Lost Pet: Wolverine. If found please call...

After watching Bryan Singer's supurb first two X-Men movies, as well as Ratner's flawed but entertaining third film, I was really looking forward to the forth, prequel entry X-Men Origins:Wolverine. Despite the negative buzz, with critics suggesting it was only slightly better than X3, I really wanted to like it.

Alas, Wolverine is suckage at maximum. Why? Well, for a start, for a movie about the most popular of the X-men characters, they forgot to include the Logan we've all grown to love in the movies. Even with returning star, Hugh Jackman, the introvert, cynical Wolverine who quips sarcastically is AWOL. In his place is an always angry, frowning and serious bloke who talks with a lower voice than normal, as if doing a 'Christian Bale Batman' growl was the only way to progress the character.

On the story front, the back bone is the development of Stryker's Weapon program. This ambles along with no real sense of danger or feeling of awe, crucial for a fantasy movie. On the personal side, it focuses on Wolverine's relationship with his bloodthirsty brother Victor, and his tragic romance with school teacher (and fellow mutant) Kayla. Unfortunately, neither relationship is fleshed out or provided with adequete dialogue to sufficiently make us give a shit about anyone involved. We never get a scene that properly explains what these people mean to Logan, so when the bad stuff goes down (Victor killing innocents/Kayla's murder) we don't understand, and so, we don't get emotionally involved. It'a basic Rambo plot from the eighties; traumatised-with-nightmares Nam vet turns his back on his past until it brutally catches up with him. He's then manipulated into action, leaving him tragically alone in the end. Boo hoo.

Elements of the plot are needless and dull, such as the Weapon X experiment and the details of Stryker's son; all seen in the vastly superior X2. The inclusion of Scott Summers is a gimmick (its just as well he wasn't given his own origin movie...discovered doing detention isn't classic origin material). Since his inclusion only serves to service the Weapon X plot, the writers perhaps should have used Kayla's kidnapped sister more, to deepen both characters and streamline the messy plot. Other mutants (Bolt / Zero) are only included to up the coolness factor. Wolverine journeys from one mutant ex-colleague (Blob, Wriath, Gambit) to the next, only to pad out his quest and prolong our agony (sorry, suspense) as to the mystery of Stryker's agenda.

Theres's plenty that defies logic:-
1/ Logan kills his father. Yeah? And? What affect does this have on the tyke?
2/ Logan and Victor spend a century fighting in American wars. Why would Canadians do this? What motivates them to fight? Why don't they open a Sandwich bar in Vancover instead?
3/ Why do the nice old people give Logan their son's jacket? He's a stranger who broke their goddamn sink!
4/ Why does Gambit fight Wolverine in the alley? He attacks Logan in the bar 'cause he thinks he's with Victor. But when Logan's obviously about to slay Sabretooth, Gambit interupts by attacking again! Duh!
5/ If Wolverine is Weapon X, then why is Deadpool called Weapon Eleven, not Weapon XI ?
6/ How does Wolverine criss-cross his claws in such a way to entirely deflect Deadpool's laser eyes?
7/ If Cyclops' laser eyes have to be contained by sunglasses, why don't Deadpools?
8/ Why do most mutants jump like crickets? Deadpool, Zero, Gambit, Sabretooth... whatever your ability, do you always get springy legs as a mutant?

The cast are varied. Jackman takes three steps back in his portrayal of the hero. Huston brings gravitas to Stryker in an extremely underwritten role. Lynn Collins is cute as Kayla. The guy playing Gambit might be eye totty for the girlies, but he's a plank with a shitty southern accent. Only Liev Schrieber stands out as Victor bringing a playful wicked spitefulness to procedings. The only one better is Ryan Reynolds in a cameo as Wade, exibiting deadpan wit and coolness in the role. However the producers even mess that up by making him mute in the climax, perhaps worried Reynolds might upstage their star.

The effects are 95% substandard with just a few digital matt paintings coming up to scratch. Most effects shots lack authenticity, appearing too CG. A few are staggingly poor such as Logan's claws in the bathroom (wobbly CG where a prosthtic would have sufficed), terrible rear projection (that puts 60's Bond movies to shame), and the oh-so plastic face of a de-aged Patrick Stewart (superior in 2006's Last Stand).

With the story not up to much, at least there's the action to sustain it. Alas, that's underwhelming too. Victor and Logan's scrap in the lumberyard is spiritless and the escape from Alkalie Lake eye-blinkingly brief. The central setpiece of Logan vs Helicopter is ruined by unnecessarily quick editing, abysmally obvious effects and too many out of place slow-mo shots that would make The A-Team proud.

The script is hollow with no subtext. The layered meaning of prejudice in society is non existent, replaced with a dumbness reserved for early 90's low-budget action movies. Lines like "Those were good people back there. Innocent people" and " I am so cold"(as they die) are cliched and laughable. If the movie had a vein of fun or adventure running through it's body, it might have gotten away with it.

So my advice is to avoid this dumb, lumbering mistake. Once again Tom Rothman and his 20th Century Fox's quest, for populist, generic film-making, has backfired resulting in a film fit for neanderthals and halfwits. The best bit of the movie is the opening titles, which depicts Logan living through 120 years of America's past. However, Fox executives probably didn't think their audience was capable of following a non-contemporary story. Where in reality, that lack of capability lies with the hobbitcocks at Fox Plaza.

Here's hoping for a non-Fox Deadpool movie.