Virtuality: The Revenge Of The Holodeck

Ron Moore is TV's God. JJ Abrams has passed the buck to his Lost and Fringe co-producers while he fannys around in movie land. Joss is back in TV land...but Joss don't wanna be funny...unless he's blogging on the net with Dr Horrible. So it's up to Mr Moore. Battlestar Galactica, the greatest TV show of the decade, has finished. The pilot for its prequel Caprica was daring and rather bloody good.

And he's at it again with new science fiction pilot Virtuality. Set on the Space exploration ship Phaeton in the near future, a small crew of astronauts prepare to leave the solar system on a ten year mission to a local star, in a bid to save the Earth from environmental collapse. To help the crew psychologically, theve installed a virtual reality system (like Treks holodeck but in goggle form).

The space mission itself privides a strong bedrock for drama. But Moore adds to this a bunch of professionals, who all have very troubled personalities, even before the mission begins. Then there's the virtual reality angle; there's a murderer/rapist in the dream world thats apparently not part of the program. So who's the evil programmer on the crew. And who killed that key crew member at the pilot's climax?

In true Ron Moore fashion, the premise leaves the writers free to explore philosoiphy, religion, psychology and sociology...as with all good ship shows, it puts a cross-section of society under the microscope. It even deals with news, media, fame and the nature of reality as the crews mission is streamed to Eath in a Big Brother, fly-on-the-wall documentary.

It's brilliant, and under Peter Bergs confident direction, the reality TV feel for the piece really comes off. All it's missing is the explosions.
And that's the downside...to the shows continued production. It's being produced by the Fox network, a company that has already shown its distain for fantasy based TV (see Dollhouse/The Sarah Connor Chronicles) by dumping Virtuality in the infamous Friday Night Death Slot...where TV show go to die. It appears this is the case as this intelligent and gripping pilot was unwatched by nearly everyone.
Unless the Sci-fi channel pick this up, Virtuality is doomed. But when they're about to unleash another Stargate series, I have little faith in the future of smart sci-fi on TV. Fingers crossed with Caprica.

1968 - A Space Odessey

2001: A Space Odessey. A movie that has inspired many of todays legendary directors from James Cameron, David Fincher to George Lucas. It's mixture of philosophical contempation, startling artistic vision, future predicting confidence and unflinching intellect. There is no way...no way in hell...a big budget movie such as this would get made today. Not unless there were some big arse explosions.

Kubrick, ever the perfectionist, produces his most impressive work here. The photgraphy simply beautiful. The effects, a stunningly relistic prediction of future space exploration. Despite the slow pace the story never drags...the images, themes, and steadily building suspense and mystery is so compelling that boredom doesn't get a look in.

And, Holy Zeus's Cat, is it iconic; HAL's big red eyes, the Monolith, the spacestation, the Discovery, the 'stargate', the Starchild...even the futuristic air-hostesses...each image and sequence brilliantly framed and imagined.

Maybe 20 years from now, when recording on a HI Def digital format is inexpensive and movie quality visual effects can be produced quickly and cheaply at home, an ambitious film-making nerd will suddenly present to the world a science fiction film of similar influential potential as 2001. Until then, our though provoking science fiction is going to be of the Terminator variety; smarts, blood squids and explosions.

Bloody Sword Wielding Lunatic - The Last Vampire

Blood: The Last Vampire, like its main character, is a bit of a crazy hybrid of a movie. It's an English language, French-Japanese co-production, filmed in Japan...and mostly set on an American Air Force base...starring a mixture of French, Japanese, American, English and Irish actors. That mixture has been cited by many critics as the movies greatest weakness...but I think it is its greatest asset.

That weird concoction of world actors, most of them speaking in a language or accent that isn't their own..give the whole affair a Highlander vibe (oh yes, that is cool).
The French/Japanese blend gives the film the balls an unimaginative and gutless (if made by a US studio, it would be watered down to Pg-13, no doubt) American action-movie wouldn't have. The look is raw. The tone freaky and edgey. The blood-letting overblown.

On the downside, it lacks any kind of originality...or a more clear vision of how to pull the material off to give it its own identity. The title character, Saya, is half-human, half vampire...whose mom went bad (much like Blade). She's a vamp with a soul (see TV's Angel). She's a vampire slayer that attends high school and who answers to a mysterious council (see Buffy). The army base scenes give a vibe from 93's Body Snatchers. The teens in Tokyo remind one of Tokyo Drift. The fight scenes recall Kill Bill and Jet Li's Hero. Even the truck chase is ripped directly, including truck design...winged vampire...to location, from Underworld 2.

But the action comes thick and fast, a bit too fast in places as Corey Yuen's impressive fight scenes are edited beyond comprehension in the first major ruckus. The effects are mostly passable with the exception of some shockinly realised flying demons. I didn't know you could make CGI so bad it would look like crap stop motion animation impressive.

Not bad...simply top notch, 3 star, Saturday-night-with-popcorn entertainment. But I can't help but think there's a lunatic cult film of Highlander proportions buried in there somewhere.

Mediocrity In Connecticut

Either the director of A Haunting In Connecticut thinks that The Amityville Horror is the greatest film ever made...or he's never seen it, or any other haunted house movie. Ever. It's like he's obtained the Universal Playbook of making haunted house movies and he's following it...step by step.

It's just overwhelmed by lack of originality. There's the huge, decaying, creepy middle american house that the property developer want's to sell cheap and fast. There's the hidden clues under the floorboards and the unnaturally freaky basement. There's the loyal exorcist. There's even the bog standard exposition scene as the family research old newspaper clippings for the cause of their mishaps. The film-makers try to, unsucessfully, make us think that the ghosts are all the hallucinations of the eldest son whose receiving cancer treatment. Yawn.

No good scares. No fresh story. No outstanding performances. This film exists in the ghostly netherworld of mediocrity. Somebody get an exorcist and put it out of its misery.

'Arry Gobbles Fire

Despite it being the most action-packed and having the most distinctly different plot of the Harry Potter movies to date, The Goblet Of Fire is the movie I have trouble remembering the most. I kinda remember the Tri-Wizard tornament, the Christmas ball, the dragon fight and that someone dies at the end...but I couldn't remember how it all fitted together.

It really doesn't matter. Even with the inclusion of those distinctive scenes, Harry Potter 4 is pretty much like the first 3 movies. The kids go to school for a year. The same teachers are there apart from the Dark arts professor, who will contribute to the narrative in a major way. There's no immediate threat as the story takes place over a 9 month period so the intrigue is derived from a mystery. That mystery end with the revelation that Vordamort is trying to regain his fleshy, earth-bound form. The only real way Goblet differs substantially is that He Who Shall Not Be Named actually succeeds this time.

It's well made...the effects are impressive...the kids are acting better with every installment...and it's much faster paced than the previous 2 efforts. Plus it's always a thrill to see the cream of British thesps thrashing it out in the same scenes (Michael Gambon, Maggie Smith, Robbie Coltrane, Brendan Gleeson, Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman...oh, and Warwick Davis).

At least things picked up after this with The Order The Phoenix. Despite Mike Newell's pedigree, TV hack David Yates is a much classier man to steer the franchise to it's conclusion.

Grade D for St Trinians

The difference between the kids of today and the young folk of yesteryear is that, naughty though they may be, they knew the limits when confronting authority figures. Teen morality has changed, as it always does. In the old days putting a whoopee cusion on the Headmasters chair was a serious offence. The kids of today would just stab the bastard.

And thats part of the problem with the recent updating of St Trinian. Just like the old Britsh black and white comedies, the students are unruley, undisciplined trouble-makers. But head girl, Gemma Arterton, and chums are all rather quaint in their disruptiveness. It's what a 5 year old or a 75 year old might think a failing school might be like. In reality it would be much much more disturbing. And if 5 year olds or 75 year olds is who they're aiming this misfire at, then fine. But the rest of us aren't buying it.

The comedy rarely works and the heist caper introduced half way through does little to elevate thing...simply being a retread of better movies. The cast, including Rupurt Everett, Colin Firth, Ruissell Brand, Lena Heady, Celia Imrie, Anna Chancellor and Stephen Fry battle the weak script valiantly, but to no avail (although lets aknowledge the older students assets).
If there was a brave script-merchant or director attached then they were sent to detention before production began.

...And They All Lived Happily Ever After...Well, Content For A Short While

An odd thing is happening. Apart from the brilliant Happy Gilmore, I never used to like Adam Sandler vehicles. Little Nicky is embarassingly unfunny. The Longest Yard makes me want to punch the screen in frustration. But the odd Sandler movie has shone through recently from Anger Management to Don't Mess With The Zohan. He consistantly makes adult comedies...even if they are a little watered down to PG-13s these days.

So now I've begun to get Sandler, he's ventured into Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy territory by producing a high concept kids movies. Disney's Bedtime Stories is fine; a well produced, predictable rom-com plot meets 'reckless bloke learns responsibility' story (that is the backbone of all Eddie Murphy family features). It's a solid Boxing Day afternoon childrens movie that adults can enjoy as well. Nothing more, nothing less.

Will we now see a dramatic drop in quality from Sandler. After all...Steve Martin procuces a good movie once a decade these days. Here's hoping not.

Headmaster, You Can Suck The Messiah's Balls

The God Who Wasn't There is another in a string of anti religion documentaries. Unlike the more informative Zeitgeist or the more entertaining REligulous, this one comes from a more personal perspective.

The movie tries to examine if Jesus existed, looking at historical documents, and of scripture that was known to be written as close as to the lifetime of Christ as possible. The historical stuff is the most interesting as much of the other information has been covered in greater depth in other documentaries.

Where it takes a unique turn is the revelation that the director, Brian Flemming , was taught in a Religous School and was a born again Christian. Having explored the facts and expressed the fear that was imposed on him as a child, he proceeds to question the Headmaster of the School.

It's not the belief that Flkemming questions but the inflexible arrogence it's imposed on others. Mint. Check out Bill Maher's Religulous first though.

Places To Avoid On Holiday: France

I tend not to watch many horror movies at home. It's the same as beer. I find there's more pleasure in the social experience of both. So if I do end up watching a horror movie at home, it's gotta be bloody good to hold my attention.

Alexandre Aja's Switchblade Romance (aka, Haute Tension) is that movie. As with most great horror, it's not original with it's story...but stunning in it's execution. Marie travels with friend Alexia (whom she secretly fancies) to visit her mate's family in the remote, French countryside. Then a nutter turns up and starts slaughtering everyone.

Marie is a complicated character who holds the film together throughout. The tension is build to extreme levels and is only relieved during several particularly brutal murders.

You either go with the twist...or you don't. But it adds an extra layer as you have to relive the early parts of the movie to get a handle on the shgock revelation. And it provides an extra 10 minutes of beautifully staged carnage to an already brutal splatterfest.

Along with Frontiers and Martyrs, the French are the current kings of global horror.
Which country will be next to rise to the challenge? Brazillian zombie movies or maybee Antarctican stalk n slash?

Michael Bay: The Eighth Wonder of the World

When examining the excesses of Michael Bay's Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, one must consider Bay's legendary reputation for explosions (as shown in the above video). In Transformers 2, that reputation is not only intact, but thriving.

Bay's orignal 2007 movie had several things going in its favor:-
1/ Spielberg's Dreamworks studio was footing most of the bill, so the budget (and therefore Bay's vision) was restricted until it could be proven that Transformers could be a sizable box office hit (of course, it was). Those restrictions were a good thing, forcing Bay to milk the most spectacle out of more mundane situations as well as pace his excesses...so he didn't run out of money.
2/ There was plenty of time to work on the script back in 2006/2007 as the Hollywood writers had no desire to strike. Therefore the plot was much tighter, stremlined...and when there were the inevitable goofy character's-havin-fun-banter stuff, it was part of the story, and didn't last long.
3/ The concept was new to a whole generation in 2007...and presented in a fresh, exciting way when put into the hands of visionary Bay. The Transformers were powerful, mysterious, balancing the alien with the familiar. Because it took half a movie to set the Autobot characters up, they felt more enigmatic due to their lack of screen time.

Without these parameters, the sequel suffers.


With an extra $50-$60 million to spend on locations, hardware, running-time and visual effects...Bay is off the leash and out of control. The fights go on a bit too long, losing sight of the objective of the scrap..and there are too many Transformers to register in the memory...the poor robots from the first film barely make an impact. The ones that do are twenty times more irritating than even the jive talkin' Jazz was in the first film. If Jar Jar Binks is in digital heaven, then new characters, The Twins, will be his bitches.

The script is overlong and meandering, with no real depth or jeopardy being created.
Returning Josh Duhmal has NO character arc at all this time (and it was slight in the first movie). The story is a less urgent retread of the first (the Decepticons are after the macguffin, the shard of the All-Spark, PLUS they want The Matrix of Leadership, a key that will activate a machine that will destroy the sun, and harvest it's energy). Instead of more end-of-the-world intensity (that's why Transformers/Armageddon/The Rock work so well) you just get tons more basil expostion scenes as people dump BS sci-fi explainations of the madness that is to follow. It in these long scenes that apathy rules.

It's the loss of the mythic where the movie falls down the most, despite the increased scope of the visuals. The archetypal boy-becomes-a-man plot is replaced in the sequel by a teen angst love story that irritates more than entertains. And the mythic Bay montage sequences with accompanying rousing music are completely missing from the Autobot scenes. Because there's more dialogue with the robots themselves, the movie feels more kiddyish this time round...and it also undercuts the enigmatic quality of the metal aliens. The Fallen is a ranting non-threat...which impacts on poor old Megatron and Starscream...who come away from the affair as bickering twats.

Despite the drop in quality, it's still fun ride. Bay is unmatched in the complex beauty of his cinema compositions or in the application of explosions in mainstream movies. The money is up there on the screen from the Egyptian locations, sumptous and gritty cinematography to the jaw dropping quality of the effects (as good as the original). Megan Fox once again induces mutiple cup-filling, as does Isobel Lucas as the evil fembot. As for the story...the action IS exciting....the humor IS funny...and the visuals ARE engaging. Bay is a visionary, and that vision is on the screen. But if the room full on monkeys with typewriters had a few more months and the director had a few more tranquilisers to keep Bay at bay...there might have been a better movie here.

Costner Will Have His Rewengay

Inbetween the mega-hits that were Days of Thunder and Beverly Hills Cop II, director Tony Scott took on a dream project called Revenge. It's a slight tale of a retired jet pilot (Kevin Costner) who goes to visit his mexican gangster friend (Anthony Quinn)...and ends up screwing his wife (the babelicious Madeline Stowe). Quinn gets angry and beats up Costner and imprisons Stowe. Costner recovers, and beats up Quinn's men while looking for Stowe.

Thats about it really. It's Scott, so it's all very pretty with sunsets and smoke machines on every corner. But it takes an age for anything to happen, and when it does, it's done with unnecesary slow motion effects and lackluster editing. Plus everybody's rather unpleasent and unlikable. Non of the main characters are innocent so, while you kind of hope true love finds its course, you are really at peace with the movie if true love doesn't succeed.

It doesn't.

Morgan Freeman Is Terrible In Movie Shocker

Lawrence Kasden's Dreamcatcher is one of the most miscast movies ever. And I'm not so much refering to the cast, as I am about the director.

Kasden's a serious director. He treats Stephen King's novel with respect, with an ample budget, beautiful cinematography and a top notch cast. But the bugnuts plot required a little less respect and a bit more irreverence to make it work. There's three main sections to Dreamcatcher:-
1/ Four best friends, all posessing various ESP abilities, get together for the twentieth year running, in a log cabin for a winter break. While there a mysterious infection hits the locals, resulting in egg spewing slugs (Shitweasels) to coming ripping out of the infected person's arsehole. The mixture of horror and ESP is all very The Shining, and this bit of the movie works the best.
2/ An Army General (an overacting and woefully miscast Morgan Freeman) is brought in to deal with the contaigon. Freeman knows it's ET's that are the cause and is hellbent on destroying them, no matter the cost. It's the batshit Freeman stuff, interacting with subordinate Tom Sizemore, that grates the most. It's from an entirely diffent movie, coming across as dumb, corny, cliched and shlocky. If Freeman had been replaced by Steven Segal, it would've felt more appropriate.
3/ Damien Lewis gets possessed by an Alien, called Mr Grey. Damien talks to himself. So the real Damien has a US accent and Mr Grey talks with an excitable, hammy upper-class British accent. It's surreal and very very silly. And if Kasden had enough sense to take a note from James Gunn's Sliver (had it been made then), then presenting the movie in a tongue in cheek way might have made the movie more consistant in tone, and much more believable.

So what you get is a beautifully made movie that is engaging and facinating to watch...for all the wrong reasons. Morgan Freeman is really really bad. The aliens, in their climactic form, have escaped from a Stephen Sommers movie. And while conceptually sound, the sight of Damien Lewis talking to his possessed self is worthy of a Will Ferrel comedy, not a King adaptation. Maybe watching this stoned makes it work?

Clint Is S#*t Out Of Sequels

If you made The Dead Pool in 2009, it would probably be heralded as a gloriously nostalgic recreation of early '70's cop thillers. But Clind Eastwoods fifth Dirty Harry movie was made in 1988, when movies like 48 Hrs, Beverly Hills Cop II, Lethal Weapon and Die Hard were redefining the adult cop genre.

At the time it looked hopelessly old fashioned. And it still does. It doesn't help that this entry into the series is dumber that that which preceded it...revolving around a hit list of local celebrities, including Clint himself. It tries to delve into the nature of fame and celebrity but is more content in giving Detective Callaghan witty one-liners and opportunities to shoot people in the head. It seems odd that the only way the franchise was updated was by dumbing it down to 'Cobra' proportions.

What's still cool, however, is the car chase between Harry and a remote controlled car. It's a unique twist on a tired formula and works as a humorous parody of the classic Bullit chase. Thankfully, director Buddy Van Horn went back to being Clint's Stunt Co-ordinator after this.

The End Of The World - Part 3: Armageddon

If you're going to show an end-of-the-world senario on film, then there's only two people you need too call; Roland Emmerich or Michael Bay. Emmerich will get his cosmological disaster movie, 2012, off the ground later this year. But in 1998, the call went to Michael Bay.

Armageddon is Bay's best film, im my opinion. First off, it's got a really, really good script. It doesn'y muck around; it presents the global threat right before the main credits and applies the pressure from there on. It's got a fantastic group of characters that Bay was able to bring alive with a talented, ad-libbing cast from Bruce Willis, Ben Afleck, Will Patten, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Michael Duncan Claerke, William Fitchner and gold ol' Billy Bob.

Half the movie is set up, and despite the goofing around of the drilling team, Bay never lets us forget the threat of extinction or the price of faliure. The longer the set up, the more the stakes are increased once the mission proceeds.

The mission itself is a typically explosion, event filled explosion fest. The photography, set-design and visual effects are highly stylised making Armageddon a suprisingly unique visual feast. The script milks every drop of tension from the premise from malfuntioning equipment, differences of opinion, interfering Army Generals, unforseen technical complications and, of course, space dementia!

What makes this, rather than breaks it, is it's set in Bayworld where the characters can be both normal everymen, and yet mythic heroes....and where impossible imaginary landsapes and obstacles can be conjured, yet be overcome with cunning, perseverance and faith. It's impossibly dumb yet it never feels dumb at all. Take the shuttle launch; a slow motion montage of people around the globe reacting to the President's speach while the shuttle crews strut the right stuff. It should be cringe inducingly corny, incredibly over-sentimental, and obviously cliched. Yet, in Bay-world, it all seems profoundly and powerfully mythic, as the knights go off to slay the dragon. It's the gift of Bay...when Bay is working at his peak.

The End Of The World - Part 2: Deep Impact

Back in 1998, two Hollywood studio's rushed to get their 'meteor-hits-the-Earth' movie out first. The first to arrive was Dreamwork's Deep Impact, directed by The Peacemaker's Mimi Leder. In typical '70's disaster movie fashion, it take forever to get going. We meet friends and families of the main characters as well as get thrown into a political mystery we already know the answer to, before the movie starts.

But once the impact of the Comet is announced things pick up. We bounce between the space mission (restrained, but high quality spaceship effects) to preparation of the government and families on Earth. Deep impact considers itself an ernest drama, and is intent on showing how a cometary collision would affect our planet's residents.

Deep Impact is very watchable, once it gets going, but it's trying too hard to be 'serious' and 'worthy'. The special effects of the comet's collision look seriously dated in some shots...and you can't help but think that Roland Emmerich is laughing his arse off at their petty attempt at metropolitan destruction.

The End Of The World - Part 1: Impact

TV Mini-series; what's the point? At once, not worthy enough for full blow television series production or too tacky, too dumb or too boring for movie consideration.

Impact is a 2 part, 4 hour mini series shown on the Sci-Fi channel. It's essentially a more conceptually insane take on Meteor, Deep Impact and Armageddon. A rogue piece of Brown Dwarf Star, 3 times the mass of the Earth, imbeds its self on impact into our Moon. This alters the magnetic and graitational properties of the Moon, putting it on a 39 day collision course with Earth. OMG!

Cool twist on a reliable, drama-laden concept. But what has been repeatedly proven to be nail-bitingly good in a two-hour movie format ends up being yawn-worthy in mini-series form.Who cares if the scientist's wife is preggers. Who care's about another scientist's kids. What about or impending extintion? No attempt is made to show the affect of the disaster on the Earth's population. And when it is finally shown, everybody is at peace with themselves and the Universe. I know this is a fantasy programming...but come on!!!

Natash Henstridge is her usual wooden self while James Cromwell is crotchity in a pointless role. The effects are what you'd expect from a mini-series...comfortably awful. Watch on fast-forward fore best effect.

Streetfighter: The Legend of Chris Klein

Wise man says, "if you lower your expectations low enough, you can enjoy any piece of crap". And so it is with Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. On the downside it's produced by Twentieth Century Fox, a company thats proven it has no respect for it's properties (take this year with Dragonball Evolution or Wolverine). Then it's directed by Andrzej Bartkowiak, the hack behind Doom, Cradle 2 The Grave and Exit Wounds. Bring on the boredom.

BUT...it's not that bad. Predictable. Check (the usual revenge story, mixed with the evil property developer evicts humble poor people - plot). Unexciting. Check (wasn't wire-work deemed outdated half-a-decade ago?). Humour. Nope. Can't have too much fun can we.

But on a basic action thriller level it's potters along just fine, not badly directed or acted, just never pushing the boundries of what a martial arts thriller can be in 2009. Push does the same kind of thing with the same kind of tone but tries a lot harder. Kristen Kreuk is lovely...mixing a vulnerable acting style with the bod of a babe who can kick arse. The supporting cast tick the right boxes from Moon Bloodgood, Michael Clarke-Duncan to Neal McDonough.

Special mention to Chris Klein who delivers a facinating performance that is just all kinds of awful. You may remember Klein as the talentless plank who scuppered Mctiernan's Rollerball remake. Here he manages to be both an over-actor...and a emtionless plank at the same time. The body is channeling Nicholas Cage (if Mr Cage were zombified , fuelled by fairy liquid and taught acting by Willian Shatner's wig). The voice is channeling, as usual, Keanu Reeves circa 1988. The eyes. Well, the eyes are channelling nothing. Nada. Zip. Nowt. Not an ounce of emotion behind those souless pieces of coal.

And thats quite a combination.

So the 2009 incarnation od Streetfighter won't kill ya. But Klein's performance just might.

Autobot Bayham

Michael Bay really shouln't try so hard. When he does, his movies tend to fall a little flat. Bad Boys II tries to be too cool. Result; it isn't. Pearl Harbour and The Island try to be too serious. Result; they're not. When Michael Bay relaxes and produces a natural, entertaining mix of action, comedy, drama and fantasy the results are impressive; see The Rock, Armageddon and his 2007 hit Transformers.

The comedy stuff is naturalistic high school boy-likes-girl stuff, straight out of an Amblin family movie. The Pentagon and Marines stuff is straight out of high tension contemprary war thriller. The Transformers inhabit a type of fantasy film-making that only John Woo knows how to inhabit properly...a powerful balancing of the rediculously corny with the profoundly mythic (see the Autobots arrival on earth or the shuttle launch in Armageddon for Bays trademark balancing act in action).

The cast deliver both comedically and dramatically. LeBeuf deserves star status, John Tuturro is comedy gold, Megan Fox wooden (but dear God, who cares), Rachael Taylor under-ratedly spankworthy, and Kevin Dunn and Julie White the best adlibbers on the market as Mun and Dad Witwickey.

The visuals are outrageuosly incredible to behold; the freeway smackdown being a favorite while Ironhide's acrobatic avoiding the Decepticon missiles still makes me giggle uncontrolablt in delight. Its all daft, silly with a crazy plot about a magic cube...but Bay serves it up with such a well judged eye towards bordom elimination and fun generation, that any rservations about story are left at the door.

You can't judge this one with your intelect. Rather, by the broadness of you grin.
And I, sir, am a wide mouth frog.

No Need To Terminate Salvation

I exited the cinema after seeing Terminator Salvation with a similar feeling from that of seeing Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines; I shouldn't of liked that, but I really did! Yep, T4 is a cool addition to the Terminator Universe and a thoroughly enjoyable war flick.

It reminds me a lot of The Phantom Menace (no, for me, that's a good thing). It feels more like the first installment of a new trilogy more than a continuation of a movie series. Like Phantom Menace, it's got a new setting (in T4's case, post-apocalyptic) and a new cast. Also like Episode 1, it depicts events that will go on to shape and set-up what we've seen in previously released movies. Finally, while the events in T4 and Episode 1 are important, entertaining and spectacular...the meat of each saga isn't being told in these particular installments. In Salvation, John Connor gets to prove himself and become the legit leader of the resistance, meets his dad Kyle Reese and gets the scar we see in the prologue of T2. It feels like chess pieces are being manuveured into postion rather than putting them through life altering senario's. And honestly, thats fine if the next movie can build on this one.

The film is evenly split between Sam Worthington's mystery man Marcus and intense Mr Bale's John Connor. Marcus gets a proper character arc as he searches for answers while Bale does the army leader bit. Both roles (in fact, every role in the movie) in staggeringly underwritten which is the movie's major shortcoming. We don't know what Marcus is really going through or how he's coping with his rebirth. As for Bale, I'm relieved Connor is portrayed as the dedicated and passionate leader I hoped he would become (as opposed to the mis-cast man-wimp of Nick Stahl in T3)...but his relationship with Kate, his wife, isn't exploited, nor his child's impending birth (surely some drama could have been milked from that).

But I'm nit-picking at an exciting war movie. It's great to see the future that Reece described in T1 on screen properly. It's facinating to see the limits of Skynet's reach, post Judgement Day, and the effectiveness and resources of the Resistance. The Resistance's counter-offensive story is just as facinating as the Marcus story, which delves into Skynet's R&D...and the two strands nicely dovetail at the end.

The homages are cute. The franchise catch-phrases are wisely down-played and the inclusion of G'n'R's You Could Be Mine comes at a knowingly appropriate moment.

There's some really good action sequences in here as well, including a Children of Men style steady-cam shot as Connor attempts to pursue a Hunter-killer in a chopper and an extended Mad Max -style chase between a pick-up truck, a steampunk-transformer, robo-cycles and a flying HK. Great to see an Arnie style T-800 in the climax, but they were wise to keep close-ups to a minimum...it seems Skynet get their Terminator eyes from Scorpion King Inc.

So well done McG for not screwing the pooch. It's much better than T3, and I'm rather fond of that romp, despite it's flaws. He's hoping for an even bigger or better war movie next time out. Terminator meets The Guns of Navarone, anyone?

Platinum Dunes Must Die!

Three things concern me about the Friday the 13th remake.

1/ The first is pop culturally. How come I recognize all the principal starlets in the film, even though I've never seen a movie of theirs? From Danielle Panabaker, Wila Ford, Amanda Righetti to Juilianna Guill..they all strike me with familiarity, yey I am unable to place them. Whether it's reading too many free celebrity magazines at work or flicking MTV channels too frequently...I'm a little worried.

2/ Platinum Dunes are obviously making it their mission objective to obtain rights to 70's and '80's horror franchises, and remake them for a modern teen audience. From The Hitcher, Amityville to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; the original movies are simple, effective and terrifying examples of the horror genre. Not much needs updating or changing...so it should be easy to achieve a desent remake. Then why to Platinum Dunes miss the point every time?

Friday the 13th(2009) takes itself far too seriously, the cast (while pretty) are pretty unlikable or forgettable slasher fodder and director Marcus Nispel has no interest at all in building dramatic tension. Hell, we're in a post Scream era...I'd have thought every kid with a camera knew the rules to making good slasher films.

3/ They've turned Jason Vorhees into a cliched, redneck hick! He was once a slow moving, lumbering, supernatural enigma. Now he's just a pissed off farm boy with a hockey mask. Making him faster..that's cool, after all the zombies can all run, these days. But revealing his lair...just like Leatherface's...it drains the monster of his mystery. Rob Zombie also did this in his Halloween remake, but he did invest half the movie in enriching his now human-based psychosis.

If you've never seen a teen-slasher movie before, this won't find any ways to surprise or scare you. If you have, hows about a petition to halt Platinum Dunes before they get round to remaking Elm Street and The Birds.

Lethargic Leviathan

Trapped underwater in their Drilling Habitat, a cast of hardworking, but dull, character actors fights to survive against the monster/thing that's killing them one by one. George P Comatose (sorry, that's Cosmatos of Rambo 2 fame) keeps this average monster movie ticking along.

The effects are OK, it looks good (the budget's up there on the screen, the Jerry Goldsmith score elevates things (as it always does)...and Amanda Pays reminds us what the definition of "English Beauty" really means.

Watch this one with beer goggles.

I'll bring the Chainsaw! I'll bring the Beer!

Bullshit Action Movies. That's that breed of dumb, but supremely entertaining action movies that usually exist direct on DVD these days. But back in the late 80's / early '90's they were everywhere...and none better than Tango and Cash.

Stallone has fun playing a chatty, smart copper...perhaps the closest he got to portraying himself onscreen...while Russell is a great foil. Jack Pallance climbs the Everest of Ham to out-ham the God of Overacting. Pure brilliance.

The plot doesn't stop for credibility, believability or anything too deep. And thank God, because there wouldn't be time to include world class one-liners "Freeze! Drop that duck!"...Kurt Russell in drag...inviting Mr Potatohead to the party on the roof...or Peter McDonald's expertely chreographed action explosion-fests.

Suddenly, my mortality concerns me. I wonder if heaven is as fun as Tango and Cash?

Can You Smell It? First Blood Part 3

The law of the Rambo films is thus; with each sequel comes less quality. Now that may sound bad. But since I adore 2008's Rambo (the forth entry in the series) you get an idea of how much I love this movie series. Sure, they're not deep and they're not clever...but then...neither am I.

Before I saw Rambo III in the summer of 1988, I predicted it would be shite. In real life the Russian's were withdrawing from Afghanistan and there was a negative behind the scenes buzz connected to Stallone's $80 million investment (the biggest budget film ever at the time). But when I saw it, it blew my danglies off...and it still does.

It looks epic (the budget's up there on screen) and moves like it has an RPG up it's bottom. Stallone no longer plays a character...but an icon...one who wants to kill people with sharp objects. After a slow but steady build up, the massive action sequences are relentless and pulse-pounding...the initial escape from the fort being a favorite.

As usual, Jerry Goldsmith's opratic score lifts this to a whole new level of kick-ass that other action movies can only dream of. And with images like that of a Russian helicopter gunship pursuing Rambo on horseback (all pre-CGI) it makes the movie even more memorable and impressive.

Q: When are Vampires most boring? A: Twilight.

It's rare that a 2 hour movie has so little happen. Mimi Leder's Thick as Thieves managed it...but you don't expect it from a Vampire movie, even one skewed towards romance, not horror. But if there's one major 2008 release that deserves an hour cut out of it, it's Catherine Hardwicke's Twilight.

To give Hardwicke credit, the movie adopts a serious tone (refreshing when depicting teen Vamps) and has a cinematic quality. The (probably) Canadian shot movie's setting looks integral to the plot and characters, instead of the X-Files/Stargate tackiness that usually comes across. In addition the two leads are appealling. Kristen Stewart exhibits strength and vulnerability as Bella in a stand out performance, while Robert Pattinson is suitably moody as Vampire Edward.

But, to quote Vivian from The Young Ones, "Why does it have to be so bloody slow!!!"
I'm all for character development (see my love of Darabont and Shyamalan movies)but why does it take an hour to set up these cardborad non-entities? Why do I need constant adrenaline injections to keep me awake? Why do I have to pay disgruntled Russian miners to puch me in the face to carry on watching.

There are 3 problems;-
1/ The pace (see above).
2/ The Mills & Boon romantic, teen novel tone. There are only so many times I can stand two kids with rediculous crushes look longingly into each others eyes. If there was some character to this limp pair...or even some honest to god humor...I might have survived.
3/ The story is soooo obvious it negates almost the entire movie. We know Edwards a Vampire. We know Bella will fall for him anyway. We know this will be a bad idea forboth their families. Of course we know it's the bad vampires that are doing the local killings. And that those vamps will evantually come after Bella. And I'm betting the American Indian's are werewolves.

But originality isnt always required if it's told in an interesting way.
Which it's not.
I'd rather dangle my cougar-sack in the playpen of a baby werewolf than watch the sequels.

I've Got It! - My Guilty Movie Pleasure

Everybody's got a guilty pleasure movie. Something that is frowned up by the masses but you've grown to cherish and love. It might be something where you disagree with others critisisms...or that you acknowledge them, but love it all the same. I like several such movies, but my favorite guilty pleasure is the 1986 Cannon production of King Soloman's Mines starring Richard Chamberlain and a young Sharon Stone.

So why's it disliked? Well it's produced by the Cannon Group, the unholy alliance of Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus, who produced cheap tat like the American Ninja series before moving onto bigger budget shlock like Stallone's Over The Top and Lundgren's Masters of the Universe. Like all their movies, it's an exploitation flick...a cheap rip off...this time stealing liberally from Indiana Jones.

Big game hunter Allan Quartermain, (a long in the tooth but charismatic) Richard Chamberlain guides scientists daughter (an impossibly hot) Sharon Stone through Africa on a quest to find the fabled King Soloman's Mines...evading vengeful Turks, greedy Germans and hungry naitives.

There's several elements that make this fantastic. The script bounces from one set-piece to another with inventive action, hilarious quips and one-liners (the repeated dynamite gag "I've got it" never fails to amuse) and a play-ful tongue-in-cheek tone throughout. It knows it's daft and doesn't pretend otherwise. The cast are uniformly suburb; in addition to the natural banter of Chamberlain and Stone, John Rees Davies chews up the scenery as Dogati and Herbert Lom excels as arrogant German commander, Colonel Bogner. The Zimbabwe shot movie feels mostly epic (especially for the limited budget) especially the early scenes in Tongola, the African town, the likes of which I've not seen in a movie since.

Special mention to Jerry Goldsmith's stunning high-adventure score which is kept pretty high in the mix. Goldsmith's stuff was always better suited to larger than life, slightly old fashioned movies...and the Oscar winning composer produces one of his very very best...even if the movie itself isn't an A-List production.

But you can't take the exploitation out of the exploitation movie. Despite the period setting, the African natives are portrayed with as primitive, second hand citizens...even extending to sidekick Umbopo (at least Quartermain aqknowledges this, trying to free the slaves). The sound mix, presumably recorded live on set, often feels tinny and hollow. The money seems to have run out when it comes to the rear projection effects (the dogfight looks cheap...but at least its funny). Plus the sets of The Mines themselves look like they've been sculpted out of paper mache by a four year old. There's an ill-advised attempt to create Shelob the giant spider here but it built out of cardboard and puppeteered by retarded blind otters. Finally there are gigantic logic problems with the plot where the whole thing will fall apart if you think about it for too long.

But really, I'm just nitpicking. The movie has such a powerful sense of adventure and such entertaining and funny sequences, you can't help but warm to it. It's like a live-action comic strip...one that poor stephen Sommer never came close to capturing in The Mummy movies. Suck on that Sommers!

Affirmative Bloke

Desperately needing a box-office hit, Yes Man is a raturn to high concept comedy from Jim Carrey. Unlike Jim's high concept Liar Liar, this is a more mature affair. So rather than whisk us through the predictable shenanigans (with added rom-com), it takes a cue from Judd Apatow comedies; it slowly leads us through the predictable shenanigans (with added rom-com).

Yes Man is very likable but rarely very funny. Once obliged to say 'yes' to everything, the movie allows Jim to make every conceivable decision known to man (not just the funny ones) and so it's a little longer than this kinda of movie should be.

Zooey Deshenal (all escaped from The Happening and back to her adorable, quirky self) gets the rom-com love interest role while The Hangover's Bradley Cooper (dull...why do people keep casting him in stuff?) gets the best friend archetype.
Eels provide the songs for a distinctly cool soundtrack.

C'mon Jim. Inbetween worth oscar fare (of which you are worth and deserve to win) can't you do Ace ventura 3. Pleeeaaase?

Wanted: Weyland-Yutani Corp Truckers

Horror movies prove again and again, it's not what you do but the way that you do it.
After all it's just scared people creeping round dark places waiting for someone of something to kill them.If you set it in space, an environment most of us are unfamiliar with, it makes the movie more challenging. If you can't relate to the situation...the audience simply won't care who survives the slaughter, or be bothered about why. Ridley Scott knew this from the start so he fused The Shining with 2001 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And boy, it works.

Keeping things real, gritty and down-to-earth...we follow a bunch of blue collar space truckers as they're obliged to investigate a mysterious alien beacon, far from home. By making them, and their environment lived in and realistic...we identify with the poor saps, making us care for them when Mr Giger's horrific creation get hungry. Scott casts a group of engaging individuals who we get to like, despite not saying a lot. The set design utterly unique, transforming the european sci-fi illustrations of Morbius into living, breathing workplaces. Everything from the nightmarish alien planet, spacesuit designs, Giger's Aliens (in whatever form)are different from anything that's been seen before or since (apart from the corridors...everybody does the dark, metal grilled corridors).

The robot company-man subplot gives the monster movie extra depth and the set-pieces are buttock-clenchingly tense. Of course, the chestburster scene is justifiably legendary but it's Ripleys mad-dash escape from the Nostromo where the films really in top gear.

A land mark piece of film making. Just because a film's got a simple plot with few characters doesn't mean little effort is required, Indeed, the more imagination, the greater the movie's transformation. Maybe some one ought to tell Twentieth Century Fox before they butcher the Alien franchise once more with another prequel.

Black Hole's Don't Suck

Disney's 1979 space opera The Black Hole was born out of the great science fiction boom of the late 70's and early '80's. While having a massive budget, it didn't receive the acclaim that movies The Empire Strike Back or Alien received. It's not much liked and hasn't gained in cult status, unlike its peer Flash Gordon. But, like that 8 year old kid, I still love it.

Intrepid astronauts encounter a lost, presumed destroyed spaceship The Cygnus, near a black hole. The spaceship is run by a mad scientist Dr Hans Reinhart, and his army of robots. Reinhart goes bonkers when the astronauts discover the robots are the zombified remains of his original crew. He then drives The Cynus straight into the black hole. Nutter.

On the downside, Gary Nelson's direction is static and unexciting. He just plonks the camera down for a wide shot and lets things play out. There's an uneasy mix of genres at play here; the serious science fiction mystery-thriller, the Star Wars style shoot-em-up, and the cute robots Vincent and Old Bob with their adorable, cartoony Disney eyes.

Fortunately, the serious tone pervades, meaning the grimmer the dilemma for the characters...the more we care. The true test of that is that moment in the film you know is going to happen, yet you wish for a different outcome (like when cowardly Borgnine flees in The Palomino). When the action eventually hits in the second half the set-pieces, while lacking in dynamism, produces some big-scale, disaster movie obstacles to overcome. The standout sequence is when the meteor breaches the main corridor of the ship (which is bizarre as non of the air escapes...yet in the previous sequence the good guys struggle to escape the vacuum of space!)

The casting is schizophrenic. Robert Forester, Yvette Mimieux, Joseph Bottoms and a comatose Anthony Perkins are practically sleepwalking. On the other hand, Maximillian Schell is bonkers as Reinhart, Borgnine his cheerfully grouchy self and the uncredited Slim Pickins and Roddy McDowell liven things up as the heroic robots.

In the wake of Star Wars, Disney were clearly trying to compete in the spectacle stakes, and it's here the film shines. The production design of The Cygnus is glorious...all girders, glass and cavernous spaces. The effects too are great...a little grainy and muddy perhaps, but the star fields are refreshingly dense and the model work detailed and complex. John Barry provides a fantastically noble and epic music score, much better than the Bond stuff he was doing at the time.

For such a fun film, aimed at the kids as the cute robots suggest, it's weird for a bizarrely philosophical, 2001 style ending to be tagged on the movie. Perhaps it had loftier ambitions before Disney executives dragged it down to teen-town? Perhaps escaping into The Black Hole wasn't deemed climactic enough. Either way it's baffling and confusing...for adults; forget about the poor tykes watching. I think the main character arc goes to the baddie in this. Maybe the ending is suggesting that Reinhart will burn in hell...yet part of him is redeemed as his genius allows the good guys to survive.

Either way, it's an intriguing ending to a cool Star Wars rip off.

Leave This Movie...Dead & Buried

Dead and Buried is an obscure, early 80's science fiction horror movie from Dan O'Bannon (Alien / Total Recall) and director Gary Sherman. It's a kind of riffing on the Invasion of the Body Snatchers like an extended Outer Limits episode.

Anyone familiar with Sherman's work (Wanted: Dead or Alive / Poltergeist III) will know the man's in no rush to tell his story, but has little to keep us invested while we wait. It's a little uninteresting. So much so, that as I write this a week and a half after I saw it, I struggle to remember much about the darn thing.

Lead James Farantino is fine...until he goes all Shatner-on-speed in the final act. Melody Anderson is glorious eye-candy as usual, but isn't integral enough to elevate the interest levels.

The Fish Denture Sequel

Jaws 3D was not only my first 3D movie experience, but my first Jaws theatre movie.
And my fond memories remain around the gimmicks. Moving the setting from Amity Island to a massive water park gave it a more sci-fi feel. And those classic 3D shots that no kid will forget...the floating limbs...the sharks 'jaws' as it explodes.

On an adult rewatch, the entertainment comes from rediscovery...not 'cause the films great. The cast are very watchable from young Dennis Quaid's leading man, Lou Gossett Jnr's irritable showman and Simon McCorkindale's smarmy version of Quint.

The story plods, as Quaid and girlfriend, never seen again Beth Armstrong, discuss career or relationship...while predictable the park edges closer to opening day.

The mechanical shark is fine but the heavy use of blue screen is a mistake. Underwater, Bruce looks like a rubber turd. Still the VFX add scale and wonder...where the action sequences cannot.

Not a patch on the original (of course), more interesting than part 2, and a classic compare with 'The Revenge'. But then, what isn't?

Steve Martin Hates Laughter, Thats What It Is

Pink Panther 2 = Just like the Steve Martin's original.

Negatives
Not Funny.
A paycheque for the (mostly) talented cast involved...for their sakes.
Steve Martin should publicly apologise for being this unfunny and for violently molesting the memory of the original.
A shocking waste of studio money.
An unholy piece of crap.

Positives
One, lonely, solitary, early gag.
Emily Mortimer is cute. Aishwarya Rai is beautiful.

Did I mention it was obscenely awful?

Lord Save Me From The Pirahna Double Bill!!

I'm on a mission. Not from God, but to watch some of my favorite director's debut movies. Two of those happen to belong to the Pirahna franchise...Joe Dante's Pirahna and James Cameron's Pirahna 2: The Spawning. I've resisted these previously on the basis they'd be dross, but given my respect for both directors, it was inevitable one day.

Both movies, while inexpensive Roger Corman exploitation movies, were a surprise...but in different ways. Pirahna is actually a very entertaining black comedy horror. It helps that the script is solid...not only in terms of it's fast pace but witty characters. Dante then brings this to life with his trademark style, riffing on retro b-movie horrors. It's cast with unexpected oddballs and social misfits where you'd expect to see boobs and pretty faces. LIke most Dante movies it's far more fun than it is frightening.

Camerons sequel unfortunately isn't nearly as good. Where Dante was able to juggle the comedy and the horror, Cameron plumps for a thrillerish tone..but populates his movie with social misfits and awkward comedy sequences that feel out of place. The pacings off as well. Since it's a follow up, there should be more action and the plot more momentum. Alas, Pirahna attacks occur infrequently.

Three things were pleasently surprising about this;-
1/ Cameron's love of undersea wreck diving dates back to his first movie (if not before).
2/ Always good to see Lance Henrickson in a major role. More surprising was the Adrienne Barbeau look-a-like in the lead; turns out it was Trica O'Neil (Capt Rachel Garrett in Star Trek's Yesterdays Enterprise)
3/ Cameron's director style (like Dantes) was already firmly in place on his debut. Cold blues and harsh reds in the photography, serious tone etc.

So I'm glad I same them. The original I may be tempted to watch again...sometime in the future...with a few beers. The sequel I think I'll pass on. It's OK...but it's not the Jim Cameron movie of choice.

Drag Me To Hell, Because I Dont Wanna Leave The Cinema

I wasn't sure how Sam Raimi's new horror film was gonna work, it being a mere PG-13 in the US. If it was indeed to be his return to horror after three Spider-man movies, how could he make really a scary movie...with out the gore? Sure he's done kid-friendly stuff in the past...just look at Army Of Darkness...but that was more fantasy comedy, than horror. Was Drag Me To Hell going to be silly?

Well, yes and no. PG-13 or not, this is the best horror film of the year and one of the best movies, full stop, of 2009. The sound is cranked up to 11 and Raimi milks the tension and the shocks for all they're worth. Most of the time you're tensed up, biting your bottom lip, waiting for the next scare that will make you leap out of your chair. It recalls Robert Wise's The Haunting which also used simple editing and loud sound to similar effect.

In true Raimi style he abuses his hero (heroine Alison Lohman in this case) until they're at their wits end. Alison Lohman is refreshing and likable in the lead role...unlike the usual college bimbo's that you'd normally see cast.

The set pieces come thick and fast, and are varied enough to keep you giddy with joy throughout. There's gore, scares, humour, gross/icky stuff, body horror, social embarresment, a guy you love-to-hate, evil dead homages. Its great. There's even a sequence, that was used to comedy effect in Naked Gun 2 that is aquired by Raimi in a serius pulse-pounding action sequence! The one on one battle in the car leaves you breathless while smaller, but no less inventive shots have a persistant fly trying to violate a sleeping Lohman!

It's good to see Raimi's battered Oldsmobile back for a major role! Christopher Young's score is is loud, perfectly embodying the old style b-movie goodness Raimi is aiming for. Talking of loud, thats the way you need to see this movie; it a well equiped cinema or on a beefy home entertainment system using surround sound and a sub-woofer.

Fantastic movie. Just wish I hadn't shat my pants!