The F**kwit Family

Horror film, "Perkins 14", tells the tragic tale of the Hopper family. Tragic, but not because of the 14, PCP fueled, teenage zombies, that local nutjob Mr Perkins has had locked in his basement for a decade, have escaped, intent on eating the flesh from the residents of the small American town. No, it's tragic because The Hoppers are the dumbest bunch of fuckwits to ever grace a horror film.

Daddy Fuckwit discovers one of the feral zombie kids is his own, kidnapped 10 years earlier, and therefore won't kill him...even when he continues to devour his colleges, townsfolk and the ol' ball and chain. Then there's Hopper's fuckwit, French whore wife who asks stupid questions and wanders off to get devoured by the flesh eating hoard. Mummy and daddy fuckwit also have an airheaded, rebellious fuckwit daughter who'd rather open the locked prison cell she's hiding in AND give her cannibalistic older brother her shotgun than, er, live.

What a fuckwit.

It's deathly slow to get going, murky and migraine inducing when it does get gain momentum...but any positive the film may gain for it's disemboweling gore effects are smothered under the barmy story of The Fuckwit Family. Perhaps the film is trying to say dysfunctional families should disband rather than try to live together in perpetual misery. Given the retarded logic the Hoppers display...I'd tend to go along with that. However, I suspect that, just like The Fuckwit Family themselves, director Craig Singer hasn't got a logical, decent idea in his noggin either.

The Quick & The Evil Dead

There are three stages to Sam Raimi's career. The first, wild, experimental stage from The Evil Dead to Darkman. The serious, second stage, from A Simple Plan to For The Love Of The Game, proving he could tell a compelling story, without the trademark flourishes. And the third, blockbuster era, encompassing the Spider-man films and Drag Me To Hell. Bridging the first and second era was his Western, The Quick & The Dead starring Sharon Stone as a gunslinger out for revenge against criminal overlord Gene Hackman in a ruthless quick draw tournament.

It's a noticeable attempt by Raimi to make a more mainstream movie by treating the drama in a calmer, more traditional way. However, he employs his lunatic camera techniques every time someone goes near a Colt 45. The gunfights of the tournament are particularly stylish, leaving the audience with no doubts who directed this. Stone is a little weak in the main role, especially opposite the master that is Hackman who relishes his inscrutable villainy. But the supporting actors practically scream "all star cast" with Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio making an impact, years before they broke into the A list. Add to that Lance Henriksen, Keith David, Tobin Bell, Gary Sinese and Pat Hingle and you have a movie full of riches. While the bare-bones simplicity of the plot and characterisations aren't one of those riches, the film is tense, fun and eventful enough to recommend to those who haven't seen it.

Add this to the category of 'better than I remembered it'.

Not Worth Clashing With Unworthy Worthington

The remake of Clash Of The Titans is now the third film I've seen with rising star Sam Worthington as the lead, or costar of the film. And with each film I see, whether it's Terminator Salvation or Avatar, I keep saying "Hmm, he's not that great a leading man. But perhaps he'll be better in his next film." Well, after Clash, I'm not going to say that anymore. Sam Worthington is NOT a leading man. I've never thought he was a bad actor, and he's never been less than convincing in the roles I've seen...but he has limited range and even lesser charisma. And range and charisma are important to leading men in the movies, which is why so many TV actors fail to make the jump to the big screen (right David Caruso?)Your leading man is usually your main character so, if you don't get emotionally invested in him, you don't get emotionally invested in the whole story...no matter what kind of epic craziness is going on. So Sam, sorry, no more please.

To be fair, there's a moment in Clash when Worthington's Demi-God Perseus gives a rousing speech to his men...and in that brief moment, he shines. Perhaps because Worthington is a tough, ultra-masculine bad ass in real life his real personality came out and was allowed to shine. And perhaps if he was given a role where he could play himself, rather than 'a character', he might have a future in the acting business. After all, every time Keanu Reeves tries to act, it's been disastrous (Bram Stoker's Dracula)...but when he plays a dude from the valleys, he positively shines (Point Break, Speed).

Worthington doesn't sink the film at all but it's not good when his co-stars all make more impact than he does. All of his posse, from the noble hardass Mads Mikklesen, the dryly comical Liam Cunningham, and commanding ubber-babe Gemma Arterton all register more strongly than the film's star. Making matters worse are an impressive cast playing the Gods, from the booming Liam Neeson, sinister and creepy Ralph Fiennes (his and Neeson's scenes being the best in the movie) not to mention Jason Fleming's enraged mutant, Pete Postlethwaites defiant father, Polly Walker's provocative Queen and Alexa Davalos's poised, humanitarian Princess. Mr W could take notes from all of them. And even the script, which is majestically shit and underwritten, is no excuse as demonstrated by his co-stars. There's a scene in Clash that reminds me of 1980's campfest Flash Gordon where both heroes, Worthington in Clash and blond lunk Sam Jones in Flash, stand in a throne room and witness huge political happenings which then kick off into an action sequence. And, by holy fuck, Sam Jones makes more of an impact. The prosecution rests.

Not being that interested in Greek mythology or being that familiar with the 1981 original movie, I can't compare how the plot differs from those two sources. However, the 2010 Clash is basically a revenge movie as Perseus seeks revenge upon the Fienne's Hades and the rest of the Gods, by stopping massive sea beast,The Kraken, which is being unleashed to teach mankind a lesson. The simple plot is very dour, quite dark with little humour or characterisation to up the fun factor (which despite it's violent nature, 300 had in spades). The character of Andromeda, whom Perseus had to save in the original, has no real connection with the hero this time out, making her inclusion in this version utterly pointless.

On the plus side the film looks fantastic, from the richly textured, tactile, earth toned sets, locations and photography to the gritty costume design and special effects. While the CGI isn't first rate, it does do a good enough job to create the world of ancient Greece without becoming unnecessarily distracting. The Gorgon Medusa has the worst time of it being a reminder of The shitty Scorpion King, several years back.

The action serves to distract from the skeletal plot as well, with the giant Scorpion fight being particularly tense and inventive. The Medusa encounter works pretty well also, although Perseus's buddies do get dispatched a little too quickly to be truly tense and entertaining.

In the end this reminds me a lot of director Louis Letterier's previous film, The Incredible Hulk. That also had a weak leading man, special effects that weren't quite 100% and fantastically designed and stylised visuals. And just like Clash, I felt a little distant from proceedings, and dare I say, borderline bored in a few instances. But fortunately, just like that Hulk sequel, there were large, brutish creatures, to smash shit up where the going got dull. And sometimes that can be all that you need.

Fish And Custard! Who Da Man!

Unlike a movie where the main creative direction comes from the director, on a TV show it's the producer who exerts the greatest artistic control on the project, which then sifts through to the writers, then the regular cast...finally ending up with the director for hire. So when a long running TV series like Doctor Who (46 years...or 6 in it's current, rebooted incarnation) has a complete change in it's primary talent, it's always concerning/exciting to see how the show will inevitably change. Fortunately for us the BBC put Stephen Moffatt in charge and, judging by his first episode as show runner, it's a brilliant step forward from the Russell T Davis years.

Moffatt has the challenging job of balancing certain agendas and story elements, and does this by essentially producing a new pilot for the show. In it, he lays out his mission statement for the show:-

1/ Making it new again. It's Moffatt's belief that Doctor Who is at it's best when it's reinventing itself...so that each new generation of childen that begin to watch it, firmly believes this is THEIR program, and THEIR definitive incarnation of The Doctor.

So, first off we have a brand new Doctor played by Matt Smith. I think that with this first episode, The Eleventh Hour, it's a little unfair to judge his performance as his character is constantly evolving and finding himself throughout...but early indications are extremely positive. He has the eccentricity, charisma and mild arrogance that's required to play the role and he has a pleasing Peter Davidsonesque energy about him that I'd like to see more of. We also get a new companion, Amy Pond, in the shape of cute-as-fuck Karen Gillan. Cynical, feisty, witty and emotionally damaged, it's going to be fun to see how her relationship with The Doctor develops over the course of the season.

The Tardis gets an impressive redesign, inside and out this year too. Subtle changes on the exterior mean the shape is more in line with the Hartnell years and the box itself has been reconstructed to shine in Hi-Def. The new interior is a mixture of the hi-tech and retro, as well as the futuristic and the organic. I loved it in the Davidson years that we got to see some other Tardis rooms and, with the addition of different levels and staircases in the console room, we might get to see just that.

The title sequence has altered too into a darker, more nightmarish version of the time vortex we're all used to seeing while, as expected, the main theme has become at once more electronic (referencing it's roots) and more choral (to give it an even greater, epic feel). Returning composer Murray Gold hasn't stopped there, delivering a powerful score with memorable new themes that hopefully will reappear throughout the season.

2/ The Story. The new adventure, as scripted by the show-runner himself, follows Moffatt's Mantra, which is evident in nearly all his Doctor Who stories. So, no one ends up being killed, and there's a primal enemy (the monster who'll get you if you blink, monsters that live in your own shadows...or the monster that lives in the crack in
your bedroom wall or exists only in the corner of your eye.) Then there's The Doctor's out-of-sequence relationship with the leading lady across different time periods, plus the fact he must persuade and inspire the leading lady to save the world at a critical moment. Oh, and it must end on a major high, despite the darkness that's come before it. All are present and correct here, which only serve to strengthen the story.

As well as story elements being introduced that only serve this hour long episode, characters and situations are carefully planted that will no doubt be referred to as the series progresses. Rory the male nurse will undoubtedly be back, as well as the mystery of the cracks in the universe and the 'silence' that is ominously approaching. And of course there's the drama of Amy's wedding, which she may or may not make it back in time for.

3/ The tone. Just as Russell T. Davis brought a personal agenda to Doctor Who (gay characters and an occasional camp exuberance) so it appears Stephen Moffatt will too. In this case he's subtly transforming Doctor Who into a dark fairy-tale. And on a couple of different levels this is a pretty clever idea.

In story terms, the fairy tale is Amy Pond's. As a little girl she had a friendship with a mythical creature who lived at the bottom of her garden. But rather than it being a fairy or pixie, it was a mad man in a blue box. And this belief in the 'imaginary friend' (that no one else ever saw) was so great that it haunted her into adulthood. And then, after therapy, cynicism and disillusionment has all but wiped that belief away...The Doctor reappears. So instead of it being like the pilot episode 'Rose' where Billie Piper aids The Doctor to fulfill her true potential as a human being...Amy's story is one of regaining her faith, not in religion or God, but in The Doctor. The main narrative thrust is that inside adult Amy is still a little girl who can free her imagination and believe in the fantastical as she once did (like writing to Santa at Easter). So when adult Amy traps The Doctor in the car door, he confronts her and challenges her to believe once more, in a beautifully and hypnotically realised shot (using lens flares and slow motion), that is the emotional, pivotal moment of the whole episode.

Eyes are used in many a movie to communicate the concept of belief. Just look at 'A Matter Of Life Or Death' or 'Blade Runner' to see the visual references to the subtext. Here Moffatt weaves 'seeing' and 'eyes' into the plot to strengthen Amy's story. Prisoner Zero's true form can only be seen out of the corner of your eye while the alien Atraxi resemble giant eyeballs. It's not an accident when Matt Smith walks through the holographic image of David Tennant's face at the climax and exclaims "I'm The Doctor", it's a giant eye that he's talking too. Seeing IS believing, and the Atraxi do indeed believe as they bugger off and leave Earth alone. Also, when The Doctor rushes off in the Tardis, without saying goodbye to poor Amy, after the final Atraxi confrontation, she slowly closes her eyes. In this case, she literally no longer sees The Doctor, which means in that moment, she no longer has her faith and believes in him. I suspect the cynical Amy will be again trying to regain her faith in the fairytale Doctor as the series progresses.

I think it's working on a couple of other levels too. Moffatt has stated in interviews that although Doctor Who is primarily a children's programme, it has, and should continue to, appeal to adults as well. And in the story of Amy Pond, I think Moffatt is daring his adult audience to be just like Amy; to suspend your disbelief and embrace your inner Amelia and come on an adventure with The Doctor. The companion has always been the audience's entry-point into the bizarre world of Doctor Who and crazy weirdos the Timelord encounters. But with Amy he's almost preaching to the unconverted who may be tuning into Doctor Who for the first time and challenging them to have faith, and come along and have fun with it. Again when The Doctor convinces Amy to believe him for 20 minutes or when he convinces the Atraxi he IS the latest reincarnation of the Timelord, he's not just talking to those characters...he's talking to us, the audience. Adults can believe too.

Finally, I think this works on a personal level for Moffatt. He's been a self confessed Doctor Who fan since he was a little boy and has admitted that the executive producer role on the show was his dream job. Indeed he quited his gig on the Tintin movie, with Steven Spielberg AND Peter Jackson no less, so he could take the job. And so a part of Amy's story is his story too. In the episode's final shot we get to see Amy's cartoons of the mythical 'Raggedy Doctor'. Amy's obviously kept the cartoons so she hasn't completely lost her faith in The Doctor. And then he came into her life in a more permanent way. One gets the feeling those are actually Moffatt's childhood cartoons and his faith has been rewarded by running the show in a more permanent way.

Fast, funny, clever, multi-layer and imaginative. This IS the Doctor Who we'd been hoping for. Can't wait to see where the new series takes us.

I Have Seen The Light (And It's Not A Pretty Sight)

Star Wars - Episode I - The Phantom Menace is hated by many, many people. In 1999 it was the most hotly anticipated film of all time (even by myself) and, upon it's release, disappointed the general cinema going public and hardcore fans alike. While I can recognise the film's flaws, I've never despised the film in the way that others do (just look at Simon Pegg's Spaced to see how it mentally scared geeks.)

Until now perhaps.

The Internet phenomenon of Harry S. Plinkett has been brought to my attention, forever altering my perception of Episode I. If you haven't been fortunate enough to watch his movie reviews on YouTube then allow me to explain. Plinkett is renowned for his 70 minute Episode I review. The review itself is highly detailed and savagely dissects the plot, characters and film-making of the movie. There are things that Plinkett exposes about the construction of Episode I's screenplay that makes you want to slap yourself and exclaim, "why didn't I notice that!" or "yeah man, that's always bothered me too!"

The reviews are made even more entertaining by the fact that the geek reviewer Plinkett is also a fictional character...one whose wives have all been brutally killed in mysterious circumstances and who appears to have terrified hookers chained in his basement.

Both insightful and very, very, funny, Plinkett has also provided 40 minute reviews for the four Star Trek Next Generation movies as well as for Avatar. Today has brought us the long anticipated Attack of the Clones review which stands at an impressive 90 minutes. To give you an idea of where it's going, Plinkett describes Episode II as, "the worst thing made by a human...except the bagpipes." So you can follow the link HERE to check it out or head over to Plinkett's website HERE, to catch the remainder of his stuff.

It'll change your life, man...

Wacky Racing With Captain Chaos

In the 1970's director Hal Needham and megastar Burt Reynolds were pretty much responsible for the creation of a popular genre...which they dominated all to themselves; the stunt movie. From Hooper to Smokey & The Bandit, the pair dominated the action comedy scene of the late 70's and early 80's. Best of the bunch, for me, was The Cannonball Run; a wacky races inspired, illegal road race across the US land mass, from coast to coast.

With pretty much no plot to speak of, the film is a series of gags and outrageous vehicular stunts as a diverse combination of speed freaks compete to be the fastest, in a race with no rules. The masterstroke here was to team Reynolds up with an all star cast including Dom Deluise (clearly having way too much fun with Reynolds), Farrah Fawcett, Roger Moore (sending himself up as vain and egotistical), Dean Martin (hilarious as a horny drunk, disguised as a priest) and Sammy Davis Jnr, Adrienne Barbeau, Peter Fonda and Jackie Chan (showing that slapstick needs not subtitles to succeed). Jack Elam steals the show as Dr Van Helsing, a medical man of hideous appearance and questionable professionalism.

The gags have a pretty high success rate and the film wisely keeps a larger than life, cartoonish quality, which amplifies the giggles. The outtakes, over the end credits, are perhaps the films funniest moments, showing what a good time the cast had making it. Fortunately that sense of fun is all up on screen.

The Resiliant Bahstads Go Cliffhanging

In many way, Sylvester Stallone's 1993 hit Cliffhanger is like his earlier smash Rambo First Blood Part 2. Obviously it's a dumb, bullshit action thriller but it's much bigger than that simple description. Like Rambo, Cliffhanger is a simple series of ever escalating action set-pieces, filmed on an epic scale, in an extreme, exotic location and delivered in a huge, operatic style. It's also a Die Hard clone as well. Like Under Siege and Passenger 57, you have a team of criminals pulling a caper in an enclosed environment...where only a capable, but solitary man can foil their plans, and free the hostages the baddies have taken. So in Cliffhanger you have a heist, where the money is being recovered from the Rocky Mountains, where the Mountain Rescue team are being held against their will...and only Rambo, er Rocky, er Gabe Walker can stop them. Yeah!

It's Renny Harlin's best movie due to some wiser-than-normal artistic choices. To counteract the bullshit nature of the script he chose to hire Alex Thomson as his photographer. The result is a grounded, realistic feel where the muted colours and rugged texture of the landscape are expertly captured. Trevor Jones delivers a great score (once he's finished ripping off his own Last Of The Mohican's soundtrack) it being distinctive as well as grand and operatic, like the Rambo music. The Rocky Mountain locations (really the Italian Alps) are beautiful and epic in a way no other movie has captured on film.

The whole cast are spot on. Stallone finds a character that works perfectly for his screen persona; a physically outstanding and smart professional combined with a vulnerable everyman personality. Michael Rooker balances aggrieved and pissed off nicely with the loyal and heroic aspects of his character. Janine Turner gets the 2D girlfriend role but at least she's strong willed and cute. Surprisingly for a action movie where characterisation is secondary, the henchmen have been cast so as to be distinctive and memorable. Whether it be Rex Linn's argumentative Travers, Leon's confrontational Kynette, Caroline Goodall's posh-totty Kristel or (personal favorite) Craig Fairbrass's cockney football fanatic Demar, getting to know these guys actually ups the tension when Sly, Rooker and company take them on. Dominating them all is John Lithgow's megalomaniac Eric Quelen, with his brilliantly over the top upper class, contemptuous English accent.

Great thought has been put into the design and execution of the set-pieces, which are imaginative and incredibly filmed. The opening "you're not gonna die" rope-dangling sequence is perhaps it's most tense, but is given a run for it's money shortly after in the excitement stakes. The unique environment is milked dry for imaginative action beats from the use of bats, ice rivers, rickety bridges, rescue helicopters, avalanches, weak rope and faulty climbing gear. The most impressive stunt is perhaps the transfer of a man on a rope between two jet airplanes, thousands of feet above the ground. Priceless.

Harlin films all this with the aid of near flawless special effects and some incredible, new camera rigs and some genuinely shit-your-pants stunts. One of the film's early shots of the camera panning around and over a helicopter while a climber ascends in the background, while people await rescue on the peak (all in one, dynamic shot) I still find astounding. The success of the movie can be seen in the film's trailer, which I still feel (perhaps along with 300) as the best film advert ever cut. For each film trailer the marketing department has to scour the footage to find the most impressive shots that will lure an audience into the movie theatre. It's a testament to Cliffhanger that the whole trailer is bursting at the seams with such money shots, whether it be crashing helicopters (still much better to the similar one in The Matrix), slow motion leaping over cliffs and the mesmerising effect of bullets impacting on ice! It was one of the first trailers to dispense with dialogue and rely on powerful choral music, proving that trailer cutting is an art form unto itself.

So like Rambo, don't dismiss Cliffhanger for it's lack of brain. Instead, admire it's brawn.