his impressive performance in Inglorious Basterds, Michael Fassbender firmly establishes himself as a leading man...but one of a time long past. That's not a bad thing as he presents a strong, unflabbable, David Niven-esque, stiff-upper-lip quality that's all but disappeared in English actors. He's joined by the commanding, but boozy, Dominic West as his boss (who unfortunately gets dispatched way too soon...showcasing just what a fine job he does here). David Morrisey, Liam Cunningham, Noel Clarke and JJ Feild make up the rest of the memorable , er, merry men.

Add to that the striking Olga Kurylenko as the mute, Pict warrior who hunts the boys down. She's reminiscent of Ray Park in The Phantom Menace; no dialogue, but a ferocious and imposing physical presence that more than meets the stature of Fassbender and company. Imogen Poots makes a cute and welcome distraction...before the bloodletting begins in earnest once again.

And in typical Marshall style, it does indeed get bloody. The savagery of his previous movies is revisited...but thankfully without the appalling MTV editing that accompanied Doomsday. Also, Marshall's long time D.P. Sam McCurdy delivers some career best photography, presenting a harsh yet beautiful landscape in which the story unravels. It's paramount in a fantasy or historic epic, whether it's Lord of the Rings or Gladiator, that the storytellers create a world that you can utterly believe in...otherwise it'll undermine the whole narrative. The millennium old Scotland here is pitch perfect, in painterly wide shots or exhilarating helicopter shots raise this, visually, head and shoulders above everything Marshall has done before.

While critics have rightly pointed out that the characters aren't as rich as in his first two classics, there's more than enough relentless action, witty dialogue, inventive dismemberment, historic depth and battle/survival strategy to make this a must re-watch movie. A definite step up from Doomsday, Centurion is to be recommended. However, if you're expecting a violent Sean Pertwee death scene, you may have to wait until Marshall adapts the TV classic, The Professionals.

Tickling The Funnybone: April Edition

Some cool minimalist Comic Posters (above) can be seen in greater detail here.

Here's a nice twist on the current trend for Nazi zombies...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

An amusing "News" report regarding the upcoming Iron Man 2...


'Iron Man 2' Buzz Heats Up Over Rumors Gwyneth Paltrow Gets Punched In Face

Here's some footage of Star Wars Uncut...a shot for shot remake of A New Hope made up of footage from hundreds of fan made short films...

Star Wars Uncut "The Escape" from Casey Pugh on Vimeo.

A really cool Rocketeer spoof...

Drunk Rocketeer

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Spoofs | Funny Animations

An amusing Battlestar Galactica parody...



And here's a link to the site that proclaims "Jesus Is A Dick"

Sgt Murtaugh Vs Pussyface Predator

Predator 2, as a story, does everything it had to do as a sequel to John McTiernan's classic. Like the Dark Horse comic book that preceded it, the film has a contemporary city setting, all the action potential that crime ridden environment can offer, and a cliched loose-cannon cop for the alien hunter to face off with.

The big surprise is that the bad-ass cop turned out to be Danny Glover, a bit of a surprise since he's following in Schwarzneggar's footsteps...not to mention he's best known as playing an aging policeman who's "too old for this shit". Danny's lack of physical presence (compared with Arnie) is made up with an Avery Brooks-esque bluster as he rants, spits and energetically lollops around the streets of L.A. like a man possessed by a pissed of gazelle. Like the first movie, the action hero has a memorable team of hard cases with which to trade one-liners from Bill Paxton's cocky rookie, Maria Conchita Alonso's tomboy and Ruben Blades smooth, best buddy.

Filling the Carl Weathers role as the 'untrustworthy' guy on 'our' side is the incomparable Gary Busey, proving he's a match for Glover in the bluster department. On the flip side, TV actor Kent McCord delivers the cliched, chisel-jawed department head with remarkable blandness, perhaps trying to cancel out Robert Davi's cliched, furious, Police Chief routine.

Without John McTiernan's adult euro style direction, this Predator movie feels more bullshitty than it's predecessor. The direction and editing are more conventionally Hollywood, the unsubtle (but impressively gritty) photography is extremely dated, as are the 90's fashions on display, once so cool, now looking like an M.C. Hammer fan club reunion. Still, this is still at the leading edge of enjoyable, dumb-but-fun action thrillers. Once the police procedural set up is established then it's straight on to cast members being dispatched inventively by the Predator, before Danny goes mano-et-mano with the creature.

The climax, set on the Predator's spaceship is inspired (unfortunately setting up the disappointing AVP movies too) and the plentiful quips (which replace characterisation and plot) are magnificent. "Fucking Voodoo magic, man" and "Shit happens"...all delivered in a broad Jamaican accent...are now part of geek culture forever.

Captain Gay Of The USA

With a mega budget adaptation of Marvel Comic's Captain on the horizon, I'd thought I'd check out the cheap, 1990's version, cranked out by exploitation superstar Menahem Golan and his right hand man, director of schlock, Albert Pyun. I've always avoided this film because of it's huge potential to suck...but it served as an opportunity to become familiar with the Captain America lore.

And despite all my fears...it ain't that bad. Sure it's corny in a SyFy channel TV movie kind of way, the iconic suit looks every bit as embarrassing as you'd expect and the acting, for the most part, is as wooden as a Canadian Pine forest. But it's fast and fun, going for a globe trotting James Bond vibe, rather than the costumed- hero wrestling smackdown I'd feared I'd encounter. Fortunately hero Steve Rogers spends most of his time out of costume in fish out of water scenarios, rather than clad in spandex. It's a shame then that lead, Matt Salinger is as flaccid as an inebriated donkey cock. Kim Gillingham, the spunky leading lady, fares little better. Thank God then for supporting thesps Ronnie Cox (as the all action American President), Ned Beatty (poor, poor Ned) and the marvelous Scott Paulin as his Arch Nemesis, the Red Skull, chewing the scenery with verve.

Glossy, cheesy...but surprisingly entertaining. All I hope now is that 2011 brings us a Captain America movie that can pull off that outrageous costume in a mainstream motion picture.

Feel The Fury If You Hassle The Hoff

Continuing the Marvel Comic theme, next on the agenda was Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield. Again, I'd avoided up to this point due to it's meagre TV budget and the fact that it stars TV legend David Hasselhoff...not exactly one of the greatest leading men in the world.

It turns out The Hoff is the best thing about this mis-judged action-fest. His portrayal of Fury is strictly old-skool...and all the better for it. Grizzled, anti-authoritarian, wise-cracking, cigar chomping and a patriotic Goddamned hero...Hasselhoff is the charismatic core this mini-epic needs him to be. Like Captain America, the Nick Fury movie has a global threat in the vein of the 007 movies, and presents an interesting array of characters and vehicles that is the organisation of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Where it falls down is the execution. The effects are barely broadcast worthy half the time, the direction dull and the script is perhaps the most laughable Batman Begins scribe, David S Goyer, has ever penned. What nearly sinks the whole enterprise is the casting of Swiss actress Sandra Hess as the arch villain Viper. Words can not adequately describe the awfulness of her performance. It's like she's doing an impression of a 5 year old doing an impression of a maniacal, laughing Blofeld-like baddie...except it's completely off. Both wooden and hysterically over-the-top I'd previously thought were impossibilities in the same line delivery, but here Hess finds a way to make the impossibly terrible a reality. Not since I saw Battle Royale 2 have I seen an evil person so utterly mis-presented by the so-called art of acting.

The monster in the closet your kids are so frightened of...that's Hess. Fortunately...you can always count on The Hoff.

The F**kwit Family

Horror film, "Perkins 14", tells the tragic tale of the Hopper family. Tragic, but not because of the 14, PCP fueled, teenage zombies, that local nutjob Mr Perkins has had locked in his basement for a decade, have escaped, intent on eating the flesh from the residents of the small American town. No, it's tragic because The Hoppers are the dumbest bunch of fuckwits to ever grace a horror film.

Daddy Fuckwit discovers one of the feral zombie kids is his own, kidnapped 10 years earlier, and therefore won't kill him...even when he continues to devour his colleges, townsfolk and the ol' ball and chain. Then there's Hopper's fuckwit, French whore wife who asks stupid questions and wanders off to get devoured by the flesh eating hoard. Mummy and daddy fuckwit also have an airheaded, rebellious fuckwit daughter who'd rather open the locked prison cell she's hiding in AND give her cannibalistic older brother her shotgun than, er, live.

What a fuckwit.

It's deathly slow to get going, murky and migraine inducing when it does get gain momentum...but any positive the film may gain for it's disemboweling gore effects are smothered under the barmy story of The Fuckwit Family. Perhaps the film is trying to say dysfunctional families should disband rather than try to live together in perpetual misery. Given the retarded logic the Hoppers display...I'd tend to go along with that. However, I suspect that, just like The Fuckwit Family themselves, director Craig Singer hasn't got a logical, decent idea in his noggin either.

The Quick & The Evil Dead

There are three stages to Sam Raimi's career. The first, wild, experimental stage from The Evil Dead to Darkman. The serious, second stage, from A Simple Plan to For The Love Of The Game, proving he could tell a compelling story, without the trademark flourishes. And the third, blockbuster era, encompassing the Spider-man films and Drag Me To Hell. Bridging the first and second era was his Western, The Quick & The Dead starring Sharon Stone as a gunslinger out for revenge against criminal overlord Gene Hackman in a ruthless quick draw tournament.

It's a noticeable attempt by Raimi to make a more mainstream movie by treating the drama in a calmer, more traditional way. However, he employs his lunatic camera techniques every time someone goes near a Colt 45. The gunfights of the tournament are particularly stylish, leaving the audience with no doubts who directed this. Stone is a little weak in the main role, especially opposite the master that is Hackman who relishes his inscrutable villainy. But the supporting actors practically scream "all star cast" with Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio making an impact, years before they broke into the A list. Add to that Lance Henriksen, Keith David, Tobin Bell, Gary Sinese and Pat Hingle and you have a movie full of riches. While the bare-bones simplicity of the plot and characterisations aren't one of those riches, the film is tense, fun and eventful enough to recommend to those who haven't seen it.

Add this to the category of 'better than I remembered it'.