10/ Happy Feet 2
Fuck off, happy fucking dancing fucking penguins. The only thing saving this wretched sequel were the sporadic adventures of planktons Matt Damon and Brad Pitt.
9/ Piranha 3DD
An exploitation movie that didn’t have the nuts to be an exploitation movie until the final reel. And wasting Gary Busey’s talent like that? Unforgivable.
8/ Storage 24
Unlikable people trapped in a dull warehouse with a shit monster does not make for a good movie. Only Laura Haddock’s blond, plumy Angelina impression stops this from sinking lower.
7/ The Raven
Criminally dull period murder mystery wasting John Cusack’s time and mine too.
6/ The Darkest Hour
Produced by the guy who directed Wanted, this alien invasion flick should have given us something to marvel at other than the unlikability of its lead characters. Muddled and confused on arrival.
5/ Airborne
It was Gemma Atkinson’s boobs that convinced me to watch this glossy but stupid supernatural hijack thriller. Instead, all I got was fatty Mark Hamill chewing the scenery. Thanks a lot boobies.
4/ Universal Soldier Day Of Reckoning
A sequel so boring I tried to cut my wrists but fell asleep before I could think of a way to achieve it.
3/ Botched
When co-workers enthuse about a liitte heard of, British comedy horror that you must, MUST see…ignore them. They are mistaken and the results will psychologically scar you.
2/ Puss In Boots
An animated spin off from the cunting Shrek movies that is practically inviting you to hate every fucking celluloid frame in its being. If depression could be wanked over an audience, this would be the movie to do it.
1/ Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1
Not since the excruciating New Moon has a Twilight movie been so shite. In the 2 hour run time, nothing fucking happens except an awkward wedding, an awkward house move and abusive, awkward sex. Plus Kristen Stewart’s Bella demonstrates, once and for all, she is THE worst role model that a young girl could ever have. When Bella is continually warned that she’ll die without treatment you’re kind of glad she refuses the help. And then she dies. Hoorah! And then she wakes from the dead. Fuck.
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