Worst Movies Of 2011

10/ The first 90 minutes of Transformers 3
The last 50 minutes don’t count as it’s far too visually stunning and action packed, but the first two thirds of this film are perhaps the most bored I’ve been in a movie theatre this year. Oh, and replacing Megan Fox with Rosie Huntingdon Whitley might make sense if wanking were publicly allowed in cinemas…but since it’s not her participation in this is truly embarrassing.

9/ Pirates Of The Caribbean– On Stranger Tides
If this turd cost $250 million I’d like to know where the money was spent ‘cause it ain’t up on the screen. After a promising start the small scale adventure spends most of it’s time lurking around in tiny sets and gloomy, night time jungle locations. Johnny’s antic get tired fast and there’s barely a scene that sticks in the memory.0

8/ Bad Teacher
If 2011 had a trend to remember it’s that of the return of the smutty R-Rated comedy.
Unfortunately, most of them weren’t funny at all. Like Bad Teacher which had a shit your pants funny trailer that completely misrepresented the film itself. Very, very unfunny…ever the trailer gags failed to work in context.

7/ I Am Number Four
Twilight with aliens was what this big budget chase movie was all about. However the male lead, Alex Pettyfer, was loathsome and the film uneventful and totally forgettable. Even a late turn by the cute, sarcastic and kick ass Teresa Palmer couldn’t shake the feeling that it was irredeemably shite.

6/ F
This low budget British horror/thriller was touted as a siege movie like that of John Carpenter’s Assault On Precinct 13. But it wasn’t. What it ended up being was painfully slow, poorly directed, suspense-less exercise in irritating your core audience. Me. And they killed off the British Soap Awards Sexiest Female Awards Winner (3 years running) when Roxanne McKee gets it. I mean, who does that? Really?

5/ Shark Night 3D
A dumb, glossy, Hollywood horror film that’s diluted by a bloodless PG-13 cut, a terrible cast playing very, very, very stupid people where nothing interesting happens anytime ever. No amount of cute girls in bikinis could hide the fact this is supposed to be a crazy exploitation flick that has no exploitation in it whatsoever.

4/ Due Date
Once the master of R-Rated comedies (Old School / Road Trip), now director Todd Phillips is the man we’ve grown to fear. Proving that School For Scoundrels was no fluke, Phillips shits out another laugh free comedy featuring a struggling Robert Downey Jnr and the mirthless disaster zone that is Zack Galifinakis. Stop them. Stop them now! *Too late.

3/ My Soul To Take
Wes Craven must stop making horror films where a bunch of characterless teenagers are picked off one by one by a masked killer or a death obsessed supernatural force. Especially if the cast are non entities, there’s no tension in the story or set pieces and if the whole thing makes no freaking sense. At all. Oh wait, that applies to an awful lot of Wes’ work…but never more so than this.

2/ Gulliver’s Travels
Twentieth Century Fox might have had a few critical hits this year but that didn’t stop them remaining true to form with this dire family adventure. It’s movie making by committee as Gulliver Travels moves so quickly through it’s story in order to tick all those boxes that the audience is left way behind, not giving a shit, a piss or any other kind of bodily sewage.

1/ The Hangover Part II



*Todd Phillips strikes again with a film so over-hyped and so unfunny that Middle Eastern countries may descent into several millennia of warfare just to get the fucker out of its system. There’s nothing in the story that’s of interest as it rework the originals same, boring quest. The cast are even more talent less than before, and adding 2001’s Fuckwit Of The Year, actor Ken Jeong just makes things more terrible.
Nothing at all is funny, not even the smutty lady boys sequence which should be a riot. When classics Like Zoolander and Anchorman are denied sequels due to lack of funds, it’s made even more frustrating when a studio can chuck a shit load of cash at this painful rectal scab. Just fucking awful.

Close, But not quite:- Hop, Yogi Bear, The Smurfs, Insidious, The Amityville Haunting, In The Name Of The King 2.