The Worst Movies Of 2009

Due to popular demand, here are the my worst movies of 2009. They represent those films that are either poor and amateurish in execution, have stories that are impenetrable, that have creative choices that fail to entertain, emotionally move or stimulate any intellectual connection with the viewer.

The bad films are really, really boring. The worst of the bad films are so misjudged, the films demand you hate them. Here they are in reverse order:-

10/ Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus
An appallingly acted, shot and produced exploitation flick. It's not higher on this list due to the inclusion of perhaps the greatest, single scene in any movie of 2009.

9/ Stan Helsing
Will someone eradicate the writers of the Scary Movie franchise so they can't hurt us anymore?

8/ My Bloody Valentine
Well produced but exceptionally predictable studio slasher.

7/ Laid To Rest
Cheapo slasher movie. The Sarah Connor Chronicles Thomas Dekkar and Lena Heady were supposed to help us make sense of all this. But, they're barely in this non-sensical mess.

6/ Thick As Thieves
From the director of The Peacemaker and starring Morgan Freeman....together they've created the cure for insomnia. Nothing happens. Very slowly.

5/ Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Twentieth Century Fox destroy one of their own franchises by draining any remaining quality out of the tired animation series. Endlessly irritating in it's bland predictability. When even the Scrat sequences are no longer funny, you know there's an inept studio head laughing his ass off at you forking out a tenner to watch this shit.

4/ Lesbian Vampire Killers
Even the appearance of the lesbian vampires couldn't save this. Neither a comedy, nor a horror. Note to all who venture here: Horne & Corden = Not funny.

3/ Staunton Hill
Just because you have a small budget for a horror movie, doesn't mean you have to settle for less. Just ask Zombie maestro, George A Romero. Unfortunately, his offspring Cameron didn't. Hence, this frustratingly amateurish dungpile.

2/ Twilight
Although release in 2008, I had the misfortune to watch this horrible teen romance in 2009...thus it makes the 2009 list.
Boring, predictable and dull in a way that words cannot describe...even with the presence of vampires that glitter (for fucks sake!) Romantic it might seem on paper, but spending two hours with such selfish, angst ridden teens makes for a miserable experience. Can boring, unintentionally funny and suicidally irritating exist in the same motion picture? It does here.

1/ X-Men Origins: Wolverine



A complete "Fox" up on every level. Telling an unnecessary story (as it had been told in Bryan Singer's X2), Wolverine is the poster-boy for studio interference. There's mutant characters shoved into the mix for no reason, sub-standard FX (Logan's wobbly claws/Patrick Stewarts CG pancake face), unconvincing story elements (er, he keeps his trademark leather jacket after meeting two friendly pensioners for a couple of hours. Yeah right.) Then there's terrible casting (Gambit, fuck off), stupendously dull Canadian locales, a wasted opportunity with the title sequence and small-scale, unmemorable action sequences.

Casting Ryan Reynolds as the wise-cracking Deadpool was inspired. Trust Fox to make the poor bastard mute for the majority of his appearance! The biggest crime goes to star Hugh Jackman who delivers an stereotypical, angry, strong, silent type as Wolverine. Shame, cause he'd previously given Wolvie a sympathetic and amusingly cynical edge. The twat.
A frustratingly irritating movie in all respects. And when you're aware that Brett Ratner's X-men 3 is so much better, your brain just wants to leap out of your skull and throttle your eyeballs. Utter shit.