They Just F*@*!$# With The Wrong Mexican

Pity the fool who saw 2007's Grindhouse feature, Planet Terror, and didn't want to see the fake trailer for Machete made into a real life, honest to God movie. Fortunately, Planet Terror creator Robert Rodriguez has a history of Mexploitation flicks from the Mariachi trilogy to From Dusk Till Dawn, meaning that Machete is now a reality.

It's everything you'd expect; in part due to it's slavish devotion to staying true to that original fake trailer and in part due to what we've come to expect from Rodriquez. There's the anti-hero the audience is rooting for (Danny Trejo with screen presence in spades), the large eclectic ensemble cast of Southern USA, Mexican actors (oh, and hot, naked actresses). Add to that some mega violance and gore, black humour, cool western exteriors, great speaches, groovy mexican rock songs. And Jessica Alba naked (even if it is CGI enhanced.)

Dumber than a box full of drunken badgers (and all the better for it) Machete is as glouriously fun as the faux trailer suggested. Now, what I really want to see is Rob Zombies 'Werewolf Women of the SS' adapted to a full length Grindhouse feature (starring Nicholas Cage as Fu Manch, of course!)

Time For Your Beddy, Freddy

My strong dislike of Michael Bay's production outfit has been well documented in this blog, as they trawl through the back catalogue of 70's and 80's horror movies, remaking them with tons of MTV style, zero tension, unlikable characters and no scares. This year they've chosen to desecrate Wes Craven's 1984 iconic horror classic A Nightmare On Elm Street. And a predictable job they've done too as the updated Elm Street practically digs up Robert England's bones and rapes them in the graveyard.

The usual Platinum Dunes problems exist here but there's a few bright patches in the darkness. Making dream monster Freddy Kruger a kiddy fiddler in his history seems to be a bold move, yet this seems to be at the expense of him being a child killer instead. The idea of continual sleep deprivation leading to micro naps and then coma is a nice touch, but sadly isn't exploited to create much drama. Rooney Mara makes a cool leading lady, being less high school scream queen and more introverted anti-heroine. But she's undermined by the splitting of hero duties between her and her male friend (as it was similarly screwed up in The Hitcher remake).

The dodgy CGI effects lack the impact of the practical originals, the set pieces taken from Craven's version are watered down photocopies and the story has no sense of pacing, structure or flow. It just exists. Jackie Earl Haley is fine as Freddy but lacks the charisma and gleeful nastiness of Robert England's interpretation.

So I ask myself, at what point will Platinum Dunes be regarded in the same light as al-Qaida. They are the terrorists of horror cinema and must be stopped.

Son Of A Daggit!

The Final Frontier - Mission Galactica: The Cylon Attack

Continuing the late 70's tradition of releasing TV pilots on the big screen, Glen A Larson of Automan fame released a Battlestar Galactica sequel into European cinemas in 1979. Mission Galactica: The Cylon Attack was, like its predecessor cobbled together from 3 TV episodes; in this case the two part 'Living Legend' and also 'Fire In Space'. And despite it's TV pedigree, it plays pretty well.

On the upside you've got the two most dramatic stories, outside of the pilot, with the Galactica discovering and teaming up with the Battlestar Pegasus and her hotdog Commander Cain (a fantastically charismatic Lloyd Bridges) and the episode where the Galactica nearly goes down in flames after a punishing Cylon assault. Production values are smaller than the pilot (lots of brightly lit interiors, tons of special effects stock footage from Universal's 70's disaster movies, and a multitude of running around modernist concrete structures in black spandex).

But thanks to the tension laden premise inherent in the Galactica story, along with some nifty dramatic tension between the crews of the two battlestars, Stu Phillips epic score, John Dyskra's movie quality shoot-em ups this is a fun addition to the Galactica mythology (unlike the remainder of it's two seasons.)

Taking The Daggit For a Walk...

The Final Frontier #5 - Battlestar Galactica

Ah, this brings back memories. My father, not a man inclined to liking science fiction shoot-em-ups, dutifully took his son to see the original Battlestar Galactica pilot to the cinema (where it was released in Europe) to see what became a headache inducing, Dolby stereo assault on his eardrums. The son loved every minute of it, the father did not, and continues to remind the son occasionally.

The son has grown up, and while he does not embrace the Star Wars styled space opera as he once did (the 2003 remake TV series has eclipsed it) it's still an exciting venture and a spectacularly epic production, still rarely matched for a small screen yarn. It's Glen A Larson in charge, so the whole affair has a dumbed-down adventure feel, despite the downer story of the destruction of 99% of humanity.

The core actors are all well cast...Lorne Greene the father figure, Richard Hatch the assertive do-gooder and the genius Dirk Benedict as 'anything for an easy ride' fighter ace Starbuck. The effects stand up well, over 30 years on, and in some cases are better than the CGI junk the passes for SFX today. The spaceship designs are iconic (better than most of the stuff in the Star Wars prequels while the set design has a pleasingly retro feel with bulkheads, pressure doors and rivets defining the Galactica interior. The story is loaded with dread and menace that one associates with the near extermination of the human race and there's enough pro-active brinkmanship on the part of the good guys to ensure that excitement is on a par with the drama.

All in all a great pilot movie, even if it does sag in the middle third (well, it is 3 TV episodes stitched together). Who'd have thought this would lead to a masterpiece re-imagining 25 years later.

Princess Ardala & The Complete Buck

The Final Frontier #4 - Buck Rogers In The 25th Century

Now the variable quality of the Buck Rogers TV show is legendary, and is generally divided into two opinions which is formed in the shape of Season 1 and Season 2. The first season is the usual corny trash you'd expect from prolific hack producer Glen A Larson (he of Knight Rider, Manimal and The Fall Guy.) Season 2 however significantly lowered the bar in every way possible, leading to the shows inevitable cancellation. In the UK, and Europe I suppose, the pilot episode was released in cinemas to cash in on the Star Wars pop culture phenomenon.

And it's good cheesey fun. There's the combined beauty of sultry Pamela Hensley Princess Ardala and blond do-gooder Erin Gray, the kiddy-friendly robot that sounds like Bugs Bunny, Twiki, the cool design of the Starfighter spacecraft and Stu Philips dynamic score. The rest is just cheese on toast; utter tosh if you're not in the right frame of mind but distracting bollocks if you can turn your brain off for 90 minues (or get very drunk).

Oh and one thing I completely forgot about this pilot was the main titles; while Buck sleeps in suspended animation the disco classic theme song is accompanied by the female cast writhing around in silver leotards on top of a giant illuminated Buck Rogers sign. It was perhaps supposed to be a bit sexy...instead it looks like a deleted scene from Goldmember. Hmmmm.

Lucky In May

There are some talented people working in the movie industry who just don't seem to get the big break, no matter how high the quality of their work. A shining example of that can be seen in psychological horror movie May, created by gifted writer/director Luck McKee and starring the quirky genius Angela Bettis. It's an off-beat character piece about a weird, lonely young woman, who has a doll as a best friend, who tries to start a relationship with a handsome mechanic she has a crush on, and even her lesbian female work college. Unfortunately May doesn't deal with these relationships well...and things begin to unravel.

While the direction is subtly unusual and the writing is insightful and mature, it's the casting of Bettis (she played Carrie in the 2002 remake) that makes the story click. She brings balance to a complex mixture of fear, anxiety, nervousness, joy, and shyness making May sympathetic and identifiable...even when she starts losing her grip. Yes, its a psychological horror, but it's also a character study of a psychopath, veering towards arthouse. And that makes it an altogether more original and interesting offering than a film directed by, say Wes Craven and starring Megan Fox. Which is why McKee and Bettis haven't reached the bigtime. Perhaps if Bettis were prettier and McKee more mainstream they'd be A-listers by now...then again, if that were the case, they'd both be employed at Platinum Dunes...and that would be the artistic crime of the century.

The Magnificent Seven Vs Sador of the Malmori

The Final Frontier #3 - Battle Beyond The Stars



As with any genre boom...westerns, superheroes, historical epics...you'll have your great films, you're expensive but dumb, quick studio cash-ins and your cheapo exploitation movies. When Star Wars started the space opera boom in the late seventies, all the major studios got in on the act. And so did the minor ones. Schlock producer Roger Corman, cheap knock off director he may be, rounded up a great concept (The Magnificent Seven In Space), a witty script, a talented Special Effects crew (including famously one Jim Cameron) and an energetic cast. With just enough expertise, imagination and cash not to embarrass itself, Battle Beyond The Stars gave the mega budget Space Opera release a run for their money in terms of sheer entertainment value.

The first half of the film works the best as Shad of Akir flys around the galaxy in his inherited, dilapidated space ship Nell searching for a mis-matched bunch of mercenaries. And what a great bunch they are too. If they're not charismaric big name actors (Robert Vaughn and George Peppard) or beautiful women (the warrior tart Sybil Danning or naive Darlanne Fluegel) then they're high concept sci-fi aliens (vengeful Lizard chap or single consciousness, flying saucer folk). Shad is rather nicely played by The Walton's Richard Thomas as a mixture of resourceful and innocent. And then there's John Saxon, chewing the scenery as the evil Sador. But it's all good stuff, especially in a movie as fun as this.

While the direction is adequate and the physical production is a little cheesy it's made up for in other ways. John Sayles sparky screenplay is lifted by some top notch effects and a staggeringly great score by the then emerging talent that is James Horner. It might be one of his very first but in terms of quality, his Battle Beyond The Stars score lays waste to his recent efforts, including Avatar.

A great movie that still plays well today. If you can ignore the bright, early 80's naffness of the production, you'd be advised to seek this one out.

September Pick 'N' Mix

Another great Inception trailer parody...



A great mash up of Arnold Schwarznegger and Darth Vader...



An amusing Durex commercial...



What Twilight might be like if it was made with men in mind...



And (this one's more painful than amusing) a compilation of clips from Street Fighter, highlighting one of the worst performances in cinema history...

Everything Chris Klein Says in "The Legend of Chun Li" from Jeff Rubin on Vimeo.

Wentworth Miller Is The Evil In Residence

Resident Evil: Afterlife, the forth entry in the video game adaptation franchise, does exactly what it says on the tin. If you've not liked the series up until now, then this sequel isn't going to change your mind; it's a cool sci-fi action/horror starring sexy chicks in a near future zombie apocalypse. The story is built around a series of action set pieces that, as usual aren't designed to enhance the story, deepen character relationships or create dramatic tension, but just to look cool. And if you like 'cool' on it's own, then you'll like this.

Director Paul WS Anderson is a director with no discernible style of his own, changing editing techniques, production designers, effects companies and photographers for each movie (aping Cameron for AvP, MTV editing and bleached look for Death Race, etc)..imposing no over-arching style of his own on to his crew members...which means you never quite know what you're going to get from him. In this case he's plumped for an ultra-clean, slick Matrix-like style...complete with hyper-slow motion, bullet time editing and action. It's the best looking of the franchise, having a considerably bigger budget to spend. The effects are of very high standard and the extra cash allow for digital matte paintings that open up the scale of the Resident Evil world.

Milla is as imposing a female lead as you'd expect and Ali Larter is cute as her less prominent sidekick, but the remainder of the cast are a dull and humourless bunch. If there's a criticism to be had of Afterlife it's that of anti-hero Wentworth Miller and villainous Agent Smith rip-off Shawn Roberts. With no laughs in the script, everybody's playing it straight...but Miller and Roberts are so over-the-top, deadpan corny in their deliveries it makes you want to gag. They're both terrible...and the only thing dragging an otherwise fun piece of popcorn spectacle down.

The 3D works well, especially in the slow motion action sequences (prompting the thought...I wonder what The Matrix would look like in 3D). It has to be said, films shot in 3D are far better than those converted into 3D, after the fact (like Piranha, Alice In Wonderland). And like the rest of Afterlife, that's cool.

Mega Crush In Starcrash

THE FINAL FRONTIER - Part 2 - "Starcrash"

How the hell is it that I've not seen 1978's Starcrash? First and foremost I'm a huge science fiction geek with a almost obsessive love of cinematic Space Opera. Then there's the Caroline Munroe factor; I had a massive crush on her as a wee lad, ever since her skimpy role in At The Earth's Core. And now I've seen it I know why I avoided it. Yep, it's crap.

I'd hoped this low budget Star Wars rip off might have had a similar injection of behind the scenes talent as Roger Corman's exploitation rip-off Battle Beyond The Stars, but it was too much to hope for. There's no point in listing Starcrash's weaknesses for the whole film is flawed from top to bottom. But there are a few gems in the swamp of sci-fi cheese...

1/ What the hell is the excellent Christopher Plummer doing in this? Sure, the film benefits from his restrained gravitas, but he's waaaay too good for this.
2/ What the hell is Bond composer John Barry doing here? Sure the film benefits from his stately orchestrations, but he's way to good for this.
3/ Munroe. Mmmmmm. A terrible actress but her curvaceous, bikini clad heroine makes this the only reason to keep watching.

I had absolutely no idea what was going on, why Marjoe Gortner's chisel-jawed Jedi-ish hero Akton had powers, why The Hoff was in it at all or why the cavemen attacking The Hoff looked like they escaped from a Monty Python sketch. Utterly awful...but charming in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way.

Gordon's Alive!!!

THE FINAL FRONTIER - Part 1 - "Flash Gordon"

Flash Gordon is rather like Moulin Rouge or Batman Returns; you either love it or you hate it. I can see why it bombed in the U.S. of A back in 1980. The sets are gaudy, the performances large and pantomime-like, the effects ropey, the story worthy of a 4 year old's imagination and the music unusual, to say the least, for a science fiction adventure film.

But director Mike Hodges had a big set of balls on him and knew exactly what he was doing. All the things that people dislike about the remake of the 1930's serials are all the reason why it's a great movie. The whole affair is so huge, tacky and over the top it's like going to see to the theatre to see a drag queen with a really good singing voice; it knows damn well what it looks like so sit back and enjoy the spectacle baby!

The sets and costumes are bright, glitzy and in-your-face-trashy brilliance. The effects, which cleverly(?) homage the 1930's version by being both retro and poorly executed too...but it just adds to the texture of the piece as a whole. Queens score is utterly original, from the thumping main theme ("FLASH! dum dum dum dum dum dum...")to the crashing guitars of the action set pieces.

The casting is inspired, with virtually every main actor adding to the iconography of this adaptation. Dalton is suave and brutal ("Bitch!" / "Bastards!"), Topol is resourceful and spirited, Wyngarde is conniving and slippery, Von Sydow is graceful and cruel and Flash himself is the softly spoken, yet dull, All-American he has to be.
Of course the standout performance is that of Brian Blessed, with his Shakespearean whisper-shouts dominating every scene he's in ("Gordon's Alive!!!").

And finally the girls who were poster icons for me as a kid... The sultry, simmering sexuality of Ornella Muti and the perky, righteous spunk of Melody Anderson; still devastatingly radiant after all these years.

A great piece of entertainment. The story is so slight it might blow away in a slight wind, but it has so many classic scenes (bore worms, the tree stump creature, a gladiatorial disc fight, the go-Flash-go football fight, etc) that it stands proudly on it's own. I've said it before, but I'll say it again; critisism of a movie for having style over substance is no critisism at all. Because in cases like this, style IS substance.

What 3D Was Invented For

Piranha 3D, as much as I wanted it to be, is not a great film. It looks great, is directed with flair by French horror genius Alexandre Aja, and has as much frenzied action and gore as you could desire from a killer fish movie. But, despite the flashy 3D and first rate production values, it's not all that. The script is cliched, lacking any spark of originality or the snarky black humour of Joe Dante's fun original.

But then you realise...

If you stop viewing this remake as a film and start looking at it as a exploitation movie, it works great. Half the cast are either weak actors or mad character actors playing over-the-top versions of roles they've played in the past. There's cheesy pop/rock tracks, corny dialogue, an abundance of boobs (let's not be drawn into saying 'over abundance', if such a thing were indeed possible) and violent bloody deaths caused by mischievous killer fish or by gutless, immoral party goers.
It's not meant to be great. Even the 3D conversion isn't that great. It is what it is; tits 'n' gore. And if you view it like that it's GREAT entertainment.

And here's a few reasons why;-
1/ Jerry O'Connell's piranha chewed, swallowed, spat out again penis.
2/ Show me the way to go home; the Richard Dreyfuss cameo.
3/ Eli Roth's head.
4/ Wire slice-age.
5/ Kelly Brook. The camera loves her (she's what 3D was invented for) but she can't
act, poor dear.
6/ Naked underwater ballet. WTF!
7/ Great Scott! Christopher Lloyd's cameo.
8/ The jumpy, pre-tile Dreyfuss hand, thrust from the lake. Pants meet poo.
9/ Famous last words, "Wet t-shirt!"
10/ Is this the goriest film I've seen this decade?
11/ Oh I didn't realise Dina Meyer's in this! Chomp. OK, maybe not now...
12/ Hair in propeller = Face. Off.
13/ Jessica Szohr. Cute.

The Power Of Eli Roth Compells You...

The autumn/fall release schedule is perhaps my favorite of the year. Summer and Christmas bring the blockbusters, and that's the most exciting time, but the most rewarding season starts in the last couple of weeks of August all the way through to the end of November. The distributors have picked up their interesting, quirky films at the Film Festivals and, being afraid to have them competing with mega budget special effect movies, release them at a time where the competition is less intense. Same for the major studios too, who may have high quality material on their hands, but have been wrought with indecision up until late summer as to the release dates for these projects.

One such gem is The Last Exorcism, a low budget supernatural drama championed by executive producer Eli Roth. It's basically the premise of The Frighteners; bloke cons people into thinking he can perform exorcisms for cash, until he comes across a particularly troubled client that may actually have a demon inside her. But it's vastly different from Peter Jackson's special effects heavy comedy in virtually every other way.

The direction is suburb, using a mockumentary style, like Blair Witch or District 9, to add an air of authenticity and immediacy to the drama as it unfolds. The script is even better. It slowly builds a profile of our con man; a preacher's son who inherited the family faith and exorcism business who is has undergone a crisis of faith. However, despite his moral 'difficulties' in continuing his priestly ways, he persists...partly for financial gain, partly to give his clients a placebo and partly to expose the practice of exorcism at large of being false. Then he meets innocent 14 year old Nell Sweetzer and her kind, ultra-protective, mega-Christian father who's isolated his family from the non-religious practices of the outside world.

It works for several reasons:-
1/ It's an intelligent examination of how religion can be used to exact control over individuals or communities, with the father's treatment of his daughter being a focus for this.
2/ Character is brought to the fore (unusual in far too many horror films) with the story focusing on Preacher Cotton Marcus and his wrestling with his own beliefs and faith.
3/ It's damned atmospheric, with set-pieces designed to create tension and suspense (as well as a couple of well staged jump scares).

After a brilliantly paced set up the film switches gear; is Nell deluded into thinking she's possessed, perhaps by some trauma brought about by her family, or does she really have a demon inside her? This ambiguity is maintained right up until it's twist, controversial finale where, depending on your view point, an answer of sorts is provided....kind of...

A great addition to the exorcism sub-genre, Eli Roth has managed to produce a movie that's actually far better than any of his own directing efforts.

True Lies Gets Punk'd

Let's face it, there's never going to be a comedy spy movie about marriage better than True Lies. Sure, Mr & Mrs Smith gave it a good shot back in 2005, although what it gained in smarts and sex appeal, it lost in laughs and effective action. And so New Line Cinema try it again with Killers directed by Legally Blond's Robert Luketic.
And while it's a good effort it inevitably turns out to be a 'fail'.

Killers has highly stressed, daddy's girl Katherine Heigl go on holiday to Nice with the parents. There she meets stud-muffin Ashton Kutchner, they fall in love and get married. But (enter cliche), he's a spy and doesn't tell her!!! What you've got here is an incrediby glossy, old fashioned romantic comedy thriller. The cast all have a lightness of touch that the material needs (at least understanding the importance of tone better than Knight & Day). Heigl is currently one of the queens of the Romcom due to her blend of charisma, beauty and that important ability to make a fool of oneself in the name of comedy, and she excels here. It's great to see Tom Sellick on top form as her stone faced, cynical father while Home Alone actress Catherine O'Hara has fun as her drunk Mom. It's Kutchner who's the weak link. Now I quite like his work, especially as the airhead in US sitcom That 70's Show, but he's never convinced me as a serious actor. He reminds me of Matt LeBlanc in Lost In Space; trying too hard to convince as an action hero. What you really need was a tough bloke to really sweep Heigl off her feet...a Butler, McConaughay or Cruise, but Mr Demi just doesn't cut it.

By the time we get to the second half the lack of wit and imagination in the script finally sink everybody's efforts. With enemy sleeper agents activated in their neighbourhood, the bickering couple lapse into a predictable and generic chase movie as they flee the killers of the title. Add to that a twist you can see a mile away and it becomes more and more puzzling why all involved thought the story was worth pouring so much money and effort into.

As a production, Killers had potential, but it was assassinated from the foundations upward.